Visiting friends said parents looked great not sure how to respond

TrumpetSwan

First of all, my parents do not "look great" as a family friend told me after she visited my parents at their ALF. To me, it is so obvious they both are on a decline with several challenges that have taken a toll on me emotionally and sometimes physically and I find such a statement is invalidating. How do you reply to them?

I wanted to ask her to please clarify exactly who she visited. I wanted to tell her she is clueless. I wanted to list off all the reasons they are not great. Instead, I just said I was glad she enjoyed the visit.

Another aspect is that I found her visit to them was intrusive. This individual moved out of state several years ago and we have only had infrequent contact. Out of nowhere, she visited my parents and called me three days after it happened. My parents never told me about it as I am sure they forgot it even occurred. She also met with three other people in her family, so the four of them took it upon themselves to visit my parents seemingly unannounced. I have one sibling who I am not close to, so it might be possible she spoke to my sister about this and got her clearance in advance, but when this "family friend" told me about it, that was the first I heard of it and it seemed disrespectful.

I just kept my opinion to myself. She said she enjoyed the visit, talked about how my mom was wearing a cute sweater and my dad was joking around and asked if they wanted to join them in the dining room for lunch. I did not recognize her description of my parents. I have been through a grueling few months with moving my parents to the ALF and getting them acclimated and she just breezed in and never even asked how I was managing things. This has changed my life, and she never asked me about myself. My dad also just started hospice three days ago. So, she thought someone nearing hospice care "was great"?

I find this person's behavior so disrespectful. She probably thought she did a great thing just by visiting and calling me. How do you respond?

Jeanne C.

The person may have meant well and was trying to let you know (in some weird way) that you're doing a good job caring for them. We all know our loved ones can showtime like it's their job for people they don't see regularly.

But, if your gut is saying something is off, it may be. PWDs are often targets for people with bad intentions. Do you have your parents' credit locked down? Do you want to and are you able to restrict their visitors?

I often feel like people are clueless in how to interact with PWDs and their caregivers. I truly hope that this person just wanted to visit and then did a little "virtue signaling" looking for a pat on the back. I agree that it's disrespectful. I typically let it go when I feel like people are stupid. But the mama bear in me rises up when I feel like they're out to gain something from my loved one.

H1235

Some people are clueless. Others are so optimistic and cheerful they can’t see reality( maybe that’s the same a clueless). Maybe they just have no idea what to say and came up with something that made no sense, in a twisted effort to be supportive. Regardless, it sounds like you have enough on your plate, brush it off and let it go ( probably easier said than done), have a laugh at how out of touch some people can be. Their opinion is not important! As far as how to respond. Grit your teeth and give them an equally crazy response about how nice it was for them to visit and hope they don’t come back anytime soon. Sorry you have to deal with this.

SusanB-dil

Agree that it may be disrespectful, and a lot depends on their intent. Your folks may have just been being gracious hosts, and not showing the whole picture.

Just read up on how much 'outsiders' think they know better. It can be heartbreaking when they not only don't see the whole picture, but go on to judge. Best thing is to disregard anything they say about that. Also agree - are you able to block certain visitors? Or, at the very least, can the facility let you know someone is there to visit?

JDancer

sandwichone123

I decided at some point to hear, "your spouse looks fine to me," or "he looks great," to mean, "you are a great caregiver, providing so well for his deficiencies that they are not noticeable." It's ignorance, and they're trying to find something nice to say.

Dropping in without notice does put a much more negative spin on it, and I would make sure their finances are locked up tight as a drum.

jfkoc

How about just "it was nice of you to visit" and let it go knowing you have taken the high road…

terei

I agree with jf. If you do not want your parents to receive visitors, I think you can have the facility handle that for you. IME most people are not malicious, they are trying NOT to be hurtful ;;;;they just lack the experience + knowledge about AZ that would enable them to know what to say to you that would be helpful.

You are under a lot of stress. Try not to let this type situation prey on your mind … it really is not worth worth your time + energy

harshedbuzz

I eventually landed on @sandwichone123 's solution. I'm not wasting emotional bandwidth caring what others think.

That said, the visit doesn't seem as necessarily sketchy to me. It sounds like this is a same-aged peer of your parents who aren't intimately familiar with the dynamics of your parents' abilities at this point. It would never occur to my parents' silent generation/older boomer friends that they need to consult me before a visit to a hospitality-model ALF. A hospital visit? Maybe, but not where they live.

My parents and their friends were quite mobile in their retirement with moving and traveling. They often did this "stop by" kind of visit if they were in the vicinity for some other reason. I think it's a generational thing. If my mom went back to her hometown for a family funeral, she always made it a point to visit a friend from high school. And when my parents were in FL for the winters, they generally had drive-by visits from several friends who were vacationing in the area each winter.

Keeping assets locked-down is always important.
HB

TrumpetSwan

Thank you everyone. I do not think the visit was malicious. I guess I will put it in the column of clumsy and lacking awareness.

I am indeed under a lot of stress and have been for several months. Knowing dad's death is near is also putting me on edge.

l guess I'll just take a deep breath and decide I am not picking this fight. Not worth the time. Not worth the energy. Thanks.

jfkoc

…but we are always here to listen and oft times that really can help.

I hope you will keep us updated.

forbarbara

TrumpetSwan I feel your anger. And I share it. I wish I could give you great advice about just letting it go. But I haven’t figured that out yet.
I’m so grateful for this forum - and for all of you.

Jeanne C.

You know what helps me sometimes? I use overpolite phrases that I have assigned other meanings to. For example, when I say "ma'am" I mean the B word. It's petty, but it lets me be honest in my head while I'm being polite and letting it go.

Hang in there. You've been doing so much for your parents.

M1

That's like the Southern phrase that means,the opposite: you can say the worst thing you want if you follow it with "bless their heart." We're SO glad they visited, bless their hearts.

MN Chickadee

I can see both sides of this. Most people here complain that their LO's friends fall away and nobody visits them and they become forgotten by everyone except the caregiver, so it's a double edged sword. Does she come from a human services background? Some people are so immersed in working with people with disabilities etc that they carry the idea behind person-first language to a broader application, like this is a human who should be treated with the exact same respect and regard as anyone. It could be she is an upbeat person who wouldn't dream of saying something negative about her friends and was finding the silver linings where she could. But you are in the trenches and see the decline, the despair, all the horrible things day to day. PWD can also showtime for social occasions and save their worst days for their caregivers, so maybe they really did have a lovely visit. Or maybe she thought she was paying you a compliment as the caregiver, meaning they looked good and as well off as possible. Or maybe she was just totally tone deaf in her comments, in which case it's probably just ignorance and I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds like she will go home and that will be the end of it. It's understandable that your patience is fried.

TrumpetSwan

Thank you again, everyone. I feel like you are all trusted friends, because I sort of just spill everything I am thinking about, and you somehow find a way for it seem OK again. You do not call me nuts, either. So, thanks for that.

eaglemom

Over stressed, over tired, exhausted and the list can go on, but certainly not nuts. You are caring for your parents, two people, that's a handful of caregiving for sure. As other's have said, sometimes people say things because they don't know what else to say. Thus the "look great" comment.

You don't have to respond. Not responding is a response in and of itself. Or you can simply say something like "I'm glad you think so." That's it, nothing more needs to be said.

Yes, we are here to help one another along this bumpy journey no one wants to be on.

JJ401

I'd label the visit as a win. Your parents got a visitor. Many in AL do not. Old friends and relatives often don't want to visit anyone in a facility.

It's a win. Your parents did not complain to them about the facility. They didn't complain that you never visit. They see it as their home (evidenced by the invitation to dine).

As for asking to visit... I'd ask you if they were at your home, your sister's home, but not at an AL facility.