Just checking ...

psg712

Has anyone heard that quizzing a PWD helps their brain stay active? The friends who are visiting my mom this week have been plying her with multiple choice questions, trying to get her to remember things. They provide cues, and she answers correctly much of the time. I have overheard them saying things like "this bird is a cardinal, right?"

They took it upon themselves to discuss their methods and results with the MC activities director. From their account, she told them they were doing this "exactly right". They then reported to me that she still has a working memory and that she just needs to be engaged in this sort of brain exercise to help her resist the memory loss.

I'm interested in the group's experience and opinion on this. Thanks.

M1

Myth, pure and simple.

psg712

Thank you. That is my belief too, but these friends are relentless in their insistence on keeping her busy for several hours at a time with these activities. She, of course, will never have the initiative to say she's had enough. I am keeping my sanity, and my temper, by trying to stay out of it. These are lifelong friends who were very helpful to my mom when she lived alone. They make a yearly visit to see her now that she's moved closer to me. I appreciate their love and help to mom but they have very poor boundaries. Only one day left to the visit ... deep breath!

harshedbuzz

The brain is not a muscle that can be exercised. Their behavior may very well be upsetting for your LO. If it is and they persist, they'd have to be on the No-fly List.

I would also discuss this with the Activities Director. I suspect that in addition to being either delusional or cruel, they are also liars. If the AD told them what they were doing was "exactly right" then she obviously lacks the training and experience to fill her current position.

HB

Emily 123

Wow. Your poor mom. How stressful for her (and you). Exhausting. I hope these goofs aren't hunkered down in your house and you're having to entertain them too.

No doubt your mom is able to cue off of their body language and hopeful nudges during their little open ended quizzes. And she may well remember, when prompted, that a red bird is called a cardinal. It's likely that she hasn't forgotten that information yet, which is older than something like her grandchild's name. But these folks aren't willing to face reality. It's a shame that they can't be more supportive of you—everything you've written about your mom makes it clear that MC is the best choice for her.

The director's answer sounds exactly like what any admin would say when cornered by well-meaning people that want a pat on the back.

psg712

Whew. I feel supported by you all. Any objections I have raised to the friends' behavior has been argued, and everything I told them ahead of the visit about her limitations has been discounted. It's somewhat surprising to me, because I thought that they understood her situation better than most people from their contact with her before the move.

I had to put my foot down firmly at the start of this visit about video recording. Last year I found out after the fact that they recorded a video of mom saying hi to old friends from church. Then they went home and played it for folks who knew her. I doubted that she knew what she was doing, but it was too late. This year I wanted to prevent this. She has declined considerably over the year, does not remember the people back home, has no understanding of video recording and no capacity for consent. In her right mind, she would NOT want this done. Our friends pushed back when I told them no video, but I was adamant and they finally agreed not to record her.

Quilting brings calm

it’s a good thing it’s only a yearly visit. If this happened often, she would eventually become frustrated and have a meltdown because she would be stressed out about answering the questions. I think her friends will find this quiz more difficult next year.

I’d let it go for now. They are in denial and aren’t going to listen until dementia rears it’s ugly head on their own lives

M1

A year is a long time. Good riddance to bad rubbish, and maybe something will change in the next year that you can put a stop to another visit. Fight that battle another day. But good for you for stopping the video. Anyone who cannot consent should not be even photographed without your okay.

psg712

Qbc, if this were more than a yearly visit, I would be the one having the meltdown! You are right about the denial, though it was a surprise to me.

The crazy thing is that they do feel this has happened in their own lives. They have long claimed her as their second mom; in fact, they address her as "mom" and have told several of the MC staff that they are her adopted children. Then they get poor mom to confirm: "you adopted us, right mom?" And of course she says yes. I'm going to have to do some damage control over there when they leave.

I appreciate everyone's wise words and your patience with my venting here.

JeffCut

Definitely tough 🙏 Acceptance and having realistic expectations can take a while.
While we have her doing word puzzles, etc. it has no cognitive impact that we have seen. Just trying to have a Good day as often as possible.

psg712

Update: our busy friends left to go home this morning. I stopped by MC this evening and sat with mom during dinner. I had not seen her myself since Sunday, so I asked how her week has been. She shrugged and said "ok." I said, anything out of the ordinary happen? "No, " she answered, looking befuddled as usual for that time of day. End of discussion.

The AD happened to be staying late and helping out in the dining room. We had a chance to talk after dinner. She clarified that she doesn't push residents to do more activities than they are comfortable with, but she does encourage them to be involved in things that she knows they enjoy. She commented that our visiting friends "seemed to be trying to get the most out of their time" with mom and said that she sees this frequently with long distance family of residents when they come for visits. It also sometimes occurs when people who don't see the resident often and aren't in touch with the stage of dementia try to push the PWD to prove they are more functional than they actually are. Families have to choose, she said: do you want more performance or more peaceful time together? She compared it with medical treatment at end of life - do you want to extend their time on earth, or do you want to focus on comfort and relationships even if the time is shorter? She knows my perspective on this. She also said that she would definitely intervene in the intense activity sessions if she saw mom becoming anxious or agitated. Mom just coped by going to her room and sleeping the rest of each day after the visits.

I felt much better after this talk.