Pros and cons of living with parent

GAcaretaker

My mom is 83 and has dementia and Alzheimer’s. She had a fall in late November of 2023. I have been living with her since then.

i am the last of her immediate family and live roughly 60 miles away. My husband and daughter are still there. I don’t get to see them very often.

Right now I am her sole financial/household/yard maintenance,etc. ( I did got someone to look after her personal finances- IRA’s etc.)

Since assisted living is SO expensive, and we don’t want her to run out of money, we are thinking of moving into her house.

Can we start a discussion on the pros and cons of doing this? I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, and would love to hear some thoughts of suggestions on this.

Thanks for reading this.

Quilting brings calm

You have already moved there. It’s just a question of whether your husband( and daughter depending on age) are coming. It’s also a question of who is moving- them to you or you and your mom to them. I’m sure you’ve got your reasons for why they would move to you instead of vice versa.

There are people on this forum who have done what you are suggesting. Me personally, having my parents in my home wasn’t something I was willing to do. Nor would I move in with them. But I’m not a good candidate for 24/7 caregiver.

SDianeL

Things to consider: what Stage is she in? Does she require 24/7 care? Are you willing & able to care for her when she becomes bedridden, incontinent & you have to lift her out of bed & give her baths? Look up Stage 7 and see if you are willing & able to do those things. You already know the pros & cons of moving. It's disruptive & hard work. Does she want you & your family there? Is the house in her name? Does she have a will? Are you the DPOA? Will other family members question why you are living there? What will happen when she passes? Will you move again or inherit the home or buy it from the estate? I moved in with my daughter after my husband's diagnosis & my cancer diagnosis & I wish I had my own place. I love my daughter & son-in-law dearly but I feel like a guest. (my problem). Hope these questions help you make the right decision for you & your family.

harshedbuzz

It's doable. But there are a lot of questions to consider.

Do you want to do this? Are you doing it because you believe as last-man-standing that you have to or would you happily cede the responsibility if you had a sibling or aunt willing to take it on?

Do you have the legal standing to make decisions for her? POA or guardianship? Are you the sole heir of her estate? Have you talked to a CELA to discuss Medicaid as a safety net should she outlive her funds? Who is minding the investments?

How old are the players here? Are you young and healthy enough to manage the "heavy lifting" aspects of hands-on caregiving on little sleep? Is your DH retired or in a remote position that this doesn't overly burden him? Is your DD old enough to be out of school and potentially able to make a decision to move with you or make other living arrangements? Do either of them want to live with your mom?

In what stage is mom? PWD can live a long time. This isn't like some conditions where the timeline is measured in months. I've heard 8 years suggested as an average post-diagnosis life expectancy.

Why would you uproot 3 people from their home rather than one? Is mom's home more desirable? Was it part of your plan to move into mom's home when she passes? Most people who take in a parent, move them into their own home. My friend who cared for her mom until the end, had a custom home built to accommodate caregiving and give mom her own suite of rooms.

HB

H1235

Anger and aggression can be a part of dementia, it doesn’t happen with everyone. It’s one thing to cook, clean, care for a lo with dementia, but will you be able to handle the emotional toll of constant criticism and anger? Will your daughter and husband? The number one rule of dementia is don’t argue with them. Are you ready to be wrong all the time? Do you have a backup plan if this doesn’t work? How will this affect your relationship with your daughter? Will you miss big event’s in her life because mom can’t be left alone? What about your relationship with your husband? Have you looked into Medicaid and talked with a lawyer. If you and your family live in her house what will you do with all your personal things(nick nacks). Will you and your family be comfortable living in a house that is not setup or decorated by you. Even if your mom is ok with this arrangement now, she might change her mind.