When I'm away, Dad doesn't feed Mom

MichaelG

My Mom has pretty advanced dementia, Dad less advanced, I live with them to take care of them. Mom would stay in bed and not eat if I didn't feed her; Dad can get himself some simple food like cereal and ice cream; I make or buy them both real food. I tried to hire in-home care for Mom a few months ago, but Dad chased away the caregiver and threatened to kick me out of the house, too.

Sometimes I'm away for a day, and then I order food to be delivered to the house for them both. If Dad isn't hungry for it when it arrives, he just puts it all in refrigerator and doesn't take any to Mom, even though I call ahead and remind him to do so. Most recently some neighbors/family friends brought food over, and tried to take some directly to Mom. But Dad made it clear he didn't want them to come in further than the kitchen, and when I got home the food was on a counter, uneaten.

So if I'm away, Mom starves because Dad is proud and forgetful.

I'm supposed to start a teaching job in a few weeks. The only solutions I see are (1) turn down the teaching job to stay home and feed them, or (2) put one or both parents in a memory care facility so I can work. Are there other options? Are there, say, caretakers who come with a bodyguard to restrain one resident so they can care for the other? Is this something police would or could help with?—not that I want to escalate to that or waste the officers' time.

And, is this a common problem?

I am Mom's legal guardian and have POA over Dad.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Emily 123

Hi Michael,

It’s definitely not rare to see on here. I know others will be able to share their experiences.

It sounds like your dad’s progressed to the point where he can’t retain a verbal or visual cue ( phone calls, prepared food available). That makes him an unsafe caregiver for Mom in an emergency even if you could work around the meal issues. You don’t want to rely on him to rescue your mom - he might not be able to. This is a great video and it helped me:

https://alzconnected.org/home/leaving?allowTrusted=1&target=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D6cZTgG6kDjs

Probably the best recourse for peace of mind is to find a facility or a care home. My opinion would be that you won’t have the bandwidth to randomly drop everything and go assist him. You can talk with his healthcare provider to see if meds will help smooth out his resistance and subsequent agitation, but that won’t get your mom fed since he’s not cueing on reminders now, and there’s no guarantee he’d allow for assistance every day even with meds. You’ll struggle to manage him if he persists in refusing help.

The plan to care for your parents needs to take into account that you will need to work. You aren’t doing this to them, it’s due to a disease.

Best wishes,

H1235

If there was a fire would he know to leave the house, would he think/remember to get your mom out. Would he know to call 911. If he is not making sure she is getting food, what about her other needs? Are depends being changed, is she getting enough water…. Would he know what to do if sh tried to get out of bed and fell? It sounds to me like your mom needs more care than your dad is able to provide. Lack of empathy is a common symptom of dementia and not a trait you want in a caregiver. So it could be more than him just forgetting. I would even think hard about if it’s safe for your dad to be home alone by himself without your mom to care for. Taking care of them while working full time even with a 40 hour a week in home aide seems like an impossible task to me. I just don’t know how you could do it all. Something will end up suffering, your job, your sanity, your social life, your parents. I think it’s time to start looking at a facility for them. It does not make you a horrible person! Sounds like your mom would need memory care and your dad would be ok in assisted living. Maybe you can find a place that offers both in different wings. There can be a waiting list so I wouldn’t put it off. Good luck.