He is like my shadow

MarDel0917

God love my bf (eoa age 45) but what is with the following me around like a puppy? I was cleaning around the house and every time I turned around he was right there. I went to shake out a rug and he was right behind me. He is so light footed I didn't hear him. I got upset and told him I'm not going anywhere I just need space I almost ran into you. When he talks he talks with his hands or feels he need to get into my "personal space" or his hands are right toward my face. I tell him to back up and tell him he can talk to me from alarms length. But he does this with others too when talking to them. I jait politely remind him remember personal space honey. Then this am I'm going potty (normally yes I do pee with the door open) but I shut it this time and he just barges in. I tell him I need a moment of privacy. I love him dearly but to be so close all the time in our little apartment. Oye vay. *deep breaths*

We are all in this together 💜

M1

This behavior is in fact called shadowing. He is relying on you to keep him going. It's a problem and is one reason caregivers burn out.

Cissybelle

You are not alone! My DH does the same thing and it wears me out! If I go outside, he follows me. If I go to another room, here he comes. When he mows the yard, it's only for a little bit and he's back inside finding me and back out, back in. I retired 3 years ago and I feel suffocated. I tell people I have 3 shadows. Mine, his and our dog.

JuneP..67

My husband follows me around as well! I too feel suffocated. I do have an escape right now though… I live in a community with a pool and I go there every day for a couple hours. Thank God he can still be alone for a while! Not sure what I’m going to do once I can’t leave him alone anymore. I keep praying for strength!

SDianeL

he does that because his world is falling apart. He's anxious. You are his anchor. No amount of chastising him or instructing him will work. You can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Can you get someone to stay with him while you get a break? If not you will burn out when things get worse. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it explains the disease, stages & tips on how to care for someone with Alz-Dem. We know how you feel.

DTSbuddy

Thanks for the explanation SDianeL. If his anxiety is the problem, then I need to reduce it. I have gotten used to the shadowing, to a certain expent.. He often tries to do what I have just done, picking up a book or clothes that I just put down, and moving them to another spot, This makes sorting out a room nearly impossible, The worst is when I am cooking, and he is right behind me. I'm afraid I will spill hot food on him. I now put out a snack to start him eating while I am fixing a meal, and that helps keep him busy. Or sorting mail, or old christmas cards. . A reassuring smile, and a 'thank-you' and music and dancing. He was my anchor for 45 years. I can do this.

annie51

This was a tough adjustment for me too but as I read more and more about dementia and realized how “normal” shadowing was, I had to just suck it up. He used to go out and do yard work himself and I’d have a little break to do bills, read emails and get on this forum…but now he wants me to go out with him. He sits outside the bathroom door when I’m doing my business but will knock and/or come in if I take more than a few seconds. It’s very frustrating and I know I need to find some other way to take a break - in home companion or something like that. No family close by and I’m hesitant to ask friends. We’re with you in spirit as you trudge through!

FTDCaregiver1

Hi MarDel0917 - My DW first started shadowing early on. I used to play softball, took her to all the games, then a year after diagnosis, I'd see her from the field shadowing, kinda crept up and just stood next to folks who were talking together and stared at them quietly, she just derived comfort from being near people. Talk about awkward, I just got in the habit of telling folks at the games about her condition, not to be alarmed, they were all great about it. Quite sports as she couldn't really travel about a year after that, way to anxious, she shadowed for a total of about 4 years, much less so now that she's in stage 6. Playing music helps a bit and stuffed animals to divert attention. I just kinda got used to it over time so for me wasn't too much of a biggie, oh…and lock the bathroom doors, ;}

AlzWife2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217315#Comment_217315

I've got the same thing, the dog & DH. Laying on the couch for a few minutes with both in the other room (not near me!) literally feels like a vacation.

AlzWife2023

Yes, you can! Little activities & distractions help a lot. I put sports on TV when I need space and he watches happily for hours. He gets his steps in later when he's following me around or doing his surveys of the yard etc. LOL.

tboard

I have been having this experience too. If I need to be out of his site i leave a note on a white board that he reads. that seems to help.