Reposting for new member yummiep

M1

Hi all, I am new here but I also have similar situation. I actually am looking for adivce. My parents are in their 90s, and both have dementia. Mom has hernia and colon cancer. They too, pretend that everything is okay; and most of the time I found out through the helper whom my dad dislike. He claims she steals all the time. He won't let her in when my mom hasn't got up from bed and send her home when they want to eat. I feel so bad for the helper. I managed to get her into hospice care a month ago so I have a nurse that come once a week. He always said the doctors and nurses are useless. Anyway, my mom got scabie, I told my dad it's not an allergic reaction it's bites. He denied it and calimed that the bedroom is clean and there's no bites. I know they haven't clean the bedroom because they won't let the helper inside most of the time. And my mom hides thing so she didn't want the helper to know. Anyway, it's now all over her body and the nurse told me I need to put cream on her and at least completely clean the room if not the house. I can see my dad starting to kick and scream tomorrow when I go. I am dragging my brother to go with me because both of their beds needed to be clean. He usually yell at me for doing things he doesn't want, and he has a tendency to dismiss anything unless it's really broken - like the faucet, the pipes, the stairs. The basement was infested with bugs one time and he still denied it. He kicked the wall when my hubby and i told him that and he would say we don't know anything, he's been here on earth long before we were.

Can anyone give me suggestions? I can't take them out because both of them refuses to go out; I can't distract them because they will be keeping an eye on me no matter what we do. I can't explain to them because they won't get it.

Thank you!

M1

Yummy p, since i reposted for you, I'll start with a basic question. Do you hold power of attorney for your parents? If you do, then you move them to a safer living situation even if it is against their will. They do not need to be living alone. If you don't, then the first thing you do is talk to a certified elder law attorney about getting power of attorney or suing for guardianship. That's how you get power to act. And then you just do it, without discussion with them ahead of time. You use any excuse-and the scabies is a good one, or a gas or sewer leak, anything you want to make up- to get them moved. Im glad hospice is on board for your mom.

yummiep

Thank you M1! No I don't have power of attorney, or any legal paperwork as they refused to sign anything. I actually made a appointment with an elder law attorney to see what my options are. Yesterday I had to 'threaten' my dad (although that should be avoided) that if anything gets worst, mom will have to go to hospital. He gave in a little with complaints. But today I am going to see what I can do. Will keep you all posted.

H1235

If they have dementia they are probably not pretending everything is ok I would guess they really do think everything is ok. A common symptom of dementia is anosognosia and it is an inability to understand their limitations, problems and symptoms. It can make things very difficult. Dementia means their brain is not working properly. You will have to do things they do not agree with and will probably even make them angry. It’s something that is very hard to do, but necessary. To get them to physically do things necessary for their safety you make up whatever story you have to. It seems wrong to lie or be deceptive, I know. It’s good you are bringing your brother with you to clean. Is there a chance your dad might get physical with you. Dementia can cause loved ones to do things they never would have in the past. The upset of seeing you clean and go through things may cause symptoms to worsen for a day or two. It seems they definitely need a higher level of care. Without a durable power of attorney you would need their agreement (which you probably won’t get) to move them to a facility. If you have one I would start making plans now. Do not include your parents! A local department of aging might be able to make some suggestions for care based on their finances (Medicaid eligibility)and the situation. It’s a process with much to consider. Once a DPOA is in place just do what needs to be done for their safety and wellbeing. You will probably feel guilty and apprehensive, but it’s necessary. So I agree with M1 a durable power of attorney is important. If this hasn’t been set up you may end up needing to do a guardianship. If this is all just too out of control adult protective services may need to be called. If you don’t have hipaa rights and you think you could get them to agree to it that would be helpful so you can talk with their doctors and really understand where things stand. You might also want to consider if bills are being paid properly, is he still driving(should he be). You have a lot of work ahead of you. Know that this site is a great place for advice and support. I hope everything goes well.