I NEED HELP

4MY❤️

hi, my husband of over 30 years is in mid stages and has taken to chatting on singles websites. I think it’s mostly sex talk. He is using his real (unique) name and is well known in his field. I’m not dealing with this well. He would never do this or somehow justify this behavior in younger years. I have done so many things to prevent this; cut the internet, cancels his credit cards but he seems to keep finding a way to do this. It’s day in and day out. I don’t want to live like this. He uses his computer for other things so I can’t take away the computer. He blames me for not wanting to have sex with him, I just don’t, I’m tired. Our doctor tells me that I need to protect him from doing this… my LO was a very honorable person with a decent reputation. Please, can anyone help me with any advice?

M1

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry. Medication may blunt this some, so you need to let his doctors know. But I think you do need to take away the computer too. Internet access is just not safe, period. Spill coffee on it if you have to. Anything else he's using it for is not important enough to allow this to continue.

Edited to add: could even be a reason for memory care. But the sexual behavior would still have to be addressed first.

harshedbuzz

@4MY❤️ said:

 He uses his computer for other things so I can’t take away the computer… Our doctor tells me that I need to protect him from doing this… my LO was a very honorable person with a decent reputation. Please, can anyone help me with any advice?

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

TL;DR. Your doctor is right. This is on you.

It's sounds like you DH comes to dementia with a considerable amount of cognitive reserves. This could explain why he's still able to find a way to do this. Memory and skills seem to be LIFO in dementia. My dad was an early adopter of computers; he had a modem installed in the house he had built in 1984 and he could use his laptop well into the middle stages of the disease. DH and I begged mom to shut that down, but she was reluctant. The computer gave him something to do besides annoy her and frankly the odds of violence were not low as a consequence. I regret not spilling a large sticky Coke onto it although he likely would have just replaced it.

To my knowledge, and I did check his browser history, he wasn't into chat or porn. He daytraded. And before he finally got to a point where he could no longer recall his passwords, he managed to lose $360K that was not only a big piece of their nest egg, but it was also money left by my late sister intended for her now adult daughters that was left for him to manage. There have also been instances where PWD have gotten onto browsing porn sites and gone to those with minors (perhaps by accident) and been caught by law enforcement that track activity to your IP address. You really don't his name and likeness on the local news.

You have to shut down his internet access. If he's still clever enough to recognize airplane mode, you may need to change the WiFi password or get a service that allows you to shut down access to specific devices. Since a smartphone could use data, you'll need to swap that out for a flip phone or none at all.

Medication could help dial this behavior back. Dad was verbally sexually inappropriate at times with people like waitstaff and the health techs at the PCP's office. He was already on androgen deprivation therapy and adding an antipsychotic (which also helped with aggression and delusions) helped considerably although we did restrict his access to the outside world during the worst of this phase. Placement might be needed if you won't be safe under these new circumstances; he'd likely need medication before transferring into a MCF.

HB

4MY❤️

Dear M1 and harshedbuzz!

Thank you a much for your comments, they are super helpful and I feel heard and supported. I now have my husband on meds that are supposed to curb the urges. Our internet has been “down” which is why I have taken so long to respond. I don’t want to be on the internet near him.

My husband sounds a lot like your dad, harshed, he has a ton of cognitive reserve. It makes this very difficult, and to make matters worse, (believe it or not) he is writing him memoirs so he is on the computer most of the day. That’s how he probably get bored and got to clicking on things which led to this mess we’ve been in. I seem to have is under control now but every single day, several times a day, he asks when the internet is getting fixed. I will eventually get our computer person here and have him delete all the accounts and block them before restoring his internet.

I had a couple people say something to me which I found helpful to share…they told me that he would want me to protect him from doing this. They are right. That helps to keep me strong.

Wishing the best to both of you and thank you for being so supportive to everyone on here. It truly helps! ❤️

M1

I agree with Victoria. He doesn't need to be on the Internet ever again.

4MY❤️

thank you Victoria and M1. I realize that I have to cut the internet. It will be torture. He uses it to research for his book since his life is available online so he can double check what he writes. It will be me asking him to give up this project that is so important to him. It’s his life’s purpose these days. Wish me luck. It won’t go well. I hate this disease.

harshedbuzz

@4MY❤️

This is tough stuff. It's not ever you asking him to give up the project, it's dementia snatching it away from him. You're not doing anything to him, but for him.

It sounds as if he had a noteworthy career given that "his life" is available online. Realistically speaking, this project of writing his memoir seems fraught with complications given his memory issues. If he's progressed to a degree that he "needs" the internet to fact check this document is worrisome.

One concern I would have in this is the possibility of conflated memories. Often in dementia, individuals recall the gist of an event but are hazy on the details. My dad did this a lot. I heard him tell one story about a romantic date-night drive along the ocean in which he misidentified the vehicle, the year, the location and marital status. Often, he put himself in the role of protagonist in a situation where he was only a spectator claiming credit not due him. This kind of grandiosity isn't uncommon in dementia; one member here had a DH who claimed to have dated Marilyn Monroe and was a member of the Rat Pack. My concern specific to your DH is that he might take professional credit where perhaps he shouldn't and that that would tarnish the reputation you are looking to preserve.

That said, you need some respite in this challenging situation. Is there a day program that might work for you?

HB