HELP me please

lbhall819

So I’m a 38 yr old caring for my 88 yr old grandma with dementia/alzhiemers at my home. Well she is starting to get physically MAD and throw things at me and hit me with my 2 yr old son around. Someone please tell me what do I do?? I have to learn how to control myself and my mouth and my anger bc i honestly feel like everything she does is on purpose. I say that bc she has been a bitter, miserable, spiteful bitch my entire life!!! So it’s hard for me to tell the difference in her or the disease. She doesn’t want to go to a state facilities or from the things I hear there very bad places. But her mouth and her anger is starting to become more and more frequent. I do not want to deal with this much longer. She has other family that don’t bother to come see her or even call her so I’m basically the only one who is here for her and she treats me like a piece of crap. She says I do nothing for her when I do EVERYTHING:
Cook clean wash clothes doc appts meds pharmacy anything she needs pays her bills bc she can’t do any of it herself!!! But she is so mean and heartless w the things she says and does. How do I just ignored her or differentiate the disease part?? Is there anyone else going thru this??
Thank u

eaglemom

I'm glad that you found us, but I'm so sorry for your situation. It is hard to separate the disease from the person, especially if your grandma was less than pleasant before her diagnosis. One thing I will say, she is not doing it on purpose. I absolutely understand that it feels that way sometimes. Her mind has a disease, its broken, for lack of a better description.

You said she is in your home and that she has other family members. It doesn't matter that they don't come and see her, they are family members. And one of the most important things you said was you have a 2 yr old son. He is where your priorities should be, he should be first and foremost on your mind. His safety followed by yours is vital.

Having stated those facts, its clear grandma might not want to go to a facility, but if another family member doesn't immediately step up that is what needs to happen. Personally, I'm convinced no one ever wants to go to any facility - no matter how nice it is or average, or subpar. No one volunteers because its the right decision. We as granddaughters, daughters, sons, grandsons, aunts, etc have to make that decision for our loved ones because its best for them. And in your case, with a 2 yr old in the house, his safety comes first.

Are you close with those other family members? Again, personally, I would very carefully word an email to everyone of them stating several facts. Try to not have it be an emotional decision. The fact is you can not keep grandma any longer because of your sons safety and yours. Point blank ask for a response as to whom is going to take grandma.

In the mean time start checking into state facilities and how to get your grandmother into one. This is hard, I can't image how many tears you've shed over this situation. But you've done your best, and now its time for grandma to move elsewhere.

eagle

Lucy C

The fact that our loved ones have a disease which greatly diminishes their responsibility does not mean that abuse (emotional or physical) gets a free pass. Your grandmother is behaving abusively, and the effects on your child will be traumatic if not stopped quickly.

You don't say if you have power of attorney for your grandmother, or any family member does. Eaglemom's suggestion about emailing other family members is a good one, but if all else fails, consult a lawyer. I would also connect with your local Area Agency on Aging, and ask to consult with a social worker. You may need to talk to your grandmother's doctor, as well. It's possible, in this case, that medications could reduce the intensity and frequency of her outbursts while you are working on arranging a more suitable placement.

H1235

I think most states have some kind of local commission on aging. I would think they can get you started or pointed in the right direction. I doubt it will be a quick and easy process. If things get too out of hand don’t hesitate to call the police. The key words when trying to get someone with a mental health problem help are “they are a harm to themselves or other”. If you can get her to a hospital insist on treatment to stabilize her and absolutely refuse to take her home. I imagine a guardian would then be appointed. If you don’t have a DPOA and she is not cooperative hospitalization may be your best option. I know this sounds extreme, but your child’s safety must come first! Sorry you are having to go through this.

Jeanne C.

You need to put your son's safety, and your own first. If she's aggressive, call 911 and have her taken to ER so she can be admitted to a geripsych unit. I'm sorry you're going through this. Whoever has power of attorney needs to have her cared for and, most likely placed in a memory care facility.

Please take care of yourself and your son.

NizhoniGrrl

It’s emotionally intense but you need to protect your son. Even if she is not physically violent the emotional abuse can be upsetting to him and cause him issues now and later. Send an SOS to the other relatives with a deadline. And then stick to your word and get her placed where she can be taken care of.

mabelgirl

please take heed the advice given here. You matter as much as your grandma, and your son certainly does. A child witnessing abusive behavior suffers far longer than an adult. Is there any legal claim against your home by grandma? Like is it in her name or does she pay the rent? If not you can tell area agency on aging she must leave in a certain amount of time. That may speed the process of finding her a home without the trauma of th3 ER.

will she willing go to a doctor to get medication to help tamper her agitation while you get into her own place? I would start there to get some immediate relief unless and be honest with yourself , if you do feel she is a threat to your son’s safety. If so I’m afraid the ER route is necessary.

I’ll pray hard for relief for you and good placement for grandma. 🙏🏼

jfkoc

You can not put your child in jeopardy!!!!

Talk to her neurologist immediately.

eaglemom

I was checking to see if you'd read through the posts. I do hope your busy on the phone contacting the proper people to get your grandmother moved from your home. It sounds cold, but it is the correct decision.

Please check in and let us know how its going.

eagle

Smilinpj

So many good suggestions above! First (((((Hugs))))). This disease is hard on the most pleasant of patients. When the patient is mean to start with, or gets mean or angry due to the illness, it is an emotional toll one person alone can't handle. And your son is too young to witness.

The questions - do you have POA? Does she have money? Is the state overrun or do they have room for you make the option to take her there?

And if not, the suggestion to call 911 when she gets abusive is a good one. A friend of mine had to have her mom 'baker-acted' and then they had to find a place for her because she could not be on her own. Now, how exactly that looks for you, I don't know. You may have to take her back in until she has a placement. But no matter what, for your sanity and your son's innocence, help her get the help she needs, and by doing so help your family!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You must take care of you and your son!!!