Resident is angry only at loved ones

Katie Kingston

I attend a family support group at a local dementia home (my Mom lived there for a year before she died.) A daughter and father have moved their mother/wife into a MC facility recently. She is angry at them & won't talk to them when they try to chat. The resident may be doing something enjoyable with staff, but when she sees her daughter or husband, she droops down and becomes non communicative and angry. This seems to be because she feels they betrayed her by moving her there. This is just tearing their hearts out. Anybody else have this situation and have any advice or suggestions? I think they would be helped even by knowing others have this problem & how it got resolved. Thank you so much.

M1

Hi Katie and welcome to the forum. Yes, this happens a lot. Families are frequently the triggers for their loved ones - just like toddlers save their worst behavior for their parents, we loved ones are the safe targets. Especially in these early days, seeing you may trigger memories of other times and wanting to leave. She can't rationalize the changes and get over it like you can.

Give it time, lots of time. It's going to take longer than you'd wish, almost certainly, and you may want to stay away for a while. My partner has been in MC for over two years. During the first year i could only visit infrequently and never alone, because she was so angry. With disease progression and after a move to a different facility,, she now has no memory of having lived anywhere else so no longer asks about it. Leaving a visit was always difficult, but now she usually just falls asleep after lunch and i just slip out without saying goodbye.

you have come to a good place for advice and support.

terei

There are a couple things to try. When family visits, they could try interacting with OTHERS first(staff, other visitors, other patients etc) in the vicinity of the LO. Basically ignoring the patient to see if that will cause the LO to approach them. (she may feel she is being left out) If this behavior is continual, the family, if they feel they MUST visit, try to be in the facility + observe the LO without their knowledge to reassure themselves she is OK, but not interact with LO

I actually had a friend whose. mother was just fine at MC but as soon as daughter showed up she acted out with a vengeance. My friend finally had to give up visiting at all + keeping up to date with the staff by phone.

This is not uncommon for family but no one else to trigger ‘behaviors’

Katie Kingston

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219394#Comment_219394

OH MY GOODNESS, I didn't even count on receiving any responses because I don't know the system very well, and there you are, with a gorgeous wonderful supportive response! THANK YOU! And bless your heart, you were right on point! The Dad and Daughter are just so gutted by this, and fortunately/unfortunately, I never had this problem before nor had I heard anything exactly like it. I am grateful to you!!!

Katie Kingston

I just thanked another person for sending a wonderful response, and now I am thanking you as well! I am beyond grateful for this advice - this couple is just so devastated by this, and I never had this exact problem with my Mom when she was in dementia care. Other problems, but not that one! So I am grateful for your response - hoping this gives them a starting place to figure this out. xoxo