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Merla

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H1235

Her primary care doctor is probably not going to diagnose her anyway. The doctor will refer her to a neurologist. This appointment will be months out. The family doctor may do a blood test and do a simple test in the office, but that is not going to tell you much. I think it’s just to see if she should be tested further. The blood test will rule out some things other than dementia. I have attached a staging tool you may find helpful. I would be cautious about her signing any long term housing contract when she moves( if she is looking at an independent living situation). That may cause problems if she ends up needing more care than you realize( which is often the case). One of the first things the doctor told us after diagnosis was to see a lawyer. She doesn’t need a diagnosis to get legal matters in order. A DPOA, medical POA and a living will are important. I would approach it in a casual/ general it’s just a good idea to have these things in place kind of way. If you suggest she needs to see a lawyer because you are noticing memory issues, it might not go well. How long before she moves? I think that is the key question. I’m not sure I see an advantage to taking with her current doctor unless the move is months away. Even then will he be able to make a referral to a neurologist in your area( I don’t know how that works). I have had mixed results with doctors understanding dementia and being careful and discreet. I have used an on line portal to relay information and concerns to doctors and that usually seems to work well. Telling the doctor your concerns in front of your mom could cause trouble. Good luck

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

M1

Merla, it seems foolhardy to commit to any independent living arrangement when you are so uncertain about what level of care she needs. You are not going to know what is appropriate until you spend some time with her and have a real sense of her level of function.

H1235

My mom saw he same family doctor every few months for years. They did a quick in office memory/ cognitive test once a year and she did fine. The doctor knew she lived alone and drove and never expressed any concern. At my insistence the doctor referred her to a neurologist for testing. After testing we were told she should not be driving and should no longer live alone. There was no drastic change that prompted this neurological appointment. We expected a dementia diagnosis maybe even the suggestion to stop driving, but we’re shocked at the not living alone. My point is without more extensive testing it might be really hard to judge what her capabilities are. I can understand how difficult things can get having her stay with you for too long. But maybe it would be a good idea to look into some options that offer more care (AL or retirement living). You don’t have to tell her about them. Just find out if there is a waiting list, is the AL close to you nice, what is the cost, etc.

Victoriaredux

"Letting people live at their highest quality of life" when the brain is no longer dependable & will continue to worsen —-safety - of person & finances is the driving force behind care giving.

Going for a weekend visit and seeing how she is really doing 24/7 in her own setting will save you nerves, money and time. Check her refrigerator for old food, laundry basket, have a peek if you can at her mail/paperwork- over due bills etc.

If she moves into a place she doesn't like or is the wrong level of care for her and you don't have the documents to manage her care & finances will give you an expensive mess to unravel. What if she wanders off etc .

"her lifestyle would drastically change inside a facility." yes, she'd have 24/7 supervision . The routine of placement is actually soothing for most PWD- routine is a comfort.

It is hard on family members to accept the changes in their loved one , us humans are a hopeful bunch but safety has to come first.

M1

Merla, do you know that the boyfriend is not financially taking advantage of her? There are so many moving pieces here and it doesn't feel to me like you really have a handle on any of them. Are you watching her bank accounts? The most dangerous time for abuse of any sort is if the person announces they are leaving. So if the boyfriend has forewarning, things could heat up in a hurry. He may put pressure on her not to leave. I know you are concerned about your kindergartener but the whole thing feels really unstable. I still think you need to go.

M1

No wonder she is reaching out to you: this sounds like a cry for help. I think you have a hair on fire situation and if you can, I'd be on a plane tomorrow. Please tell her to not discuss anything with the boyfriend. A competent adult needs to be on site asap.