Anniversary #47

mrahope

It's our wedding anniversary today. I'm just really sad because nothing about our marriage turned out the way I thought it would. As background, we found out after we placed my DH in MC that he had (seemingly) been unfaithful, was deeply into porn, and even had pictures that may have been illegal (or borderline). Even though it's been several months and the MC says he's happy, it's left me wondering why this happened, and if there's something I could have known or done that would have changed it. I know I need to "turn the page" but it's tough.

Has anyone else found out that their "person" wasn't who they thought he/she was? How do you come to grips with what the person hid from you? Because of all this, I find myself unable/unwilling to visit DH anymore. Thanks, as always, for "listening".

PS67

mrahope, so sorry that you are faced with a huge shock/challenge, on top of being caretaker. I have one suggestion that is available on You Tube….Kristen Neff talks about Self Compassion, a program which she created years ago. I’ve found it helpful. I hope it brings some help to you.

Regards,

PS67

M1

mrahope, I just came across a book you might be interested in (haven't read it yet, but on my list). It's called The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards, and written by a woman who made similar discoveries. I'm so sorry. I know this has been devastating to you and your son, at the very least.

Joe C.

mrahope, I am sorry you are finding out things about your husband’s past. For some PWD interest in porn and increased interest in sex is part of the disease. I am not sure if that is true for your husband but if these activities are in more recent history you may want to consider that maybe his cognitive deficiencies lead him down this path.

harshedbuzz

@mrahope

I am so sorry you are dealing with this new information on top all of the usual losses that come from having a spouse with dementia.

There are 2 different scenarios here. It could be that the man to whom you are married did have a darker side from which he protected you and that you only became aware as he became less filtered. My dad was sort of like this. He did behave in some ways that were unfaithful when he was younger. He wasn't especially discrete about it with mom, but it wasn't part of his public persona he shared except with a couple of close friends. As he progressed, he lost his social filter and developed a tendency to brag about his exploits to all in hearing distance. Some of his stories would have landed him in jail. For mom, it was like suffering the pain and humiliation a second time.

Dad's been gone 6 years now and it's only in the last couple that mom has been able to enjoy some of the better memories when things were good. Therapy and time have seemed to get her into a better space around this.

There was a woman in our support group he developed an interest in porn and unusual practices as an early symptom of his dementia. There is no record of this sort of thing on his older computers or that his close friends knew about. She actually divorced him over this and some of the financial decisions he made. He was later diagnosed with a FTD-behavioral variant. She did visit him once his kids shared the diagnosis and placed him, but she was really struggling with making sense of what she'd be through.

HB

JeriLynn66

I'm just so sorry for this heartache.

mrahope

Many thanks to all of you for your caring comments. Most days I am doing ok, but it does seem to be taking a while to "return to level". It feels good to know that some of this might have been early manifestations of the disease process, which I hadn't thought of. @M1 and @PS67 , special thanks for your reading/viewing suggestions, which I plan to explore.

fmb

@mrahope I am so sorry that you are going through this nightmare. Your description of his behaviors could have been written about my first husband, except that he was in his 30s and did not have dementia. He left me 24 years ago when I demanded that he seek treatment for his addiction, which was not only affecting me but our two young sons. It has taken me many, many years, but I realized at his funeral two weeks ago that I had forgiven him somewhere along the way.

There is nothing you could have done to prevent or change his behavior. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. His behavior in no way lessens your value as a person. Please consider seeking counseling from someone specially trained to deal with women in your situation. Do not feel guilty that you cannot visit him. He is being taken care of at the MCF. You must take care of yourself.

White Crane

mrahope, sending hugs. I am so sorry.