Hurt Feelings

Dunno

My wife was admitted to a memory care facility 3 days ago. I'm worried about my oldest daughter visiting every day. She took a half day off today to be with her, and while I understand her desire to help, I'm concerned that her frequent visits might agitate my wife and make the transition more difficult. I've read here that it's often better to wait a few weeks to give her time to adjust to her new surroundings.

Should I talk to my daughter about this? I don't want to hurt her feelings.

…btw,I haven't seen her yet

Quilting brings calm

Call the director and ask the director/activity director to tell her that her mom needs to become used to the routines and to develop relationships with the residents. Daytime is the activity time at facilities and that she needs to be involved from the beginning of her stay. I’m sure your daughter will then call you to vent and you can confirm your agreement with the director.

Dunno

thank you, I just now sent a text to the director. I met her a few days ago and she has sent me photos already of my wife interscting with the residents. wonderful Lady!

M1

keep us posted how it goes. These early days are difficult. Good idea to let the director run interference with your daughter so that you don't take more heat than you have to.

JDancer

The MC director sounds very thoughtful. It sounds like you've found a lovely place for your wife. I hope the transition goes smoothly for all of you.

harshedbuzz

@Dunno

It's really hard to say.

What is driving your daughter's behavior?

Is she mama's-girl who was very engaged in her care before and is struggling to adjust herself? To that end, when she is there, is she encouraging and scaffolding her mom to engage in the activities and mealtime conversation or is she preventing that from happening by being a source of one-on-one attention and entertainment?

Or is she a mama's girl who doesn't agree with the placement decision and this behavior is more of a protest or attempt to throw shade at you? In either case, does your daughter call you with updates after the visits to keep you looped in?

The memory care we chose for dad didn't make any suggestions about visitation in the early transition period, so we did visit. Those first couple visit were awful, but it soon became clear that mom was a trigger for him and that I wasn't. This was pretty ironic as I was never one of dad's favorites; we butt head seemingly since my birth— I could have a nice chatty visit and mom got excoriated. Perhaps this is a situation where your DD can visit without triggering her mom where you, being closer, might.

If you want the visits stopped because they are interfering with your DW's adjustment, the MCF can run this interference for you. If your DD has gone rogue against your wishes, I would make sure she is not on the list of people who can take your DW out of the facility.

HB

Dunno

When signing the entrance admission paperwork, I asked if it was best to give a couple of weeks of non-visit acclimation time. I was surprised when she answered that it didn’t matter. And, the activity/lifestyle leader texted me back and said that they have a family support group meeting next week. So apparently, her visits aren’t hindering her adjustment.

again, thank you folks.