One phone call, so many emotions

Quilting brings calm

Mom called me about an hour ago. Her first words: when was I coming out because she hadn’t seen me in so long.

I was there at the AL yesterday. I reminded her of what we talked about when I was there. She remembers that she woke up yesterday morning without her oxygen running… but she can’t remember I was there yesterday. I told her I wouldn’t be there until Monday ( today is Friday) as I have plans both weekend days. I have been going there twice a week when I can since my step-dad died. She basically hung up on me after I didn’t properly validate her whining about not getting three different drinks to take back to her room from the dining hall after dinner. She has the same drinks in her room already,

The emotions: sad, guilty, angry, resentful … not just of her, but of my out of state siblings. One hasn’t seen her in almost 5 years, the other for 10 years or more. One calls her once a year, the other even less. Yes, there are reasons for that. That doesn’t make the fact that I’m doing this all by myself any easier. Those same reasons could apply to me, but I just suck it up and handle my responsibilities anyway. I don’t have much of a relationship with either sister, and I probably will go full no contact after mom dies. They don’t seem to care that I shoulder it all. Occasionally I get a texted ‘ we appreciate you’. Well if you appreciate me, come up here and take your turn at dutiful daughter.

fmb

@Quilting brings calm

No words, just a big (((hug)))

Iris L.

((((( QBC )))))

You can join us on the Friends thread for some nice conversation.

Iris

M1

I hope in the long run the knowledge that you did right by your mother will sustain you. It sounds harsh to say it, but one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me was that both my parents died sudden, unexpected cardiac deaths while they were still fully functional. I was spared so much, and there is absolutely nothing to regret about it in the long run. Far preferable to this slow dementia agony.

Quilting brings calm

@M1-My hope is that I die that way , either in my sleep or from some fast acting illness. My spouse’s mom went that way. Unfortunately his dad died from COPD. A 20 year process that I saw the last 9 years of. I have recently begun to feel that my mom is just hanging out waiting to die. None of us want that for ourselves.

@Iris L. I might do that the next time the post starts over.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

I hope your plans for the weekend are something that is an enjoyable break for you. No one deserves it more.

I wish your sisters would share some of this burden, if not for the sake of your mom but for their sister and her family.

HB

PS There's a rocker awaiting you on the porch.

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz

Both weekend days are quilting related. I just got home from a bi-monthly quilting group where we have show and tell, shop at vendors, eat lunch and have a speaker. Tomorrow is shopping at quilt shops with a friend. There’s a shop hop ( like a pub crawl/poker run without alcohol or bikes) going on for two months in our state. 71 shops involved - we will go to 7 tomorrow. I won’t make all 71 of course. Too time consuming.

jfkoc

Your mothers reality is not your reality and no amount of explaining will work. You have to get on her page.

I found it very hard not to try to bring back reality to my husband even though I knew that "reminders" were really not helpful to him.

You might try validating instead. Ask your mother if she is missing you. Tell her you miss her then you can venture on to sharing something you miss doing with her. Try to get her talking.

Drinks? Tell her how awful that her drinks are missing and ask her to double check while you are on the line. Take the time to validate her concern. Take the time to validate her emotions even when they do no seem reasonable. We all need to be validated…we all need that hug.

After all your shopping can you take some of the material you bought to share with her? Ask her which ones she likes. Did she ever sew? Talk about that.

Talk about her childhood. Let her come up with the memories. Enjoy her stories made up or not. Talk now. The day is coming when there will be no more sharing.

M1

The other possibility is to disappear her phone of course. Does she use it for anything other than calling you? You may not be quite read, but I'd think about it....

Quilting brings calm

@M1 ( I tried to tag you. The list shows you, but wouldn’t let me select you).

She only uses the phone to call me. I’m not quite ready for the anguish removing it would cause. I don’t think the staff is quite ready for dealing with the aftermath either. I keep thinking she’s eventually going to forget that it’s a phone and tell me her ‘remote control ‘ isn’t working. At which time it will go ‘out for repair’. She has issues with her actual TV remotes now. She got a new portable oxygen concentrator. It’s the same brand as what she had with the same buttons. She told me she has trouble with it. So I don’t think the phone will last all that much longer.

In my opinion ( although what do I know), I think she’s declining physically and cognitively. I think things will change a lot over the next several months. We will get another hospice eval in a month or so.

I’m a lot better mentally tonight. The quilting event helped me feel a little more normal.

harshedbuzz

Ooh shop hop! My BFF does these on occasion although she tends to focus on one place that that has remarkably talented owners with an amazing ability to pick fabrics to go together. The aesthetic quality of her work is improved under their direction.

BTW, if you ever come across yardage in a robot print, let me know where so I can call and order some.

HB

BassetHoundAnn

At one point my mom was phoning old friends, relatives and neighbors to complain she hadn't seen me in weeks. <sigh> Talk about feeling unappreciated, says the exhausted daughter who was spending hours with her every day in memory care, cleaning her up, changing her Depends, doing her laundry, etc.

This is a horrible illness. There are no words for it. Hugs!