Feeling Such Incredible Heartache and Pain

Daisie

Well, my mom has been in the hospital for three days now. Each day, she gets more delusional and starts hallucinating. I feel so so so guilty. I feel like I made it all worse, and could I have just tried harder to be patient and less selfish about my time? But no, I couldn't, and I know that.

I think I've found a facility to take her and help expedite the Medicaid process. I worry my mom won't stabilize there and learn to accept her new home. She's being pretty cutting towards me which isn't helping how I feel, but I get it. I'm the person she's going to lash out at BECAUSE I am her person. She thinks that I've ditched her to spend time with my friends and go out "gallivanting," as she puts it. Number one, I'm a homebody, number two, my friends have families and challenges of their own, and number. three, I'm working during that time, trying to keep us/me in house and home. One nurse is awful and thinks I should be there all the time to keep my mom calm. No one seems to want to hear that I am only one person and can't do it all anymore. My friends noticed I'm at my breaking point. I look awful and feel like a rubber band stretched and ready to snap.

I worry that there's no chance to get my mom back even a little bit. She was my best friend (aside from my friends), and I miss spending time with her doing stupid little things that made us close and happy. I miss my mommie.

M1

Hang in there and ignore the naysayers. The more delusional she is the more they can see that you truly cannot care for her at home- that's your mantra, remember? You both needed this to happen. And ignore anything she says, it's the disease talking.

harshedbuzz

Hospital delirium is real. Even without dementia, older people can come off the rails in the hospital. I have a dear friend's husband (no dementia) call the police and report his wife subjecting him to financial abuse. He was a municipal judge, so they took it seriously initially until his nurse got on the line. My friend was so upset by this because she didn't understand it.

While it would be ideal if you could be at mom's bedside 24/7, that's not how the real-world works. The nurse's job would be easier maybe? Or you could be a trigger upsetting mom worse than she would be if you weren't there.

HB

psg712

Oh boy. Let me apologize for that nurse. I am a nurse, and I understand far too well how easily we make judgments on families based on the sliver of exposure we have to a patient's struggles. Would this nurse be able to drop her work for an indefinite period of time to stay 24/7 with an ill family member? Even if the answer is yes, she is not you and her situation is not yours. Stay the course. You are doing what is best for your mom. She can't understand it any more than a raging toddler can agree that she needs to have a nap.

psg712

And of course you miss your mom. It's an awful experience to lose her when she's right in front of you. Hugs.

SusanB-dil

You are doing everything you can! Hang in there! ((hugs))

My mom and daughter - both nurses. You'll get that 'one' in a hundred that needs a better bedside manner. Sorry you are dealing with that 'one'. Agree - I doubt she would be able to be by a bedside 24/7.

You be careful and take care of yourself, please. and stand your ground that you are one person and can only do so much.

And yes - I have no doubt you miss mom. My mom, although we were never close, thinks I'm her sister, and now even that is diminishing as to who I am at all.

housefinch

Is that a psychiatric nurse? I’m guessing your mom is being cared for on a regular adult inpatient ward that’s not a locked geriatric psychiatric ward? That nurse is clueless and thinks a family member being present 24/7 as your mom’s 1:1 sitter is an appropriate psychiatric management plan. Forgive my frustration at reading that. I’m very sorry you’re enduring that treatment on top of the severe stress and grief you already have. Sending you hugs. —-an MD

Daisie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218657#Comment_218657

Yes, it's the regular adult inpatient ward, non-psychiatric. They actually have a "sitter" with my mom now because she tries to leave at night. I visit her a couple of times a day (I live within walking distance), but the whole time I'm with her, I'm not always sure she knows it's me (today, she clearly didn't). I stay for about an hour and leave. The whole time, she's talking a conscious stream of thought that's all delusions, hallucinations, and confabulations. She talks very quietly. It's so painful and difficult for me. I'm trying to soldier through because it's not all about me. She was bad when I brought her to the ER earlier this way, but leaps and bounds worse since being an inpatient.

The NP assigned to my mom said that after I leave they notice my mom is calmer. I'm glad that I'm apparently having some effect. They started giving her Zyprexa in the afternoon, and it's not enough, so they're going to add Seroquel at night to stabilize her before the MCF takes her. She'll probably be in the hospital for about 12 days total when all is said and done. What concerns me is that when she sees me, she thinks we're leaving, and what I see is more confusion. I don't know. It's such a nasty disease!