How to tell them about a death?

MarDel0917

I found out ths morning that my bf (45 eoa) his cousin was in an accident and passed away. We have a commitment ceremony happening in 2 weeks. His mom decided to not tell him about his cousin because she wants him to focus on the ceremony and we will tell him after. We don't know what state that may put him in as this is his FAVORITE cousin. I am crushed and am trying to think of the best way when the time comes to break the news to him.

We are all in this together 💜

Jeanne C.

I'm not sure where your boyfriend is in disease progression, but is there a reason to tell him? Last year my husband's sister told him about his cousin passing. It sent him into an anxiety attack that landed him in the hospital. There was no need to tell him. He didn't see this cousin or speak to him regularly. When my husband's friend passed last month, I didn't mention it at all.

MarDel0917

This is true. However given that he grew up in a small community where everybody knows everybody I'm afraid the barber he goes to may say something. Or the people at the small grocery store in town there. His mom still lives inthe town and he visits once to twice a week. I feel it will be inevitable to keep this information from him. Also I have been keeping his phone from him so he doesn't stumble upon a fb post.

sandwichone123

My spouse's parents are elderly and in poor health, and I dread the time I will need to make this decision or allow another family member to tell him. It is not clear to me how well he will understand, but I am very concerned that he will feel the need to go. Not necessarily that he'll know where, but that he will feel that restlessness of having to go somewhere to deal with it.

harshedbuzz

@MarDel0917

Oof. This is a difficult one.

Two things to consider are 1) are the family-at-large aware of his dementia and 2) do they understand what that means in terms of behavior?

However close your DBF was to this cousin, there may be more principal mourners whose feelings have to be considered especially as this was not an expected death with ample time to process raw feelings.

I have seen this go badly twice.

My mom insisted on taking dad to the viewing of a man who'd been his younger brother's life long best friend against my better judgement. Dad knew the man since he was 8 and saw him a few times a year when they golfed so they operated in the same social circle. Had dad not had dementia, it would have been perfectly appropriate for him to come pay his respects. Dad kind of forgot what he was there for and behaved as if he was at a party which upset both his brother, nieces (who adored this man) and worse, the widow. And mom had a difficult time getting him to leave.

My ex-BIL's mother with stage 5-6 dementia attended her husband's services. These were elderly folks; dad died from CHF so the family had time to decide who they wanted to handle the services. The 6 children wanted her there and took turns at her side during the visitation. She, too, forgot why she was there but her kids understood. TBH, I have never seen anyone have a better time at a funeral— she was surrounded by friends and family and delighted to see everyone. The daughters who had the least involvement with her care would take her up to the open casket to remind her why she was there. This didn't seem to distress her as it might someone without dementia and seemed to upset some.

If you go, I would have an exit plan at the ready.

HB

MN Chickadee

We had my mother with Alz at the memorial service for her brother when she was stage 5. It was a small gathering, but still completely overwhelmed her. By the end of it when people were saying sorry for the loss of Sam she had completely forgotten and would say what are you talking about? Sam is fine. It got real awkward. After that we never told her again he had passed and she lived the rest of her days believing he was alive. I would have exit strategies if you take him to the service. Often we advise here to tell the PWD once about a tragedy and see how they react. If they forget, it isn't fair to keep telling them over and over and having them grieve like it's a fresh wound every time. Sounds like you may have to tell him before he heads out around town, unless his disease progression is such that he wouldn't remember you telling him anyway. You will have to see how things go in terms of him hearing it around town. Maybe he won't understand or internalize it. It's all hard, I know.

MarDel0917

Thank you everyone. I never thought of having an exit strategy. He will understand completely what is going on. I know if I tell him he will be devastated. I will play it by ear. I have been trying to keep his phone from him so he doesn't go on fb. He wanted to get a hair cut today but i didn't take him in fear his Baber would say something. This sucks so bad