87 yo Parents living alone - Navy Veteran

Chelly814

Hi Everyone,
I am new here. My parents are 87yo and currently live alone in an apartment community for 55 and older. My mother has a hard time walking due to double knee surgery years ago and is starting to show signs of dementia (she will never admit it but she is). She is so frail (97lbs) and is the sole caregiver for my dad (besides myself but I do not live with them). My dad is a US Navy Veteran and is currently in healthy condition but is starting to show signs of dementia. He constantly repeats himself and doesn't remember to do things. His long term memory is good but his short term memory is really starting to go. He is also starting to wander.

They unfortunately do not have any money saved and do not have a house to their name. As their child I have a family of my own and can't afford to really help them financially. The VA Aid and Attendance benefit is so hard to get because you have to show that more than half of their income is being used for care but it is currently being used for their rent and food. I don't understand how we can show that to the VA if we don't even have the money to get help in the first place. This can't be a unique situation and I am just wondering if anyone else has encountered this. Assisted Living facilities in our area cost any where between 6-9k. My parents income is only 4k a month.

My mom wants to see if we can get my dad into a temporary care facility where he can go to a couple times a week or even an adult day care center. Just so she can get some rest from all the stress that she is having from taking care of my dad and worrying about him. Does anyone have any advise on how to go about finding a facility in the Southern California area, more specific somewhere in the Jurupa Valley/Rancho Cucamonga area?

Any help would so be greatly appreaciate. I feel so alone and I am not sure what to do.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Do you have them both qualified for Medicaid in addition to Medicare? That might get them eligible for some in-home help as well as for some group homes in California, as i understand it. The VA benefits won't help your mother should she need care too. You should also have durable power of attorney for both of them. A certified elder law attorney could help with both of those issues (look at nelf.org). Others can speak more to the VA benefits for your dad, but it sounds like you need to be planning for both of them. Your local council on aging may also be able to offer suggestions.

fmb

Chelly814, Thank you and your family for your dad's service from my DH (Air Force veteran) and myself.

The two members below have some experience with obtaining services for their veteran loved ones.

@ButterflyWings @concerned_sister

Would either of you have any suggestions for helping this Navy veteran?

concerned_sister

Hello from a fellow Californian. Next to me is the number for the Long Beach VA for scheduling. 562 826-5565.

I recognize Jurupa Valley being not far from my relatives in Corona. I don't have info handy for Riverside County, but my bet is that if you call the number I left someone can call you back and direct you to services in your area. I'm going to go add a comment to one of my discussions that should bring it to the top, and then I'll revise my comments here.

I have added an @Chelly814 to the end of a prior discussion.

Some thoughts:

I have found with my DB there are benefits that it seems he does not qualify for as he did not serve in a time of war (survellience of Russian subs during the Cold War does not count). With your father's age, it seems he may be a candidate for benefits earned during wartime service.

-If you haven't already get a medical POA and HIPPA clearance to talk to your dad's team of doctors, I schedule and attend all my brother's appointments. As you are out of state, you may need to be requesting copies of records and appointment notes, and phone numbers of staff to follow up with.-

I understand their are VA homes but the ratio of available beds vs qualified vets does not work in your favor. You posted about, "The VA Aid and Attendance benefit is so hard to get because you have to show that more than half of their income is being used for care but it is currently being used for their rent and food." This indicates to me you've already been actively researching this so I may not have much to offer. You mention signs of dementia in your father are fairly recent. Can you arrange for him to be seen by a PCP in the VA system? Does he have any issues sleeping? DB answering affirmatively to that resulted in a referral to the TIDES team. This is part of their available mental health care and the D in TIDES is for Depression. He got a screening for depression, but that has opened the door for other things. My DB has an appointment with a VA neurologist, and perhaps your father can get on the same path. My goal is to have DB's ALZ documented in the VA medical system, so that it can be used as evidence in the VA Benefits system. Also when you are able to get him in to a VA PCP, ask for the contact information of the Social worker that works in that same medical building. My guy is Brent. When I have a question and can't think of who the right person to call is, he's been willing to look up a number for me or act as a go between. We originally had a teleconfrence with Brent after the first PCP visit (at my request). He was able to explain what things DB would qualify for down the road when his ALZ diagnosis starts interferring with his ability to perform his activities of daily living (toileting, feeding, getting dressed etc). It may be that you want to familiarize yourself with this information in anticipation of what is likely in the future.

I hope some of that has been helpful.

housefinch

Maybe @SDianeL has guidance to share? I thought she had military/VA experience

TaraF

Your situation is very similar to mine. We are in the process of applying for the Aid & Attendance for my father. If you haven't reached out to the local Department of Aging, I would start there. They are familiar with the VA help.

My parents only make $2400 a month total and here in Maryland, they are considered above the poverty line, which makes them ineligible for most assistance. They can't afford to go anywhere unless we can get the VA assistance.