Sister Financially Abusing Mom

VDal75

My 54 year old sister is a narcissist and is the primary caregiver for our mom. Although I use caregiver very loosely. My mom has lived with my sister for 6 years now. The first 4 years while she was married. My sister gets paid by in home support services to “take care” of my mom. Help with meals, bathing, doctors appts, medications, etc. However, she does not cook so mom has to make herself sandwiches or eat salads because my sister does not buy food to make meals. She buys premade meals which my mom doesn’t eat because again my sister won’t make them for her. Mom has gone weeks without showering and months without brushing her teeth. She rarely takes her to the doctor and in the last year mom was diagnosed with dementia. My sister has left for days leaving my mom alone and not letting me know so I could check on her. She rarely interacts with my mom and over the last few months has gotten my mom’s credit card terms changed so she could use it for “emergencies” and changed the password so I cannot see the transactions on the credit card. I’ve finally had enough so I begin looking into my moms bank account and see that over the last 6 years my sister has completely drained my moms account every month. First 4 years she was taking $500 per month of which my mom has seem only $3000 of ($19500 which clearly my sister kept and used). The last 2 years she claims she needs all of my moms monthly funds for rent, food, utilities and living expenses. But 2 weeks ago she used moms bank card to get her own nails done. 2 days ago she tried to use the bank card at a restaurant while on a date but the card declined because she drains the account completely. Going back 2 years there have been charges here and there that are not for rent, utilities etc but for my sisters own personal use.

I confronted my sister very strongly today and she refuses to take any responsibility. My mom is on a very low fixed income and my sister earns well over $130,000 a year. She’s clearly taking financial advantage of my mom but my mom defends her actions. I know if my mom was not suffering from dementia she would not allow this behavior from my sister.

Please help. I don’t know how to protect my mom from my sister who is not only neglectful but also financially abusing our mom. My sister has now locked me out of all of moms accounts.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Who has power of attorney? If you really want to challenge this you are going to have to see an attorney. Look for listing of certified elder law attorneys by location at nelf.org. So sorry you are facing this.

Jo C.

You may want to contact Adult Protective Services for input and possible advice.

J.

mabelgirl

I second the suggestion of calling APS. I had to do that to my brother, all be it too late. They do a good job looking at all angles. In the meantime you need to work on getting DPOA.

harshedbuzz

APS for sure. It's the nuclear option. And you might not prevail but knowing she's on their radar might improve care. Of course, you might lose access.

HB

VDal75

Thank you all. I appreciate all of the suggestions. No POA in place, but I do have a call into a local elder law attorney to see if I can get one in place. I’ve been able so far to keep a good relationship with my mom, but she doesn’t want me confronting my sister anymore and says she’s ok and doesn’t need anything.

I’m trying not to get APS involved as my sister is a licensed therapist (ironic I know) and of course she played up the fact that she would lose her license and job if I report her. My husband and I would have mom come live with us but we currently have his mother here in one of the kids rooms because she’s completely dependent (diapers changes, showers, food, the whole nine yards). Hoping we can get MIL into a facility and move into a larger home at the end of the year but until then we can’t bring mom to live with us.

Thanks again all. Once I speak to the attorney and hopefully can get my mom to speak to them as well to get a POA in place I can figure out if a call to APS is definitely needed. Coincidentally got a call from moms IHSS Social Worker a few days ago because they hadn’t been able to reach my sister for a home visit, so I have her contact info now if I need to reach out.

fmb

I second all of the advice above. Unfortunately this type of abuse is all too common. This appeared on my local news today:

https://www.wpxi.com/news/local/over-1600-charges-filed-against-woman-accused-stealing-more-than-600k-dementia-patient/6ZHAEQOJQNH4NM3AHYO7EHJF5Q/

M1

I would definitely reach out to the IHSS and let them know your concerns. They can bring a lot of pressure to bear including terminating their payments to your sister if she's not holding up her end of the contract. I can attest to this as i used to work for our states Medicaid appeals review board.

VDal75

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217049#Comment_217049

WOW! That's unbelievable! Yes, I'm seeing that this is a common thing that happens. I just never thought my own sibling could resort to this when literally she makes six figures and my mom gets $1150 a month. I just can't wrap my head around how she can do what she's doing and not have a care in the world.

VDal75

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217059#Comment_217059

I want to reach out to IHSS but when I spoke to my mom about having someone else come take care of the things my sister is neglecting she said she doesn't want a strange person to tell her what to do and be beholden to someone else's time. It's a fine line of respecting my mom's wishes and protecting her at the same time. Thank you M1 for the reassurance that if i see no other choice but to take that step it will be dealt with accordingly. I appreciate that very much.