Not sure I did the right thing

Daisie

My mom was having an awful delusional episode today. No sense of time or place. She didn't know the month or year, let alone the day or season. At one point, she said, "I'm not me anymore, and you're not you" to me. She was waiting for her mom to come home (dead for more than 60 years), my dad to come home (dead for 16), and to call her dad (dead 50 years ago). She hid her purse and debit card so the "crazy neighbors won't get it!" But it was hidden so well that she started accusing me of taking it, and I'm not who I say I am, and only bad things happen when I'm around

I lied to get her to go to the ER with me, having her think I was the one who was ill. She didn't put up too much of a fuss with them, just me, but nothing I couldn't handle. I convinced the doctor to keep her overnight, stating I couldn't take her because I couldn't keep her safe anymore." They gave her a Xanax or Benzo or something, and she calmed way down and stopped yelling at me that I was evil and that bad things would happen to me, and she turned it into wondering if I was okay and apologizing for exhausting me. By that time, they had moved her into her private room, and her BP was 190/100 and temp 95.7. They seemed more concerned at that point, and I left.

They told me they would send a social worker over to the hospital tomorrow to talk about the next steps and that maybe she could expedite the Medicaid process (but probably not). I'm having this HUGE emotional meltdown and wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to bring her back home as her caregiver; I want her to live someplace else so I can be her daughter and she can have some sort of a social life or engagement besides me. But then I think that maybe if they just gave her some meds to calm her down, she could come home. But then I'll have no life again and will just be postponing the inevitable. Maybe this is the way to to and not prolong things anymore. I cleaned her room when I got home and found that her incontinence was way worse than we expected and that she hoards things like TP and sanitary pads all over, including in between her mattresses, where I also found her purse, which had been missing.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing. It just hurts me so much. I've never been in emotional pain like this.

H1235

I had planed to post a rant about what a horrible visit I had with my mom at AL yesterday. Your post puts things into perspective for me. I visit mom once a week and call daily and I’m having problems with the her anger and resentment towards me. I can’t even wrap my head around what you must be going through. For what it’s worth I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck.

psg712

Short-term meds for her anxiety are exactly that - a short-term solution to the agitation. Can you stress to the hospital social worker that she is not safe at home? Give them lots of examples.

I know that pain. I've been through it with my mom before placement and also with mentally ill family members. Trying to work within a health care system that is better designed for physical illness rather than mental health or cognitive dysfunction is tough. Stick to your guns, for your mom's best interest and for your own sanity. Hugs for you. It's a lonely battle but you are not truly alone.

Daisie

I feel like I'm making her symptoms WORSE by what I chose to do. She's really spiraling in the hospital. Someone taught her how to use the phone, so she was calling me, begging me to come home. They didn't release her today because the plan is to maybe release her tomorrow if they can find a place for her. If not, I guess she will come back here with homecare if she'll allow it.

I just feel so much heartbreak and pain right now. It's also a buildup from holding it all in. I'm still questioning if I did the right thing. I don't have much family, and she's all I have. I hate this.

housefinch

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I would really urge them to admit her to geriatric psychiatry if possible because otherwise she may be difficult to place, or may get asked to leave a memory care facility soon after placement because of her behavior. Maybe @M1 or someone else with experience can comment.

M1

I agree with housefinch. You need to tell them, over and over and over, that you cannot safely care for her at home. Period. No matter what they say, keep repeating that. All persons with dementia spiral in the hospital, that is not your doing. Actually the more agitated and out of it she is, the better argument to be made for having her admitted to a geriatric psych ward. It's not ideal, but it's the way our system is set up right now. You just need to keep insisting that you are not prepared to care for her at home. Over, and over, and over again. No other response to any question. If they ask, "How are you today?" you say, "I'm overwhelmed and I cannot care for her at home."

M1

PS: speak to the nurse this evening and have them take the phone away. The staff will call you if there's a problem.

psg712

You aren't making her worse. You have brought her to the hospital in order to get help for her and for you. Yes, her confusion will worsen there temporarily, but that is not your fault. It's the disease rearing its ugly head.

i agree with disappearing the phone. It isn't helping either of you. Hang in there and don't back down or you'll be right back where you started. I know it hurts but you are doing this for her long term benefit.

Kat12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70182/not-sure-i-did-the-right-thing

This is my first time making a comment & not sure if I'm doing it correctly, but here goes.

I've been caring for my Mom for many years and we are now in the late/severe stage so her needs are now (mostly) all ADL's & she's content. We experienced some of the things you wrote about. It is SO HARD! The psychiatric symptoms (psychosis) were intense and there were a few times I thought we would need to call 911. Her MD referred her to a geriatric psychiatrist who was amazing & helped me keep her out of the hospital. Things stablized with medication. Geriatric Psychiatrists are hard to find in some areas though. I'm in "Silicon Valley" (large metro area), & to my knowledge we don't have "geriatric psychiatry hospitals." Every situation is different so I wouldn't say one way or another if you did the right thing & there are no experts here so take care keep that in mind. But DO find the experts and they will guide you. Good Social Workers & Geriatric — if you can find or General if not. Be as informed as you can so you are abke ti make the best decisions for your Mom. If someone were to tell me then what my Mom would be like now I would hardly have believed that it would get better — but it did!