Everything’s falling apart

tigersmom

Today I went to a party at DH’s daycare with him. The occasion was his last day there. Earlier this week, after the last two outings there ended in multiple attempts to leave and general other disruption, everyone agreed that the usefulness of this had run its course. Even after 18 months, DH still has tremendous separation anxiety from me. It is now made worse by the fact that he can no longer use his phone to contact me, and when others volunteer to call his wife for him, he says, “I don’t know who you’re talking about.” I can’t tell you how sad it made me to see these kind and caring caregivers, and the other residents, tell him how much they would miss him. He had a wonderful time… but only because I was there with him. Which really isn’t the point of daycare. A month ago I began researching memory care facilities after he eloped in the middle of the night in late May. While I have found a good one, I think, I am having such a hard time moving forward. He might not be ready, but I for sure am not. My sister, who has been quite involved in listening to me over the last three years, is pushing me hard to place him. But I read the posts from others who have had to place their loved ones suddenly, like @M1 , @White Crane and @SDianeL , and I know that placing him now will break three hearts — his, mine and Birdy’s. Birdy is one of our cats. He adores my husband and sleeps in his arms every night. He is the only living thing in the world who thinks my husband is perfect exactly as he is. I know this disease keeps changing and we have to change with it, but I am struggling. Thank you for listening.

M1

I'm so sorry, but i do think it's time. It is not selfish, and i think you have done all you can. I promise you that you will find a way forward. Will be thinking of you.

Crkddy

Tigersmom, I'm so sorry and think I understand how you are feeling. I too have been soul searching about placing DW in MC. I feel like I will be letting her down by not continuing to care for her at home. But I also feel that I am slowing drowning and need to do it to preserve some sort of life for myself. You are doing the best you can and you are not alone. I think what we need to remember is what many others have said several ways previously - this disease is going to take our loved one. Be careful that it doesn't take the caregiver too.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70029/everything-s-falling-apart

so sorry you are at this point in the progression. Although it broke my heart to place my husband in memory care it was the right decision. For both of us. He is getting excellent care. There is no way I could have kept him home with his agitation, medication needs and now fully incontinent. I could no longer keep him safe. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia is 24/7 and affects your mental & physical health. I think you are saying it’s time. Sending hugs and prayers for your strength.

mrahope

Just a note to say that, IME, my DH is actually happier in MC than he was at home. He feels he has friends and a sense of purpose there. As a former clinical psychologist, he thinks he is "treating" the other folks and helping them.