Repetitive questions - early stages of dementia

Fuzzysocks123

Hi all,

I’m new here. My MIL moved in with my husband, myself and our 5 children back in January. She was living in her van after selling her home. She has 2 other children that were aware of the living situation and lived close by but refused to help. We came from 3 hours away to get her and bring her back to live with us. It was clear to both of my husband and I that she was in clear cognitive decline. Fast forward to today, we’ve taken her to see a neurologist and she’s had an MRI and pet scan done and it shows cognitive impairment but we won’t have a full diagnosis until the 27th meet again with her neurologist. So in the meantime, I wanted to ask you all how you deal with on certain topics. She has an iPhone and she obsesses over the phone. It’s almost never leaves her hands and she just messes with settings. So recently she must’ve placed a passcode on the phone because she has locked herself out of the phone for 7 hours. She showed me the phone and says look what it says I don’t know how to fix it. I explained to her that whatever passcode she put on it, she’s punching in wrong and it locked her out of the phone. I further explained that she will have to wait the full 7 hours before we can attempt to “fix” anything. I told her to just leave the phone on the charger and let it be. She comes back with the phone like 10 mins later and it’s the same thing. I explained the same thing to her again. She agrees puts the phone back in her room and leaves it alone. An hour goes by and the same thing again. I explain yet again. This time she’s on the verge of tears as if I yelled at her (I didn’t, nor did i raise my voice). She apologized for bothering me etc. I just simply explain the situation again and that was it. So I’m at a loss of what to do with this. How do you all handle the constant barrage of the same questions over and over again? The phone thing was just one example. She will ask me things about her laundry over and over again or she’ll want to have the same conversation about the weather over and over again. I feel bad saying this but it’s to the point where I try to avoid the conversation entirely. I’m just at a loss and honestly really nervous that if this is the beginning and I can’t handle it how much more can I handle?

M1

Welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place for advice and support.

The phone situation is only likely to get worse, and she is likely not safe to have a smartphone with internet access where scammers can get to her. I would suggest you take it from her and tell her you'll take it to the Apple store (or mail it off) to get it fixed. That will at least buy you some time to decide whether she should have a phone at all, and if you feel like she needs a phone perhaps you can get her a simple flip phone or a jitterbug designed for seniors.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately. If you look to the right under Quick Links and Groups, there is one for new caregivers with a lot of useful information including a link to a short pamphlet called Understanding the dementia experience. There's also a book worth reading called The 36 hour day.

Does one of you hold her powers of attorney for healthcare and finances? You'll need it, so if you haven't addressed this already it's the first thing you should do (find a certified elder law attorney). You may want to investigate how to qualify her for Medicaid also in case she needs memory care in the future.

If you read a lot of threads here you will learn a lot. There is no way to stop the repetitive questions, unfortunately. You'll learn to tune them out.

Iris L.

How old are the children? Although children can be very caring towards a frail grandparent, they can become frustrated by living with an older adult who needs as much or even more caregiving than they need. Your PWD needs constant attention. Also your MIL will be more confused by the constant activity that young people bring. I think you should immediately begin making plans for long term care. There are many options. Please read the newcomer material and keep posting.

Iris

Jgirl57

welcome fuzzysocks 123!

I imagine your days are quite busy with a full household. If your MIL has any funds after the sale of the house , perhaps you could hire someone to take her out 2-3 days a week for a few hours or to an adult day care /senior center. I agree with M1 the phone needs to disappear and perhaps a simple one given if you think she really needs one. Seeing the phone triggers her to pick it up and mess with it. We go with “out of sight out of mind these days. “ When you respond to repeated questions just keep your response simple with as few words as possible . Glad you found this group

Lucy C

It's really, really hard to get used to the repetition. It's exhausting, and you get very economical with words. Eventually, you learn how to condense things into the simplest, easiest phrases that will satisfy the person asking the questions. You give up on complete explanations, and just go for the most basic (if not totally accurate) response. But it is exhausting, and recharge time becomes completely essential, even if it's just to hire a caregiver a few shifts a week, or take her to daycare.

You're right that the situation won't be sustainable. It never is. A lot of the stress comes from trying to decide when is the time for memory care, and when do we change things. Meanwhile, as others have suggested, remove the phone, and start getting all the ducks in a row legally (and financially as far as possible) for the day when memory care becomes inevitable.

Funny story: Constant repetition leads to caregiver's mouth going on autopilot. Mom frequently prefaces remarks with "I don't know why…" Auto response: "I don't know either." This worked fine until we were in the shoe aisle one day trying to find her a pair that fit, and out of the blue, she says, "I don't know why you put up with me." Autopilot answers, "I don't know either." Internal gasp that I said that, and quick recover: "Probably because I love you so much." Mom says, "I love you too." Whew!

jfkoc

I know I should say something uplifting but right now all that come to mind is is shampoo..rinse…repeat.

This is a hard journey. You do you best as things change and change seems to be the only thing that is consistent.

We will be here to listen and hopefully help as we can. You are not alone!

H1235

We took my mil on a long drive out of state and the it was hours and hours of the same 3 conversation being repeated. It was very difficult. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it would be to have someone with dementia with you all day asking questions and repeating the same conversations. I wish I had some insightful advice, but I have nothing. Good luck.

SDianeL

We know how you feel. Please read the book “The 36 Hour Day” it really helped me after my husbands diagnosis. She asks questions over and over because she doesn’t remember she just asked it or remember the answer you gave her. She does not know how to use a phone. She soon will forget how to watch TV. She asks you because you are her primary caregiver. Caring for someone with memory loss is 24/7 exhausting job. Please start looking into memory care facilities. You may need one sooner than you think.