The New Car

Daisie

This shows that even the most "routine" or necessary change can really throw things into a tailspin.

I am my mom's primary and only caregiver. She lives with me. I'm waiting to hear about an appointment for a Medicaid assessment, but they are pretty stretched and backed up, and I've been told it could take several weeks to hear.

A few months ago, I needed to get a newer car. Mine was pretty much caput (and 18 years old). I used my tax refund, trade-in value, and some savings to make a substantial down payment on a 2018 model—all my own money. I got something that was well-maintained, reliable, and had an excellent safety record. Of course, I took my mom's needs and transportation into consideration when making my choice. I'm a pretty practical person when it comes to vehicles, anyway!

Ever since then, it's been a point of contention. Every time we get into it to go somewhere, she complains about the car, the ride, the money, etc. Every. Single. Time. She accuses me of making a purchase without her consent or input, using HER money, lying about MY money, etc. Every. Single. Time. It's gotten to the point where I HATE going out anywhere with her and have HORRIBLE anxiety about it as soon as I wake up in the morning.

As I look back, the purchase also seems to coincide with a HUGE decline in her memory. She's pretty much delusional all the time now. Everything I say or do, whether it's "by the dementia book" or on the fly, is wrong and starts something.

She also constantly complains about not having any friends and is resentful that I do have friends. She'll ask me in a very snarky way how I hold onto them! The thing is, she DOES have a couple of friends who consistently try to correspond with her, as well as my aunt, yet she refuses to respond. She thinks she has a "deal" with them that they can write whenever they want, but she won't write back. The whole thing is just really frustrating.

I want to have empathy and sympathy, and I did. But when I'm constantly getting beat up over every little thing, it gets pretty hard to be benevolent.

Praying to hear from Medicaid soon!! They told me not to badger them or reach out once I make the initial request. They are supposedly about 4 weeks behind, and it's been three since I put in the request.

Has anyone else experienced a similar delay? Did you reach back out with any success?

Peace!

M1

Daisie, who did you make the Medicaid request with? Do you know for a fact that she qualifies already, and this is an appointment to enroll her in services? I hope that's the case. If not, you may need to talk to a certified elder law attorney. If it is in fact to enroll her in services, they will be looking to see what kind of assistance she needs with activities of daily living. Generally, how much help she may qualify for is dependent on needs for assistance with bathing, dressing, grooming, toileting, walking, feeding, meal prep, household chores, shopping, and escort. It is certainly the case in our state that there are more people qualified for services than there are caregivers to provide them (I used to work for our Medicaid review board). This has been an ongoing problem since the COVID epidemic.

Emily 123

Hi Daisie,

If you tried to tell her it's a friend's car that you're borrowing…Would that work?

Can you get her healthcare provider prescribe her something? My Mom was very 'prickly' and resistant to care. Her provider put her on Lexapro and she's much more amenable now.

Daisie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216673#Comment_216673

Thank yoU! After speaking with the social worker in my mom's doctor's office, we're fairly certain she'll qualify due to her need for assistance with many ADLs. However, she hasn't officially gone through the Medicaid review process yet. She also has no savings and a meager SSI monthly income, so it's fairly evident she will qualify if they ever get back to me. I actually went into their office a few weeks ago to talk about it, and this was the path they told me to take. I don't know. I live in Oregon.

Daisie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216677#Comment_216677

She's already on Celexa but I'm thinking she needs an increase! She's at the lowest dose.

mabelgirl

I live in FL and went through the process of obtaining a Medicaid waiver (for LTC) for my mom. It took several months, first there was an assessment, doctor appointment to complete medical, a boat load of documents including DPOA and finally a decision. I never spoke to anyone doing the review. It was pretty much a waiting game. It took almost 3 months. The application for full Medicaid took less time but then again she was over the income limit by $15.
You sound as if your in same situation with your mom as I am, I am the source of all evil. It does wear on you for sure. Most days I can let her just go on and ignore it. Other days I want to scream at her. For sure an ALF would be best because it is VERY hard to keep my compassion.

Daisie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216699#Comment_216699

I'm so sorry for your situation, too! It does sound similar. I heard from Medicaid today, and the financial assessment is next week. They warned me this could be a long process, but my mom's file was flagged as "urgent need." Apparently, the social worker from her doctor's office called Medicaid on her behalf, which was a nice surprise, and that may help a bit. Yes, I, too, and the root of all evil, the devil incarnate. Easier said than done finding compassion when you're constantly getting beat up by your own mon who you looked up to and turned to for so many years. This is a pain that's hard to overcome, even if it is stemming from this awful disease.

Peace! Make sure to eke out time for yourself, even an hour or two here and there. It's really grounding! My friends also leave me Marco Polos to listen to during the day, so I feel like I have some "normal" social interaction whenever I have time during the day! It's been a sanity saver!