deleted

Maru

Quilting brings calm

There’s one thing I have learned during my 65 years on earth… the future isn’t predetermined. We don’t control it and it definitely isn’t what we thought it would be. There’s no way to know what your daughter will be doing in a year or two. Definitely not 10 years from now.

Please don’t spend time thinking about what she will feel at his funeral. Please don’t castigate her for not traveling. She didn’t move, you did. As for her responsibilities- she’s allowed to have them. Whether it’s a job, kids, pets, volunteering- she’s allowed to have a life. Her life may be very different in a year or two or three. She may overcome her hate of traveling in order to visit if she feels she will be welcome at that time.

It’s ok that you resent her for not being there to give you a break. We all have relatives that we wish would step up and take their ‘turn’. I am the eldest daughter. I’d love my siblings to travel in from out of state to help. However our family dynamics are such that they feel no closeness to/and have absolute resentment for my mom ( or my deceased step-dad). I understand that. I just wish I’d been the one to live out of state.

Editted to add- I just reviewed your other post and your comments. I did not realize that you were 84. I can certainly see that dealing with your spouse’s issues is much more difficult at 84 than in your 60s. I can certainly understand why you want your daughter to show up. However as a daughter in her 60s, I can see her side of it too. Please just depend on your other children and let your 3rd daughter dictate her own involvement. Your time is too valuable to spend it resenting her.

harshedbuzz

@Maru -

Vent away. You are entitled to feel whatever it is you feel under these circumstances.

I was the daughter in this scenario— like you, my parents moved away when they retired. I was pretty salty about this. TBH, I still am. I felt at little abandoned which I know is inappropriate given that I was a grown-@**ed woman, but I felt what felt. They'd been ridiculously doting grandparents to my sister's now then teen daughters— weekend sleepovers, dinners out, trips to Mexico, Jamaica and the beach, attended their school events, etc. They moved out on my kid when he was in kindie. He got screwed over. To add insult to injury, they moved 3 days after he was diagnosed with autism and had me supervise their move. They used to get frustrated with me when I declined to travel— sometimes it was a matter of being broke or not being able to break from DS's therapy, special schools and camps, sometimes DH was traveling for work which left me parent-in-charge and sometimes I needed to be on hand for my son (and nieces). I always said they'd move back when they needed care, and that's exactly what happened around the time DS graduated from college. Dad crashed, mom almost died in his care, and I moved them back to where I live.

I don't know if there's a backstory here. It's interesting that you were warned. I wonder if her "not liking to travel" is something deeper. Perhaps there's some anxiety that makes this difficult for her.

HB