First time visiting since he was placed in a nursing home

Thephotogrrrl

I'm the daughter of a parent with dementia.

My father was in the early stages of dementia the last time I saw him. He was losing his ability to speak clearly, stop frequently, and figure out how to express his thoughts or feelings. That was three or four years ago. His illness spiraled since then and became too difficult for my mother to handle she had no choice but to place him in a nursing home. I recently graduated college and wanted to share that accomplishment with my father, he always wanted to see me finish. I made a commitment to myself that I would eventually go see him when I received my diploma. Now that time has come.

I'm not an expert Zen master by any stretch of the imagination but I think right now it's going to be the only thing that will get me through the front door of the facility. If I don't, I will completely psych myself out and barely even make it to the parking lot.

I will be visiting alone since both my mother and brother will be working. Our schedules rarely sync up when I am in town, I decided if I want to see him I might just have to go alone.

M1

Congratulations on your wonderful achievement. Know in your heart of hearts that your dad as you remember him IS proud and thrilled for you. That's what matters, and how wonderful that you had his support to help get you to this day.

I don't know what i would do in your shoes. I think you have to be prepared that your dad might not recognize you and might not understand what you're telling him. He might, but he might not, and you should be fully prepared for that. I also think it's perfectly OK if you decide not to visit. It's not for everyone, and how you see him now does not define his life and should not diminish who he was. But the dad you remember in your heart and mind will be cheering you on. Well done.

SDianeL

Some nursing homes have Social Workers. I would reach out to the social worker and explain your situation. Perhaps they could go with you to see him. My husband is in memory care for 6 months and no longer recognizes me. I believe you should still go and talk to him even if he doesn't respond. We don't know how much they hear and understand. Just hold his hand and thank him for everything. Tell him you love him. You can then decide if it's too painful to return to see him again. Congratulations on your degree. Hugs.

Thephotogrrrl

I started crying immediately. Everyone in the wing was looking at me. I sat with him, tears streaming through sobs and told him how much I loved him and what I did remember of the fun times we shared. I lasted maybe 10 minutes. I regret having gone alone, I regret having gone at all. The look in his eyes will haunt me, like a frightened child, unable to comprehend what's happening around him, what's happening to him. He was heavily medicated, as it was explained to me he is very aggressive without it. I hugged him, I held his hand, and I left running for the exit inconsolable. That was the hardest thing I may have ever done in my life. I'm having a shoulder replacement in sept and that pales in comparison. Thank you for your replies. Thank you so much. I haven't shared this with anyone else. You are all I have.

forbarbara

There is absolutely zero shame in the reactions we have to our loved ones with this $”@& disease. Every single one of us has felt anger, disgust, repulsion, frustration, guilt - you name it. But we have also had moments of love, peace, and joy.
As many have said in these discussions, it’s the disease we hate, not the person who has it. Hold on to your best memories, keep them close, and sweep those regrets right out the door.

fmb

I commend you for visiting your father. That was a very courageous thing to do. I understand from your previous posts that your father was placed in the nursing home nearly two years ago. It had to have been quite a shock to see him in the condition you described. Your reaction was normal and even healthy. Even with seeing my DH frequently, I am still sometimes shocked and grieved to see his decline. And yes, I cry.

In my opinion, you did the right thing by going to visit your father, both for your sake and his. Despite the frightened child look in his eyes, we don't really know how much people with dementia can actually comprehend deep inside. You did exactly what I do in my visits with my DH by holding his hand, hugging him, speaking of good times and most importantly, telling him that you love him.

I pray that in time you will come to not regret your visit and will embrace the gift of the opportunity to see him. My father and I were estranged and lived 1000 miles apart. For many reasons (including caring for my DH), I was unable to visit him before he died of ALZ in 2019. I do regret that, and have only recently made peace both with myself and with his memory.

Whether or not you choose to visit him again is a decision only you can make. You have overcome and accomplished great things in your life. Know that whatever your decision, you have the strength to face the future and know peace. ((Hugs))

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216904#Comment_216904

So sorry you had to face that alone. I think you made the right decision even though it's heartbreaking to see someone you love in that condition. He would say you are very brave. He would say congratulations on your achievements. He would say so much if he could. Cherish the memories. Do something to honor the memory of who he is. You are you because of him. Hugs.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216904#Comment_216904

My daughter's grandmother was in a nursing home with Alzheimer's when my daughter was 15 yrs old. Her Dad (my ex) didn't visit his Mom in the nursing home. He said he couldn't do it. I visited her as much as I could. I asked my daughter if she wanted to go with me. She said she didn't think she could. I said we go for them, not for us & for her to go with me and stand in the hall and I'll tell your Grandma that you are there. After a few minutes in the hall, my daughter came into the room with tears running down her cheeks and held her Grandma's hand and told her she loved her. Her Grandmother died not long after that. My daughter now says that she is so glad she went. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of what he once was. Go again if you can. If not, he would understand.

lenbury

I admire your courage. I an not sure anything could have prepared you for the visit.