Memory care adjustment

Katielu

Hello All. I am moving DH to memory care in 10 days. I am told by all to not tell him ahead of time where he is going. I agree that he would not go if he knew, but it also feels deceitful. Once he realizes where he is and I will leave him there, he will be hurt, confused and angry.

Can anyone share their experience with this? Did you take them, explain where and why they are there and leave? Did they adapt? How long did it take?

Besides realizing he will no longer be with me, being worried about his fear and confit when I leave and how he will adjust and adapt, that keeps me awake at night.

tryingtodurvive

Katielu I am reaching out to you to share my experience as I just went through this. It will be 2 weeks this Thursday since I placed my sweet Tommy. I’m not sure what your DHs stage is but mine was at a point where he only knew me sometimes. I did not tell him ahead of time. I had everything ready for the move in day and a friend that had been staying with him bought him to the facility and I greeted him. My friend told him they were going to visit a hotel. When I got there I told him he was gonna stay there just for a while because I had to work out of town. He did become quite upset because he is in denial anything is wrong. He went through anger and was crying the the wonderful staff at the facility started bringing in other residents to meet him. He loves people so he soon became involved with them and soon sat down to watch an activity they were having. The MC director advised me to just tell him I had to go to work and leave so I did. He seemed fine I told him I loved him and left. I was soooo heartbroken the first few days but then began to realize how much I had been consumed every day taking care of him. I began to sleep like normal and each day got easier with the freedom I had being alone. My kiddos, grandkids and friends gathered around and all are just waiting to visit him. The second day I talked to the facility and he was not doing well he had all of his things packed, couldn’t understand why was there and was crying. I talked to them 3 days later and he was doing great and had been acclimating well ever since. I get to see him in 3 days as his doctor and the MC director advised me to wait 2 weeks. I’m anxious for how this visit will go but I’ve just prayed about it a lot and am staying hopeful with the grace and peace of god. I will post how the visit goes. Sorry this is so long but I would’ve appreciated these details prior to my experience. Good luck and I am praying everything will go well.

Katielu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219798#Comment_219798

thank you so much for sharing. I anticipate anger, tears, all of it. He needs help dressing, taking meds, finding words, all of it. He has no concept of time, day, etc. he seems to decline each day and my fatigue goes up as his cognition goes down. I am still working and know I am not giving work my all. This he will be placed in memory care. I am loosing sleep over this and hope for some peace and rest after he is there. I pray so much and hope he adjusts. I just don’t know what else to do to help him.

Again, thank you for sharing!

harshedbuzz

@Katielu

IME, this time between deciding on placement and moving day was the most emotionally difficult part of dad's time with dementia.

It's likely he has anosognosia to a degree and won't understand why he can't stay at home with you. And he likely doesn't have the cognition to follow your reasons why even if he does admit to needing a little help.

What we did was take dad, day of, to the MCF telling him it was a new doctor to make sure we were doing all we could for him. The activities coordinator whisked him off to introduce him around at an activity and chased us out. When we visited, we told him he was staying for rehab until he was stronger. Rinse and repeat. When he later insisted on going home, we were able to deflect as the doctor's decision and that we were looking forward to having him home which made him happy.

It took a couple weeks for dad to settle in, but by a month it became his home— he believed mom was moving in soon, that his brother and SIL lived there, too and that their was a nightclub they all frequented on the first floor.

Until he adjusted, I made sure mom never visited solo and kept visits to the public spaces of the building otherwise he would excoriate her. I also went with her to bring him and brought her home with me for dinner so she wouldn't be alone that evening.

Good luck. HB

Katielu

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219813#Comment_219813

HB you are correct, he does not think there is anything wrong with him. I am an RN with always changing responsibilities. We are telling him I will be working in this building and many others, and now have to travel for work. After seeing this program, we are helpful it will help him with time, until my job changes again.

I anticipate a flood of emotions from him. My daughter is bringing him to MC as I will be there “ working” and great them. She and I will both be ready to leave on the fly if needed.

And this next 10 days is miserable. I was going to move him this week, but our youngest wants to come visit this weekend. And the beginning of next week, our daughter is tied up at work ( high school assistant principal) so Thursday it will be and I have all those nights to be sleepless.

thanks for the feed back. Here’s praying!

CStrope

DH moved into MC 4/1. The facility where he is at encourages you to bring your own personal things, including bed, nightstand, etc. My son and his buddy took his bed, recliner and some other things and he never once questioned why they were carrying his bed out of the house. Then my son took him for lunch, and I made up his bed and got everything looking as close to his own room at home as possible. He has never gotten upset when I leave him, but he has FTD, not ALZ so he still has some awareness of his surroundings, even though he cannot function on his own at all. There have been days where I cry sitting there with him, and he will shake his head at me and say no-no. I think he realizes that I just couldn't care for him anymore at home and he understands that he needs to be there.

The other suggestion I have is to make sure you're greeting the staff, show them appreciation for their work. And when possible, tell them about your DH on a personal level. What he was like, etc. Most facilities have you fill out a form with that information, but I found that it usually didn't get passed on to the staff that take care of him day in and day out.

Joe C.

When I placed DW she no longer recognized me as her husband or our house as her home. For us I think this made the transition easier. DW has never asked about home. The only thing she asked was, “where have you been” to which I would respond at work (I had been retired 7 years at that point) and she would just say OK. I know I was luckier with her adjustment than others but for us it went pretty smoothly.

TyroneSlothrop

Katielu,

My wife moved to MC exactly 2 months ago. We brought some books and pictures the week before she moved. The day before, I helped her pack a suitcase, and I explained that we needed to move out of the house for a renovation, and I had to stay to help the builder. We have found this charming hotel for her to live in, temporarily.
The day we moved her in, the staff was prepared; one of the directors gave her a tour while I unpacked her stuff. My wife joined an exercise class in progress, and when I left, I said I would come back soon.
The lies are embarrassing, but they are helpful to avoid causing her pain.
I have visited her only 4 times in these 2 months. When I visit, she wants to leave with me. Painful. But I receive frequent reports from the directors that she is adjusting well, engaging, helping, and making friends.
I recommend that you depend on the staff to help guide the transition, both long term and in these moments of arrival and departure.
And I continue to believe that the move is necessary; that she is receiving better care than I could provide; and that my feelings of guilt are just part of the disease, like the stress and anxiety that were my constant companions before she moved.
Good luck!

Tyrone