Are my feelings normal?

Sweetfire

My DH is in mid-stage 6 of Alzheimer's disease. We've had a wonderful 22-year marriage. My emotions and attitudes towards him these days are all over the place. When he is ornery, refuses to take a bath or swallow his pills/eat his meals, accuses me of controlling his life, twists my wrist because he is mad at me (only happened once), is negative and says everything is crap and the like, I am frustrated and angry and wish he was living somewhere else. When he is loving, kind, apologetic, positive, and humorous (the man I married), I am deeply upset that he will one day not be with me. Are these ever-changing feelings normal?

I feel guilty about getting so frustrated with him that I don't want him around. We have a deep love for one another, so this is very painful. Little by little, I am getting better at handling his contentious and quarrelsome responses. The discussions on this website have helped me learn better ways to respond to him, for which I am grateful.

trottingalong

I believe all of us go through similar if not exact emotions you described. Some vary depending on the stage our LO is in. We miss the person they were, and don’t always like the person they have become (at times). The roller coaster ride of emotions.

White Crane

Hi, Sweetfire, I can relate to what you are saying and feeling and I think your feelings are normal under the circumstances. My DH is now in MC but even now I have a mixed bag of feelings when I visit him. He can't help the way he behaves. It's the disease and that is what I hate…Alzheimer's. Please be gentle with yourself and know that this is a safe place to share your feelings and talk about whatever you need to talk about. We all understand. Hugs.

Anna2022

You described my very own emotional roller coaster! YES, your feelings are normal!

When my DH is good, he is very good. When DH is angry, irritable, negative, obstinate, argumentative, apathetic, critical, etc., I try to remember it's the disease speaking, not him. That said, yesterday when he yelled at me for reminding him to take his evening meds and said, "it's not your problem!!" I got to thinking that maybe it's NOT my problem. Maybe I should just let him forget and we'll see where that takes us. Seriously, sometime it's hard to discern whether my internal dialogue is appropriate or inappropriate. I usually take a break at that time and sanity returns shortly.

Hang in there, Sweetfire!

SDianeL

Yes, it's normal. You are angry at the disease that is causing his behavior. You are not angry at him. The more you can tell yourself that the more you will not get upset at his behaviors. I would even tell myself that I was his caregiver and no longer his wife. Strange as that may seem it helped me not react negatively when he said something or did something. I hated the new role but knew I had no choice. I had planned on keeping him home and caring for him as long as I was physically able but unfortunately I was diagnosed with cancer in December and had to place him in Memory Care immediately so I could get treatment. He had no other family members who could care for him. Now I miss him so much it hurts. He can no longer carry on any conversations when I visit him. I hate this heartbreaking disease!! Take care of yourself.

Shelly / Texas

Sweetfire - I understand how frustrating it is to have your once respectful spouse become irritable and negative. After a lifetime of mutual respect, I still have a hard time with being blamed for just about everything and having to be called the bad guy when all I am doing to taking care of him. He has now been on Prozac for about 9 months and it has helped tremendously. Sure, he still resists shower day and has negative moments, but it helped with his day to day attitude. Please mention the behavior to his doctor and maybe there will be a solution. I've always been a person who took zero BS from anyone, so having my own spouse be disrespectful was a hard pill to swallow, but I've learned it is often a part of this painful journey. Stay strong, lean on others, and take care of yourself!

AnderK

The Rollercoaster is certainly real for me. I, too, have had the talk with myself about the fact that I am an unpaid maid, and caretaker, no longer a partner. If I am not too tired, which is seldom, I can cope with the slurs. And I have to admit that the "ITS NOT THE MAN, ITS THE DISEASE" argument is losing its power.

One of the best things about this forum is that you learn quickly that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, and that does help alot. Kathy

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70156/are-my-feelings-normal

You are absolutely normal. One minute I want to run away and the next I am in total sadness.