The neediness just gets me

Quilting brings calm

I saw my Mom at the AL on Monday. She was fine. Our visit ended when the activity director announced a game of Left, Right, Center.
Wednesday night Mom called and asked when I’m coming out. I said in a day or so, I was just there on Monday. Her reply- I don’t remember that. Well, of course not. This is basically a command to come visit.
So I show up Thursday. It’s one of her days where ‘I’m so confused’, and she can’t really explain what she means because she stops about five words into the sentence and begins again. I get her grocery list and I go to the store. A staff member sees me on the way out and we discuss Mom. I bring her stuff back and she’s not in her room. Later there are photos of her in activities.

I tried to call her yesterday (Friday) and she doesn’t answer- not unusual. I do an activity with my spouse today. I’m pulling in the driveway at home at 4:40pm. Mom calls. Am I coming out? No mom. Your supper is in 20 minutes and you will go to bed after that. I ask her what she is doing- she’s in the dining hall waiting for supper. She tells me that that she is terribly confused. However she goes on to give me a several minute description of what she’s done all day.

My step-dad died 5 months ago. They had a turbulent marriage for 59 years. He wasn’t a lot of help or support for her, but he was someone there. We thought she’d blossom when he passed, but instead she is declining. She never mentions him and she said she doesn’t miss him. @M1 you said it at the time- her neediness would ramp up. We’ve increased her sertraline trying to get her anxiety/ depression reduced.

I know that spouses are spending every day or every other day with their loved one in AL or MC. I know I should be grateful that she’s not worse. However I have a spouse with health and eyesight issues and we are trying to have a life while we can. We miss our younger son terribly - that loss is there forever. We have a remaining son and grandchild who live 3.5 hours away from us. We are almost to the 5th anniversary of when I moved my parents into to the AL. 35 minutes each way for me. No end in sight.

Rant over.

M1

Qbc, i have to wonder if you think she's inching towards MC? Would that make your life easier? Not having to get groceries for her for instance. Maybe not even having a phone?

ceeb

Knitting and crocheting bring calm to me. I’m in a similar situation and COMPLETELY understand the frustration. Being frustrated or choosing sometimes to say “not today” does not make you an unloving or uncaring child. You have a right to your own life. Your mom had a right to hers, remember. “Not today” is my calming reply when I know I have given what I can to my mom and just don’t have any more left to give “today.” There’s always another day after you have recharged, spent time with your family, and done some wonderfully calming quilting. You are a wonderful child to have given all you have so far.

Quilting brings calm

M1- I hinted to her about the phone a few weeks ago. I told her to let me know when she was tired of it. She talks to no one but me and my son on it. She’s had a little trouble using it for sone time - accidental calls, mutes and hang-ups. I haven’t pulled it because she’d be bugging the staff to call me. I don’t want to cause them any aggravation - the squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.

The AL nurse thinks mom is fine where she is. We discussed it when they kicked out another resident. Nurse told me that his kind of crazy was too much for them. I made a comment about mom, and the nurse said her ‘craziness’ was just fine. There’s been no hints from the staff that she needs to go, Right now they need all their residents as they have several empty apartments

Mom’s needy but still in our reality, no delusions or hallucinations. Feeds herself, usually dresses herself( unless her shoulder hurts). Handles her own depends, gets prompted for showers. Working 300 piece puzzles.

I do need to start researching for plan B though. as you mentioned, she’s inching that way. My guess is within a year. She’s 86 and on oxygen. I guess I’m hoping she might pass away before she needs MC. The financial hit gives me pause too.. She has enough money to last a little under three years in AL. MC would probably probably cut that on half.

The groceries are really things like toilet paper, air fresheners. Snacks, hearing aid batteries, etc. I have her depends delivered monthly.

I think i’m just being whiny. Just tired of adulting

M1

Not whiny. You have every right to be exhausted. Since it seems obvious that I'm losing the love of my life now and don't anticipate another, i sooo much want to not be a burden on my children. Very much want to be proactive. Time will tell i guess.

harshedbuzz

The mental load is real.

Even without dementia, although I am seeing cognitive changes around memory and word-finding, being 100% responsible for the safety and emotional well-being of my 86-year-old mother.

Her 62-year marriage was tumultuous with the final 10 years as a caregiver so I, too, expected her to live her best life in stage 8. Six years on, it's not happening. Four months after dad died, she suffered a damaged optic nerve and had to give up driving. When we moved her back north, we picked a very walkable 55+ community. She refused to consider a CCRC where transportation, activities and enrichment are baked in. She's less than a mile from a large shopping and dining center and her community pool, gym and clubhouse so she should have been able to be independent. I nagged her to join some of the ladies' exercise groups, but COVID shut all that down as she started making friends and she's not rebounded. She has kind of aged-out of being engaged by the younger residents who are closer to my age. And as the baby of a big family and wife of the-life-of-the-party kind of guy, she never really honed the friendship skills needed to have the life she wants. She has people she could call (nieces, a sister, a cousin, 2 friends) and talk to, but mostly doesn't until she gets tired of me bugging her about it.

That leaves me to fill in that space. I'm one person with a husband who is 10 years my senior with cardiac issues and an adult son with ASD I am trying to launch into an independent adulthood before I die. They're wildly indulgent of her and understanding of task with which I am charged, but it would be nice not to worry. My older niece is taking her to New England the end of this month and I haven't been this excited since my kid went to sleep-away camp.

LOL, tomorrow I have to take her for some tests. When we get there, the staff will gush over what a well-dressed, cute, feisty and independent little old lady she is, and she lap'll it all up.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

@Quilting brings calm i think sadly your mother’s endless neediness may decrease as she progresses. It is sad, but it does seem as my mom loses her cognition she is more grateful to see me and less demanding. In fact, it sometimes fills me with sadness how diminished her needs and demands have become. Key word: sometimes.

When my mother was in late stage 4/early stage 5 it was hell: endless phone calls, no memory of any visits, guilt, and like yours, very few others left in her life. Very normal to vent! I thought I would lose my job at one point, such were my mom’s demands. My friends were terribly worried about me. And that was with her in AL! I don’t have children thank god but it was all I could do to hold on.

I personally do not believe that any stage of this journey is easy. But managing a family of your own with a parent in this space seems a fright. I hate to say it, but my ex was not helpful and I am massively relieved to be divorced. And even with just my fur babies, it’s exhausting. I am glad you, M1, HB and others find some way to have any time for yourselves at all.

Quilting brings calm

@Anonymousjpl123

I understand your fears about your job. I was working when this first started. I had to take over two weeks off with no warning to get them moved back here. I had to apply for full ( and then intermittent ) FMLA leave on the fly. 15 months later, I retired. I half jokingly tell people it was because I never knew on Monday if I was going to get a full week of work in or not. There were other reasons( and I at least was 62), but my parents were a large part of it.

@harshedbuzz I often feel like many of us here have backgrounds in common. You are definitely one of those. Alcohol/drug abuse exists in my family lineage ( and my step-dad had that going on before he finally quit drinking at 55 or so).

I would also agree that over 55 communities ( and often independent living) are really for the 55-75 (ish) crowd. Mostly subdivisions/apartments with clubhouses and possibly housekeepers. Lots of activities that are too much physically or mentally for those who need a little help.

Enjoy your staycation later this month!

Quilting brings calm

@M1

I came to visit Mom this morning. She was in the activity room in her nightgown and robe at 10AM. She told me she was on her way to the front desk to ask someone where she ( meaning herself) was. This is the third time I’ve seen her in a week, plus multiple calls, and she continues to seem off cognitively and physically ( that frail look they get).

So I went to the AL nurse. Asked two questions - could she have a UTI? Even though she’s not doing her usual complaining of symptoms about one. Nurse didn’t think so. Second question then- is it time for hospice?

so the hospice intake person? Mobile receptionist? Account rep? was coming in there today, so I met with her. She’s not a nurse, so she has no idea if Mom will qualify. We’ve started the process by asking Mom’s PCP for all the appropriate forms and records.

M1

These moments of disorientation aee always disturbing. Keep us posted how the intake goes....