She Wants to Help

Karl38

From what I read my wife is in Alzheimer's Stage 4. She is in good health and wants to help with everything. Problem is, she doesn't know how to do anything.

Worst time is in the kitchen while I'm preparing dinner. She is everywhere, asking what she can do. It's driving me nuts. It would be so much easier if she would go away and wait for dinner to be ready.

Sorry to rant. Do others have this problem?

dancsfo

I think this is a common problem, and the attempted "help", if allowed, can cause problems, like shaking way too much salt into soup, repeatedly, for example. Or burning things badly. But I think it's apparent that "she doesn't know how to do anything", so that's the crux of the problem.

Can. you try redirect or distract, such as to get your DW to do something benign and easy, but may seem to a PWD as helpful, such as to fold a stack of paper napkins? You can ask again a day later, and the past session is probably forgotten, so can be repeated.

What drives me nuts is an attempt at "pretend cooking". While not looking, PWD will break a few raw eggs into a bowl, and declare that as prep for dinner.

annie51

I can relate! My DH is the same way and it’s a little worse now that he can’t really entertain himself. He always wants to help and I understand what you mean when you say it’s so much easier to do it yourself. But over time, I’ve tried harder to find simple things he can do (like peeling carrots, stirring) and if there isn’t anything, I just say thanks for offering but I think I’m ok. I’ll let you know when you can help. That’s been working for me. Or I start a movie around 5 hoping he’ll get involved in that while I get dinner going.

He wants to help unload the dishwasher but doesn’t know where anything goes so it’s really no help, but in his mind, he probably thinks it is. I try to remember to thank him for “helping”.

The shadowing we experience is quite unnerving and it’s been a big adjustment as the years go by.

Bailey's Mom

The shadowing is so hard…DH has always done it to some degree…we've been married for 56 yrs…but now I can't do anything alone or really get anything meaningful done. I think after awhile it starts to drive one crazy?

Kevcoy

For years I have done all the cooking myself and have always enjoyed the "me time". Like many of you the shadowing is constant and can be irratating. I've conditioned myself to just like the fact he wants to help so have done little things like have him stir the soup, fold the dish towels and take the napkins, silverware and ice tea to the table. I've put the irratating factor on the back burner so to speak and have just come to enjoy what time we have left.

Joe C.

I would try to let DW “help” with peeling or chopping vegetables when I was cooking. Fortunately after a couple of minutes she would get tired of doing whatever activity and would just walk away then I would finish up.

FredW

Yep, you are not alone.

My DW use to do everything in the kitchen, but now it is my domain. She can’t follow a receipt, can’t stay on task, and forgets where things are. I give her simple tasks, one at a time, and watch her do it. It’s more work, but better than dealing with the aftermath of telling her to sit down on the other side of the counter. It is good to engage her to help where she can.

At stage 4, she should be active and not totally helpless. A PIA maybe, but not helpless.

Good luck. I drink a glass of patience just before I start dinner. It helps .

Windsock

Good morning. It was always a joke around our house that DW hated to cook. So I just start joking about that and emphasize how much I enjoy cooking now that I’m retired. I got an Instant Pot that she has no idea on how it works so I’m easily in charge with that and tell her that my favorite thing is chopping veggies and I’m not going to share. She gets a kick out of that and leaves me to cooking, usually….. Like others I have her get plates, napkins etc. Also like others, I just want to be alone with my food prep and enjoy the time but not always possible………Oy Vey!
We eat out way too much…….Because she really enjoys it now and some day it won’t be so enjoyable.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70235/she-wants-to-help

Everyone needs to feel needed. Find something she can do in the kitchen. Have her fetch things for you or measure ingredients and have her add them.

FTDCaregiver1

For sure I can relate, in her earlier stages, DW wanted to help. She suffered from extreme anxiety, so for me, I used this more of a redirection technique and darned if it didn't work for her too to lesson her anxiety. I would give her a rag and tell her to dust, push a mop (didn't have any cleaner/water) but the object was to reduce her anxiety and give her some pleasure and not to get a chore done. When she got loud, yelling I'd switch in to "can you help me?" mode, it often worked…. she'd stop, look and follow me where I'd get her a mop or other distraction, guess I was making lemonade from lemons…🙃

LaneyG

DH always wants to help. So in advance I think of the meal plan and think of a couple of things he can do.

He feels so sad and gets upset when I won’t let him do anything. However I found that after a few minutes he loses interest or ability to focus and off he goes.

Stan2

Believe me I know how difficult it is but you need to demonstrate the same patience you would when you are teaching a three year old child. The difference being that the child will eventually learn and your LO will not. I try to respond to every request with a smile and friendly willingness to help. Anytime she can perceive anxiety or impatience from me she will get upset and withdraw. It's hard, it's really hard, but one day she'll stop asking to help and for help, and I will be so sad.

DrNani

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70235/she-wants-to-help

Ditto.And then some, unfolding all the clothes. Throwing my shies away because they dont fit her. The bathroom, is also a big one. If she is fidgety, I am really in trouble. I just ordered a fidget blanket, but, as my DW doesn’t tie her shoes or zip or button I don’t know what she will do with the toy. If you find a distraction for her, maybe? I had to ag e meals and wheels start coming for both of us.

rplourde50

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70235/she-wants-to-help

I am going through similar now, my compadre. Don’t know the best way to handle. Makes her feel bad when I say there’s nothing else she can work on.