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Merla

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psg712

Do you think that she is safe to travel alone? Would she be an easy mark for someone to scam or steal from? Could she navigate getting to an airport, through security, to the correct flight, retrieving her luggage, and ground transportation at her destination? How would she handle unexpected delays, flight cancelation for weather, being bumped to a later flight? Would she know how to get help if she were lost or confused?

If she has her heart set on visiting her parents for the holiday but can't navigate the travel alone, could you or another family member accompany her?

Quilting brings calm

Merla- you have previously discussed the fact that your mom shouldn’t be living alone, and that you are looking for an appropriate facility. You’ve mentioned that she’s in stage 4, easily confused and has missed flights before as a result. Stage 4 people should not be traveling alone. They can’t fend off scammers for one thing.

If she no longer has the executive function required to purchase a ticket, she should not be going alone. The fact that she can’t seem to get started is what will save you from dealing with some unfortunate situations. Maybe she won’t buy the gift cards that done scammer wants her to buy- maybe she won’t day trade money away and so forth.

The books recommended in the new caregiver group may discuss this better than me.

SusanB-dil

I would say she doesn't need to be the one to decide on a care facility. You check them out and decide, and if she is agreeable to the whole idea (most are NOT), then you could share pictures prior to just moving her in.

Most of our LO are definitely not inclined to accept placement. (My mom is a rare exception and doesn't have anosognosia.) When we need to place MIL, DH and I will do the legwork, at which point we will most likely tell her 'this is temporary while the house is being repaired'.

terei

She does not need to tour the facilities. Look at what is available + make a decision. It should not be difficult to tell her ‘this is the best available’ , and then move her to your area + into the one you have chosen.

If she cannot make travel arrangements, I would not bring the subject up. When she says she is going somewhere, I would just respond ‘oh, that’s nice’ and drop it

M1

Agree Merla. If you want her to see facilities, you're going to have to go get her and escort her. But I would do as terei suggested and just pick one yourself.

people with dementia are frequently all talk and no action. My partner was always telling people she was going to move back to Texas. Once she even managed to call a childhood neighbor in her home town and told her she was coming. Even though I was sitting in the next room, she told her friend that i had left her and she had someone else staying with her. That prompted some panicked phone calls, let me tell you.

San Rafael

I just want to point out that your in-laws from another country are not the only people in the world that can look after your kids. You may disagree at first, but in reality There are other options that you can & should consider. Give it some thought. Thinking creatively is an important & useful skill when dealing with any Alzheimer's situation. That's been my experience so far. I hope my 2 cents helps.

M1

Merla I completely understand the desire to stay on your mom's good side, but: to be honest, you're going to have to get over that and have a thicker skin. She's going to get quickly to the stage (if not already there) of not being able to appreciate that you are acting in her best interest. What's your plan if she rejects all your options and refuses to commit? This happens more frequently than not.

H1235

My mom is a very independent person, but she is no longer capable of being independent. If I don’t do things for her those things will not happen. She is unaware if this because of the anosognosia. So she is almost constantly mad at me for doing things for her because she wants to do it herself(but she can’t). There have been a few blow ups, and I hate conflict with a passion. I also found that even when she was capable of doing something she had no sense of urgency or time and it would just never get done. She always accuses me of being pushy (because things need to be done in a timely way). She is in AL now and it did not happen easily. It’s all very difficult and at best awkward, but she is safe and her finances are safe. It’s just something I have to endure for her. There needs to be a total shift in the way you view your relationship with her. You are now the one that needs to take care of her! It’s hard to get use to this different way of thinking. I hope you can find the strength you need to get her settled and safe.

Quilting brings calm

I’m afraid your spouse is going to have to step up for your kids and you will need to have an easily acted upon plan B for when he can’t be with them. Caring for a person with dementia ( even when they are in a facility) comes with a lot of unexpected visits and emergencies. Midnight ER visits, UTI doctor appointments, facility issues etc. it is very much like having an extra child. So depending upon your absent in-laws can’t be your only option when you are needed by mom.

Just like your children, your mom can’t be allowed to make all the decisions. That’s not in her best interest. You have to be able to stand up to her. Or you have to wait for the inevitable crisis and ask that a third party guardian be appointed. There will be a lot of heartbreak before and after a guardian is appointed if you go that route.

I think that you haven’t fully realized your mom’s actual condition. That’s common in long distance. I certainly didn’t realize my mom’s until we were forced to move my parents back to our location on an emergency basis, along with a two bedroom apartment of furniture and belongings.

The weeks and months before and after you move her and get her settled will require a lot of your time. It’s not just go get her, have a short layover, bring her back and ta-da she doesn’t need much of your time. Does that mean your new kindergartner loses time with you? Yes it does. It’s sad, annoying, causes resentment for everyone. It’s a mess, yes, it is. We all wish it didn’t have to be that way.

harshedbuzz

@Merla said:

For me the issue is That her personality is the type that never wants to be imposed upon ie have someone make decisions for her. She always wants to be in charge of her own life and the tiniest of requests is viewed as an imposition and met with resistance. So I'm afraid of her getting mad at me if I am too bossy.

Her safely is job one. That is more important than anything.

She will be angry. Justifiably so. Hell, I would be angry if someone took over my life, too, if I had anosognosia and thought I was capable of making my own decisions. But the thing is, there is no way that you can take the steps you need to take to ensure her safety without pissing her off. You can't reason her into agreeing. You can't offer her some small control over a decision as you would a petulant toddler (The red cup or the blue one?) to mitigate her anger. She is going to get angry. She will likely subject you to all manner of scathing insults. This will happen whether you wring yourself out and lose sleep trying to accommodate the woman she used to be or whether you make all the decisions for her.

Hopefully, she calms down with time and dementia-informed care. My dad was very like your mom. Not only did he want to remain master of his own fate, he actively took steps to make assuming his care more difficult and costly. Not only was he driven to be the boss, he was a misogynist which made having his life dictated by a woman a major trigger. But he did eventually calm down with time and disease progression. Ironically, the more overtly I took charge of the situation, the more he was able to let down his guard a bit. I suspect he had some sense of things being harder for him which caused significant anxiety.

besides this, I have zero experience doing anything for my mom besides being a host if she visits. She is private and independent and doesn't involve people in her life. So it's all very awkward to me. I waiting for a blow up if I cross some line or some accusation of malintent

That's all past tense now. That's not who she is anymore. Honestly, my parents were not just private, they were sneaky and secretive. I found getting all up in their business excruciatingly uncomfortable. I'm better about it now than I was, but it is not my nature to boss people around.

I've been touring facilities and will just present the best option or just acceptable options. My issue is when I need her to do something or committment to something.

You really don't. She isn't going to be happy with any of them. She isn't going to happy with you. But that doesn't change the need for her to be safe. You aren't going to be able to convince her. She likely doesn't have a sense of how impaired she is because of anosognosia. She doesn't have the reasoning skills or executive function to make a sensible choice. And if you somehow managed to coerce her into agreeing on a place, her poor long-term memory probably wouldn't remember agreeing.

I had one failed visit attempt where I tried to visit and she essentially avoided me and was mad and I had to stay in a hotel. I just don't have the bandwidth for any long drawn out drama or the financial means at the moment. I will need to have my in-laws from another country come and stay with my kids in order for me to fetch my mom to get on a flight. So this is a big ask and also not something I can do twice. I know that this is a crisis and investment in the future but it's hard because it's coming at a time of my life where getting through my own life is challenging

Have her sister bring her. Create a fiblet— they're going on vacation together or both coming for a visit. You could even drive her straight to the MCF from the airport and introduce it as a hotel to give her privacy while she's in town.

Unfortunately, there's never a convenient time for the wheels to fall of a parent's bus.

HB

psg712

It is incredibly hard at this stage. My mom was independent and private and in charge ... until she wasn't. I got some concerned phone calls from long distance relatives and even her neighbors, whom she told that she was being forced to leave her home against her will. These caring folks had NO clue that she was falling prey to scammers, flooding her basement, leaving the stove on ... etc. She was really good at keeping her daily struggles private. I didn't see it either until I spent a week in her home, got nosy in her business and uncovered the issues.

Mom also had a very difficult time making decisions, even simple ones. So when it came to finding a facility for her, I had to do it myself and then go get her and move her. She wasn't happy, but she adjusted. Within months, she no longer even spoke of her old home - though that will vary by individual, stage and speed of progression. Sadly, the farther along the disease gets, the easier it is to handle those decisions for her. She doesn't understand or care about the details anymore.