Tips for the dreaded move to memory care

tryingtodurvive

I’ve finally made the decision to move my beloved husband to a memory care center. I’m so overwhelmed with grief and just getting through the actual process. Can anyone offer me advice for how you actually get your spouse to the facility and what to tell them. My husband still loves me dearly even though most of the time i’m not his wife. He showed me pictures of us together and talks about me as a third person. I just hope I’m doing the right thing. It’s a sad, sad time.

Joe C.

Talk to the MC administration and come up with a story as the why his is moving there and how they recommend you handling the drop off. My wife loves music so we arrived just as a music activity was starting and the staff lead her into the activities room while I finished up the last of the paperwork. Some people come up with fiblets that might work with there LO such as we need some renovations on the house and we’re moving out while the work is being completed. Other people have said they need to go into the hospital and you are staying here until I recover from my procedure. Good luck.

M1

Good for you, you will get through this. Others have said it's for a new doctor's appointment, then that the doctor wants you to stay here for assessment/therapy/etc. The staff will definitely help you. I promise you too that it won't matter what you say in the long run, because he will forget. My partner, as much as she clearly loves me, has forgotten that we ever lived together.

harshedbuzz

FWIW, mom and I found the weeks between scheduling MC and actually admitting him to be the most heart retching phase of dad's dementia. It got much better once he settled in and we fell into a routine of visiting and seeing him well-cared for.

You'll need a fiblet, most likely, to ease the move. You know your spouse best, but options include things like needing to move out of the house because of a sewer line repair or termites, calling it lunch out and heading to the facility for a meal together with you ghosting after. I didn't think any fiblet around mom having surgery would work— between his lack of empathy and anosognosia he'd never see the need to be elsewhere. He was delusional enough to think he was the caregiver in the relationship.

I set up his room, so mom didn't telegraph any changes which would have triggered anxiety. We went with their furniture as it was easier and given our fiblet seemed to make more sense. The day of the move we told him he was seeing a new doctor "to make sure he was getting the best care possible". We'd arranged with the facility to bring him in during an ice cream social ahead of their daily matinee. The activities director met us at the door, swept dad off and introduced him to 2 of the less impaired friendly folks who live there. When he asked why he was there we told him he was in a fancy rehab to get stronger. When he wanted to come home, we could defer to some fictional physician who would make the decision.

One suggestion is to have someone go with you if you can or even meet you in the parking lot after. This will be an emotional day for you.

HB

Chris20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217571#Comment_217571

I like the "Fiblet" idea of telling my wife I have to go in the hospital so she has to stay in a special facility. I never leave her alone because she wouldn't know how to call 911 or push the life alert button if she fell down or had another clot or something. She is subject to panic attacks, separation anxiety, dysphasia, and tachycardia, along with paranoia. I am just about burned out. I would love to hear some more success stories on how others have accomplished the move to assisted living.