Update on long distance mother

Adresch

I posted once earlier this year and have struggled ever since. This year has been very strained with her continuing to be angry and blaming that we have taken everything from her. She continues to hang up on me if I call.

My 89 yo mother was dx 11/2 years ago we think she progressed to moderate stage but hasn’t been back to a provider to evaluate. We live 2000 miles away and she finally went to a PCP and first thing she told her was revoking my POA. She’s been declared no longer having capacity - I’m guessing this can’t be done?
Her car insurance covered her suspended license until midnight last night and my husband was out to help get her house up to standard for CA fire insurance despite her fighting us the whole way. Our plan was for him to drive back in her car and he is on his way now. We left her a list of resources and it turns out I was in the title with her. Making my responsibility even greater and risk
She will wake up and find her car gone today and has already tried to engage with an attorney.

This is so ugly, so hard and beyond my coping lately.

fmb

@Adresch I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Caring for a parent with dementia is never easy. I'm afraid I have no advice to give, but if you repost this on the Caring for a Parent board, you should get more replies. This board, Caring Long Distance does not get much traffic. Best wishes for resolving your situation.

CaliforniaGirl-1

We were in this situation for years, so all I can do is give you my deepest sympathy. Finally there was a precipitating event and we were able to get my LO in AL and then MC (still long distance). It was hard but better. Then we were able to move her across the country near me.

It is not your mother doing this, it's the disease. She is frightened because she knows things are not normal and she is trying to exert control where she can. (Easy to say, hard to experience)

My only advice is to start preparing for the next step, whatever you want that to be. Call the local Alzheimer’s Association and see if they can recommend several placement and referral agencies if your plan is to get your mom out of her house and into and AL or MC near her. These folks can be very helpful and are paid by the place your choose and not by you or your mom. They can also recommend geriatric care managers who can be very helpful trying to coordinate long distance care but they do cost money.

The local Alzheimers organization should be able to recommend other resources.

Good for you getting the car away. There are a lot of people struggling with that.

Adresch

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217861#Comment_217861

thank you for responding this feels so lonely dealing with it. So few resources and everyone has an opinion about taking a car away but then no one has a dignified way.

towhee

I am sorry that you continue to be in such a hard situation. This time when a parent still has some capacity and refuses help is so frustrating, and it often is not so easy to "just do what is needed", as outsiders will advise. We just have to keep trying.

Did you say that you are on the title of the car, as in co-owner? If so, that makes the legalities better. Given your moms temperament, it is not impossible that she will call the police and report the car stolen, and your husband has crossed state lines with it. Of course, it is a matter of he said, she said, in that she might have given him permission to do so. The car thing might really ire up her friends, and depending on if they want to get involved and how competent they are, they might help her find a lawyer. As to whether she can change the POA, it depends. It is not about finding a shady doctor it is about finding a lawyer that she can present to as competent enough to change her POA, and that is not a very high bar. He does not have to see a doctors report, he only has to make his own judgement. If your POA was springing, and dependent on two doctors signing off and she shows that POA to the lawyer then you might not have a problem, but if it is not springing, or she does not show it to the lawyer and gets a new POA then you might end up fighting it out in court. I am not a lawyer, but I have read on this board about how things can go wrong. Please try to contact a lawyer again. Hopefully, your mother is past having the ability to carry out what she threatens, but you never know.

Also, please try to contact a geriatric care manager in your mother's area and get them to check on your mom. It covers you, in that you are seen as trying to provide care, and it will give you good on the ground information. Even if your mother refuses to talk to them you are on record as trying. You want someone with a nursing background who is neutral between in home care and placement in AL. Also, keep notes on the information you are getting from neighbors, and be careful about what you say and write.

CaliforniaGirl-1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70123/update-on-long-distance-mother

When we were in this situation with my LO one of the hardest things were the well meaning friends' advice and observations. These were friends whose LOs were not impacted by dementia and so they had no idea of what it was like to be trying deal with a LO with dementia and in denial and they kept saying things like, 'just do so and so" .