How to introduce bringing in help

DLewis2024

,About a year ago now, we moved my mother and father into an apartment I had built for them on one side of my home when I built a new home a few years ago. It's attached, just a separate wing/area with a door to the inside (not the outside). My 84 year old father is fully able to take care of himself, but he has his own health issues. My 80 soon to be 81 year old mother, was diagnosed with Dementia/Altz 3 years ago.

We are seeing what feels like a fairly quick decline in the last 3 motnhs or so. Up until that point, she had memory and logic issues, but was still able to mostly take care of herself. My Dad does some basic caregiving of my Mom - fills her pill box, makes sure she takes them, makes sure she eats and a few other things. I work full-time in an executive level job. The majority of time, I am working at home in an office and on conference calls. I made a promise to my mother when her sister put her mother in a care facility many years ago that we would not do that unless she was a danger to herself or to others. The plan has always been we would bring in care. We have openly talked about it over the years and recently, but now my mother is really adament about not wanting it, not needing, etc.

My sister had an acquantance from work that we thought would be great fit (our religon, ex-nurse who dealt with elderly people, etc.). We had her to dinner at my sisters a few months ago and my Mom was furious. She didn't want her or anyone else coming in. I told her at some point we are going to have to. Cut to 3 to 4 months later, she's having problems dressing herself, she already had an overactive bladder, but now is having dementia related incontinence (we shifted from pads to Depends), and she needs more interaction throughout the day. She's still adament she doesn't need help, but she does and so do I. I can't leave my job, yet, for financial reasons. I need to work another year or possibly longer.

1. How do you now when you should bring someone in? Is that as much about what you the caregiver(s) need as it is about the person with dementia?
2. How do you get past the anger and insistence that they don't need anyone to help them and they don't want anyone in the house? My boss said she just did it and her Mom got over it fairly quickly, but my Mom is very stubborn.
3. How do you find the "right person", the "right match" for your parent?
4. Where do you look for someone? Is it better to go through channels like your friends or chucrch first or should you go with someone like Visiting Angels?

I need to read the 36 hour day and some of the other books/videos on caregiving, I was making alot of mistakes, but am learning, but I can't do this full time.

Thank you!

H1235

Because of anosognosia I doubt there will ever come a time when she agrees she needs help. Anosognosia in the inability to see her own symptoms and limitations. It sounds like it’s time for additional help. Not just for your mom’s sake but your dads as well. If this upsets her too much you may need to consider medication to calm her. As far as how to find the right person I have no idea. Is it too late to try the person your sister found? Good luck.

mabelgirl

One thing it has taken me awhile to be able to do, is to stop seeking my mom’s agreement with things that I know need to be done. I often remind myself her brain is like a toddler and thus I would never ask my toddler if we should do this or that. I am doing everything in hers and mine best interest and thus I do what must be done for both of us. I recently started bringing in companion for her while I’m out for extended time. She absolutely hates it and calls the companion her babysitter. It gives me the assurance if there is an emergency someone is here for her thus I don’t feel stressed when I am out. It’s been 6 weeks and she less likely to complain but still makes angry comments. Oh well baby kick your feet it’s needed, I tell myself.

Prayers for peace of mind you’re doing the necessary.

Bebobra

We had the same issue with my MIL. Stubborn and insisting “I don’t need help!” even through her struggling to mow the lawn, cook and do anything. We were finally able to bring someone in from Visiting Angels only after she was taken to ER the previous weekend. The director of VA was so generous and got us the help to get her under hospice care, which too has been a tremendous help. The only downside initially was the caregivers. Out of the 6 they sent only one was worth her salt. She is now MIL’s permanent caregiver and helps 7 days a week from 9 till noon. Cooks and has breakfast with her, does light housekeeping and even plays with her, her favorite card game! She truly is a blessing. We are now looking for a second caregiver to come daily in the evenings as we navigate moving out of State. We are back and forth a lot due to closing down a business and trying to sell our house.

I hope you’re able to find someone.

mrsabaldwin

Definitely can relate. Very similar situation with my mother. I did hire someone and my mom has decided that this person is in love with her and wants to do inappropriate things with her. Oh boy. I have two cameras in her MIL suite so I know that is untrue. This CG arrives early in the morning and completes everything that I need her to do so I can get to the office. Now I’m back to cleaning mom up from overnight and getting her ready for the day. I’m basically paying for a daily housekeeper because the CG also performs light housekeeping tasks.

When I decided both mom and I needed help, I just hired someone. However I did make meeting mom part of the hiring process. Mom helped choose her CG. I have told mom and remind her often that I cannot provide 24/7 care. Similar to your situation, I am a couple of years away from being able to be a full time CG. While I can work remotely to an extent, I do need to be on site for some projects. I am considering asking for a reduction in pay and responsibilities so I can spend more time with mom.

I knew that mom needed help with ADL’s and I could not assist her 24/7. We needed help. If I compute the rate of pay by the hours I provide my mother with care, the total is enormous. Yet much less than a SNF. So help at home was absolutely needed and financially sound.

I included mom in the hiring process and that helped some. I am back to thinking about hiring a new CG because of mom’s attitude toward her. I used care.com because the folks there held the qualifications for what mom needs now versus hiring a nurse at a much higher rate of pay. If you have someone that you can hire by word of mouth, that is great. In our case we did have someone who was recommended but mom did not like her at all.

Something I am weighing is asking a CG to wear scrubs. Mom responds to that, considering them to be a professional and not just someone in her “house”. I place that in quotes as not only does mom live with me but also has lost most memory of recent years and thinks she is in a hotel or SNF most of the time. Her current CG has refused to at least wear a scrub top.

I hope my situation has helped you. Feel free to ask any questions you may have.

DLewis2024

Thank you, all of you, for your comments. I reached out to a previous neighbor who was a nurse's aid, hoping she could come in at least a couple of days a week, which would have been a fairly easy "sell", but she's working full time in hospital administration now, so back to the drawing board. I was thinking about Visiting Angels. I'm going to start with checking through my church and county aging resources and probably also checking out visiting Angels. I'll have my sister and Dad meet anyone we are considering first and then go from there. I'll have to figure out whether or not I have Mom be part of the process, which I think, being the control person she is (like me), she may respond well to or if I need to go with the pretext of she's helping me and ease into it. Maybe that's the "deal", we are going to do this, but you can chose who it is. My gut says, it'll depend on the person. I'll update this as I go.