Advice needed

em2020

My mom has Alzheimer’s & lives with her partner. She was always an independent, strong woman who loved her independence, quiet time and kept herself busy. Now that is all gone & although I understand that’s not her choosing & that it’s scary for her, it doesn’t make it any easier. Lately she completely forgets when she has seen me and my children. I’ll be away from my phone & come back to 15 text messages ranging from I want to see you, I’m a horrible mother, I miss you, and I try to be there and respond but sometimes with 2 young kids, working, moving, selling my house, I can’t help but get angry. I don’t vocalize it because it’s not her fault but I do get so angry and not want to see her. The entire family is feeling this way to different extents. She’s against living in facility, but I truly think she would have a better quality of life. Her partner will go out for an hour without her and she spirals.

I guess I’m just venting & looking for any advice. The doctors put her on some medications and all but the memory is the least of my problems. It’s the emotional, sometimes delusional side that I can’t handle/grasp & although I know I’m not I feel like a horrible person. I try to make sure we see her 2/3 times a week but I can not be her only source of socialization. (She refuses to go to senior center or call friends etc)

M1

Hi em and welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for advice and support. Sorry you are facing this, it’s never easy.

Two comments: first, regarding your own sanity, you may need to block her calls/texts. I hope you have a good relationship with her partner, you all may need to have a conversation about taking away her cell phone access at some point, or limiting it in some way. This is always a difficult call, but this kind of behavior raises red flags for sure. How do you know she’s safe from scammers, for example?

Which raises my other point, you and her partner probably need to have some frank conversations about her future and who has decision making capacity for her. Has power of attorney for healthcare and finances been determined? It’s absolutely best not to make promises about keeping her at home vs in memory care. But those are discussions you need to have with her partner, not with her directly. Many times assisted living or memory care is the right answer, but for many families that’s a decision that has to be made against the will of the affected loved one.

Read a lot of threads and you will learn a lot.

mabelgirl

So sorry for your anguish. I can relate as my mother is similar in that she won’t go out anymore but then complains there is nothing to do or that I don’t let her go out. She’s also on medication for her behaviors but does nothing for this. I’m moving her to an ALF soon where she’ll be forced to socialize as she’ll be in a companion room with another lady, she’ll have to walk to dining , etc.. At least that’s the hope. I have read on this site others stories where it didn’t make a difference and certainly at the ALFs I visited many of the dementia residents prefer to stay in their rooms.
I know it’s difficult when we are trying to do all we can to make our LO’s life better for them yet they can’t seem to grasp hold. It has taken a toll on me for sure so know that you are not alone. I haven’t found a way to completely rid myself of the frustration entirely. I pretty much do the same as you and remind myself she can not help it. So the move to the ALF is a last ditch effort to help her but is also releasing me for being responsible for her enjoying life. It’ll all be in her hands.

Daisie

I'm in a very similar situation, emotionally as well. It hurts that my mom remembers so much about certain things, but not that I'm her daughter. It's like she remembers things AROUND me. Intellectually, I know it's the MD, but emotionally, it jabs every time she tells me I'm adopted, we're not blood, I'm her friend, etc. I live with her; I'm here 24/7, and the constant emotional aspect of all is exhausting. Both my PCP and the psych in her office tell me it's not healthy for anyone, especially when trying to live our own lives. I think when I heard it from them, it resonated. I needed to hear it from a clinician.

There is no way you can turn off your emotions-or should you-so allow yourself to feel what you feel. You're human. Obviously, you care deeply about your mom, or you wouldn't feel at all! That's what I have to tell myself a lot. It's the part of love that hurts. If I didn't feel guilty or sad or mad, I'd be feeling nothing, and that would be even worse.