Crowd visit

forbarbara

MIL is an only child but has lots of cousins - she grew up with them but hasn’t seen most of them in at least 30 years. Now a long lost cousin is planning to visit.
This is probably a good thing - MIL loves visitors and may remember this cousin from her childhood. But the cousin is bringing 4 children and Grandchildren with her (all adults) whom I don’t think MIL ever met.
I’m worried that 5 visitors at once will overwhelm MIL. She gets agitated when there’s a lot of activity around her. I am planning to be there because she feels safe with me.
Any suggestions for how to help her deal with 6 people at once? I talked to MC and they suggested I come early which I will. Thanks in advance for ideas and suggestions.

M1

I think I would talk to the cousin very honestly about your concerns and see if they can pare down the group. Forewarned is forearmed. Use covid as an excuse if you need to (it’s actually still a very valid concern). And at the very least they can be prepared tybail quickly if it goes south.

I had to do something similar recently, my partner’s favorite nephew asked how to call her in MC and I just had to tell him that she would no longer know who he was on the telephone. I suggested he send a card instead. What’s appropriate changes with time and there’s nothing wrong with you being the gatekeeper.

jfkoc

Is any of the visit good for your MIL? If not, tell them no visitors.

H1235

I suggest you just be honest with them. Tell them how sorry you are, hope this doesn’t disrupt your plans etc. I would want family to tell me if I was doing something that might cause the person to be upset. Worst case scenario ask her to bring the additional guests in one at a time. I hope it goes well.

forbarbara

thanks everyone - I’m going to talk with the cousin. Your comments help me realize how absurd it is for the cousin to bring people who never knew MIL.

HollyBerry

Agree with the others, and I wonder if you can scope out the facility for a second space where the other family members can hang and maybe rotate in and out briefly. My mom lived at a larger continuum of care campus where there was a playground for kids, coffee shop, and various visiting spaces. Even without all those amenities, there may be a walking trail or park or something nearby. Be clear with your family members that she can handle X people in the room at the same time (3? 4? including you) for about how long (20 minutes?). I get the cousin thing because my mom was thrilled to have a visit from some relatives she hadn't seen in forever; she had moved across the country and was oriented sometime and place in the past, so it didn't seem like 50 years to her, it was more like 10 in her mind.

MN Chickadee

My mother had a hard time with kids and the commotion they bring; I would not pile in 4 kids and some strangers. If you absolutely must, I would do the visit outdoors where the kids can run around and not be crowded around her. This worked well with my children. Mom could watch them from afar but didn't get so overwhelmed.

forbarbara

Yesterday was the big visit -4 including me. It went fairly well. Some agitation but manageable. But I’m exhausted from all the worrying up front. Mama Bear is ready to go back to her den