J

Merla

h

Anonymousjpl123

I am following this. I don’t have any videos, but I DO have a theory, having just placed my mom in an MC with higher levels of care, which means residents and people with higher levels of need who are further along in their journey.

My theory is people making you (me) feel guilty, or even my own guilt, comes from projection. Your husband is projecting his fears and his assumptions that old people are scary.

We DON’T have the same issues with older people living together in independent living facilities where they play golf, tennis, and dine in our fantasies. So the judgment is about peole in chairs, on oxygen, with walkers, or even in mobile hospital beds. We are scared and assume people like that being alone together is bad.

In the past, too, nursing homes were scary, hospital like places. But my mom’s place, and I suspect the ones you are looking at, are quite the opposite. There is a cat and a dog and a communal feeling. There is outdoor space. The staff are extremely kind. Watching them with my mom and the others makes me want to do better, be better.

My mom’s friends have said things like that, and if i had a dollar for everyone who said “are you taking her home?…” i would be rich. And I myself have lived with guilt feeling like I should have her home even though it is just me - no partner! She would be alone with one aide for 10 hours a day. I doubt an aide could get her to a day center since she is not that mobile. On what planet would that be better?

I understand your husband feeling like he would “never want to be in a place like that,” but i think it is worth asking why. We make assumptions that living at home with family means comfort and ease. But I suspect the obstacles often times far outweigh these benefits. Friends who took care of their loved ones at home tell me how difficult and sad it was. I think this is a difficult and sad disease, but both being home and being in a facility can be dignified and comforting with the right care.

Jeanne C.

IIt is definitely hard to grasp the reality of dementia until you've experienced it. I have heard that the Teepa Snow videos are good.

https://teepasnow.com/resources/pac-videos-about-dementia/

SusanB-dil

Agree on the Teepa Snow. Would he gather anything from a true-story movie, "Still Alice" ? Would he gather anything from a book, such as "36-Hour Day" ?

harshedbuzz

Merla—

I am sorry your DH is so insensitive at a time when you need support in an already difficult decision.

HB

AndreaEllen

Bumping the recommendation of The 36-Hour Day - it's such a good primer. But I also agree with other commenters that your DH is likely working through his own emotions about himself, his family, etc. and projecting them onto you - which you do not deserve! As I watch my mother decline I am really struck by the violence of her own internalized ageism and ableism - she has such contempt for "old people" even at the age of 80! It's true that we as a culture really pathologize aging and disability, and also offer no structural supports for people going through the inevitable challenges associated with aging - every family is on their own. Please know what whatever your DH says, you are just doing what you need to do to keep your parent safe in a nearly impossible situation. Sending you love and care, and make sure you're surrounding yourself with others who can understand and affirm your choices- maybe a support group?

Anonymousjpl123

@Merla yes it is hard at first. It was for me. But now I think we are lucky to have these options - for those who do. For your husband, too, i was thinking maybe it is just so ingrained the idea that family is always best. My family was never close in adult years, something i think is true for more and more people in the U.S. and there is tremendous value placed on self sufficiency. Which is what makes caring for loved ones with such a difficult disease so very hard. But it can also be an amazing journey - whether one is in care outside or in the home.