I'm on the autism spectrum and Mom has dementia

Jesther

So, hello, I'm new here. I've been feeling very isolated, alone, confused, frustrated. My mom is a drinker. She got a dwi in January. She's almost 75. She's almost died. She was almost 3 times the legal limit after being found in a field face down next to a church near her home in 2023. She laid there all night in the freezing rain. Luckily church goers found her the next morning as it was Sunday and called 911. I was never informed about this event as it happened. I'd been trespassed by my mother via my brother (he's golden Child and I am scapegoat). I luckily in an ironic way was homeless and needed to come get warm things from her house. She allowed me to move back in. things weren't okay for a while. She was still drinking and she'd turn aggressive angry verbally abusive emotionally abusive. And with me being on the spectrum one and having past wounds bc of her and her never acknowledging my feelings and her hurting them, we are at a very odd and difficult impass. My brother and I don't get along. He lives a few blocks s from here. He never comes by. He doesn't communicate with me even after my MANY MANY times of trying. I've told him we need to be a team a united front so we can make sure mom is safe happy and has dignity. Well she kicked me out xmas eve after a huge fight. I wasn't aware of the not arguing thing. she ended up driving very intoxicated hitting a light pole getting a dwi. So I move back in. she doesn't get drunk like that if I am here yet it seems like I'm just in her way like I am a burden on her and she doesn't even like me Being here. Course I have noticed her attitude towards me changes when my brothers does as well. He makes me angry! He is hands off until it seems to benefit him in some way. We. Don't have hot water. Her gas got shut off. AGAIN! id had it turned back on before I was kicked out. Somehow her IP address is blocked so she can not pay her gas bill like she is used to doing. He never offers to let us shower. Idk I don't know what is going on with him or his intentions and I'm upset. I need support as I really don't have anyone to turn to. I can't say anymore now. This is too much for me to handle all alone. Sorry for mistypes etc.

harshedbuzz

@Jesther

Hi and welcome. This is a difficult situation all around.

There are 2 pieces to this that need addressing. First, as a caregiver, you (I apologize in advance for using an idiom with on spectrum) "Need to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others". You need a plan for secure housing for yourself and either employment and or disability for your own future. You shouldn't be at the whim of a mother who can't/won't look out for your interests and a brother who is a bully.

Has mom been diagnosed? There are some forms of dementia that are caused by alcohol use with women being more susceptible to men. Even if she doesn't have an ARD, alcohol is a neurotoxin which can be a problem for a person whose short-term memory prevents them from recalling how many they've had.

My first thought would be to call adult protective services for an in-home wellness check. A social worker could come and determine if your situation meets the criteria for neglect or abuse. That said, if your brother has the legal authority (POA or guardianship) on one or both of you, he can probably deflect charges of neglect and even spin the WiFi and gas shut-offs as a safety measure.

HB

Jesther

Yes she is diagnosed. I know about alcohol and how it is related to dementia. I am in between a rock and a hard place. I have one niece, my brother's daughter. She is 16. I don't see her. She told me she worries less knowing I am with her gran. My brother doesn't make sure that we see her. He will pick my mom up if she's out walking which she does every day all over the place and I am nervous wreck! If she has been drinking he will shame her and he'll go off on her. Ne complaiins rhar he doesn't want to Parent his parent. We are lucky if we get to be with them this long!! He must have the ability to know where she is via her phone I would presume. Idk. My brother clains he has made APS Reports and that bc her "events" are when she has been drinking, they can't do anything??? Seems incorrect to me. I am mentally and physically disabled and have legal issues to boot. I've never felt so trapped and so abandoned in my entire life. I DON'T have it in me to not be there to help her. I have a therapist I am getting a new one. Weekly. I have no one who will support me with my mother nor me through any of this and I can't take it anymore. There are so many things I can do and need to do and I am very very depressed alone scared worried you name it. I don't know what to do!

Brother has temp POA for medical. But I was jusT informed my him he was taking her to a counselor in an angry seemingly complaining about it was as he had to add "I work every day" in there. I told him uh. You don't communicate that with me. You've made these decisions alone and u do NOT get to complain! I think he wants it his way. My mother said of that day and him that he was "appraised of the situation" and I didn't need to butt in basically. He is making her paranoia with me worse! He won't let go of our crap for the sake of her and I guess he just doesn't care about me or love me how I have cared and loved him. he claims he's "thing to get financial POA". I have no idea what is actually going on at all!