The incontinence blues - I'm not handling it well

Jeanne C.

We've had a couple of rough days. Over the last few weeks my husband has moved into full time incontinence. He's been incontinent for a while, but until a few weeks ago it was almost always urinary and not all the time.

Then The last 48 hours...

Fecal incontinence and he's fighting me hard on clean-up. He won't let me remove the pants, keeps walking away from me while I try wipe him, just fighting me the entire time.

I'm confessing to you, fellow caregivers, I lost my cool and yelled at him tonight. I know it's not his fault. I know he can't help it. I feel terrible. But I'm so over cleaning up poop. I've done it before and obviously will do it again. I hate how angry I feel. But seriously it's not enough I have to clean him up - now I have to battle for the privilege of doing it?!?!

harshedbuzz

@Jeanne C.

I am so sorry you've gotten to this point.

This is part of why incontinence so often leads to placement. It's not so much the incontinence care itself, but the exhaustion from wrangling to deliver care to a resistant PWD and the resulting angry emotional set-point that becomes the new baseline.

HB

Arrowhead

I used to tell my children that, when they have children of their own and we are visiting, to not ask me to change diapers. I changed all of theirs and I would never change diapers again. I never should have said that. Incontinence and fighting diaper changes is one of the more challenging aspects of this disease. We all get angry and yell at them, then feel bad afterwards. All we can do about that is to be on guard against it.

Quilting brings calm

On a personal note, I think this is where I would have to draw the line and consider placement. My spouse is a lot bigger than me, and I can’t imagine chasing him down and wrestling with him to clean him up.

Jeanne, this is not a suggestion to you to place him. It’s merely a comment about what I’d think if this situation became my life. My spouse doesn’t have dementia ( yet) and my mom is in AL and currently manages her own incontinence and clean-ups.

Jeanne C.

@harshedbuzz @Quilting brings calm

Placement has been on my mind, honestly. He's on hospice and gets a little worse every day. Mobility has become a real issue. I'm not sure I'm up to the physical challenge of diapers, bathing, etc., once he's not able to stand. I have already hurt my back lifting him after a fall. I'm planning to have a real conversation about it with his social worker.

Thanks for all your support. Couldn't do any of this without you.

easy23

I feel for you Jeanne. My DH has a colostomy and removed the bag today and made a huge mess before I got up. I am already in the process of placing him in MC. It is so hard, but I have to think of myself too. I don't think I will survive if it goes on much more.

GothicGremlin

Ugh @Jeanne C.

I'm so sorry this is where the two of you are now. I think talking to the social worker is a great idea.