Tell me a story, of a move to memory care that went well.

Me&Sis

Please…

Mom moves next Friday. Can you tell me your positive stories? Maybe give me some hints of what will help. Maybe give me a sense of reassurance that this will be good.

M1

The fact that no one has responded promptly to your post is telling:this is not easy for anyone. However as a MC veteran (now in our third year), I can tell you that the initial transition is probably harder on you than it will be on her. We caregivers all tend to overthink these things, while the lack of memory is a blessing in disguise for our loved ones in this circumstance.

Look to the staff for guidance and advice, they’ve done this frequently while you haven’t. They will help you get her there and help you stage an exit, and then they will let you know how she’s settling in and when you should/can visit.

Let us know how it goes. Life will go on, I reassure you of that. It may go better than you anticipate, it’s just quite variable.

harshedbuzz

@Me&Sis

FWIW, the weeks between deciding to place dad and moving him in were some of the hardest in the caregiving journey. Not knowing what to expect or how he'd do weighed mightily on me to the point of being physically ill.

Dad was a difficult man prior to dementia and the disease enhanced this tendency to a degree that he was completely uncooperative with more helping him. He actually got better care in MC because he viewed the staff as professionals which meant he was cleaner, better fed, and taking his meds as prescribed. One benefit we didn't expect was that once we weren't constantly trying to get him to eat or shower, mom was able to just be a loving wife which was nice for both of them.

My aunt was a widow who was living alone and isolated. She positively blossomed in MC with nutritious meals, activities, outings and socialization. She made a couple of close bonds with other residents which was nice.

HB

psg712

Agree that it was harder on family than on my mom. She had been in AL but was showing signs that she needed a higher level of care. While on a waiting list for transfer to MC (same company, different building), she caught COVID and had to be hospitalized. Too weak to stand after that, so off to rehab at a standard SNF to get physical therapy. By the time I extracted her from rehab, her MC room was ready so that is where she went.

What a relief it was to get her to the MC facility with a small resident population and dementia-informed staff. She settled in much better than I expected and never once mentioned her old room in AL or her cat, whom we had rehomed while she was away. Yes, she was disoriented for a while, but with support from staff and family she made the adjustment. We still have family members who don't think she is "bad enough" for memory care, but they have not seen her in some time so really don't have a clear picture of her deficits.

ESkayP

It's difficult to describe the up side to the transition to MC for your LO or for you. What brings me a certain amount of solace is that after a year now, I'm absolutely certain it was the right decision. Try to believe that going in. You're doing the right thing. There will be rough spots, and you'll have doubts. Your LO will struggle periodically, and you will both suffer the slings and arrows of this damned disease. BUT… this move to MC is the safest and most loving thing you can do. A year ago, I wasn't sure. Now, I know.

Anonymousjpl123

I don’t know that the transition is ever smooth, but having moved my mom twice I can say that the best thing to remember is that you are still going to be a caregiver, just in a different way. My mom has moved twice into MC: first from AL after a hospital stay, then from one MC to another after her needs got too great in the first one.

My best advice? Remember that this is about helping your mom on her journey. No one feels great about this most of the time (even if we’re doing the right thing!). A few tips after mom’s move two weeks ago:

• Depending on where she is, “things” and furniture matter a lot less than you may think. My mom had way too much stuff in her first place because i wanted to make it “like home.” It didnt work, and having so much stuff just made it harder when things got hard.
• Keep it simple. Whatever she knows/doesnt know, keep the reason simple.
• Don’t involve her in the move. I did really well on this one and am so glad. It would have been too much for her.
• Focus on the positives. Trust me, she will pick up on your mood. If you are ok, shell be more likely to be ok: this doesnt always work, but you can balance her freaked-outedness.
• Have someone else come if possible. I had a family member come both times for company and it worked wonders.

My mother is having a hard time in her new place but it is 💯 because of her dementia, NOT because of her needs. Staff in her new place are kind and love helping people. She is not alone, and around people like her.

What sucks is that the disease is progressing, but that happens wherever the PWD is. I am enormously relieved that my mom is with experienced caregivers.

Example: my mom’s incontinence has gotten worse. She is fairly advanced in her disease, but still “here” enough to be humiliated and distressed by this. She can still articulate sentences with the right tone and cadence, but the words make no sense (word salad). According to staff, this is the most difficult time because she has lost most ability to do anything (dress herself, toilet, walk more than a block, converse) but she has moments when she knows something is wrong.

So I will leave you with this description of how MC can be good, maybe even great. This weekend i took my mom home overnight for what will definitely be the last time. She had a really rough day and I wanted to give her comfort. I woke up late and she had LEFT THE HOUSE. She was only halfway down the street, but was sobbing. Totally disoriented. She said “lets go back.” Once we got there she immediately wanted to leave, and the staff were warm, welcoming, and clearly knew what to do. I left sad for what she is going through but relieved she is with people who know what to do, how to help.

Now, I can focus on walking with her through this journey and hoping she remembers enough of my visits to know shes not alone.

AmandaF

We moved my mom three months ago and thought it’s all been very (very!) stressful, it is absolutely an improvement on how life was before we moved her, or how it would be if we hadn’t.

The staff told us to think in terms of three days/three weeks/three months - after three days she’ll have some sense of what the place is like, after three weeks she’ll start to have routines and get to know the staff and other residents a bit, and after three months she’ll feel pretty comfortable. (“Pretty comfortable” in her case means she still constantly asks us to “take her home” when we visit - but also means she has some friends at the facility, knows where things are and how to get an ice pack for her back when she needs one, and feels pretty ok most of the time.) Anyway, it basically went exactly as they described, and knowing what to expect in this way was super helpful to us.

Good luck! It’ll be ok.

Me&Sis

Thank you all!

I am very worried, but… her room is beautiful with familiar things and I believe not too many.

We bought her a rocking arm chair, because swinging in our outside chair comforts her.

I’ll bring clothes over the next couple of days, and on Friday when we’re out my husband and son will take the bed.

Then we will have lunch with her brother and sister in law and afterwards go see “Jess and Melissa, the nice ladies who came to the house the other day” (she won’t remember them, but that’s ok, it’s my story of why we’re going.) Then, hopefully she’ll love her room. But I’m prepared for her to be confused and maybe angry or sad. The staff will take over and we will say good bye. Their story is, “of course you still have your house at the beach, but now you also have an apartment close to your daughter. Now you can be independent but also daughter won’t worry about you so far away.” It doesn’t matter that she has lived with me for years, the reality she lives in is that she’s here visiting me and driving home tomorrow. The administrator kW she will believe I found her a lovely apartment close to my house.

I hope it works! I just want her to be content, and know she is cared for.

M1

Hope it goes well. Let us know, everyone's experience can help someone else.