He has moved out.

Jarmac

I am trying to follow up on my discussion “the straw that broke this camel’s back”. I have got him to move back to his condo but he his having a difficult time adjusting. He is capable of doing all his daily living functions…bathing, dressing, meals, driving, cell phone, etc. I cannot get him to understand and accept that we are a couple who lives separately. He keeps thinking we have broken up and he is devastated. He will go into his speech as to why this is a bad idea. “We are old, we’ve been together for 8 years, he loves me, he doesn’t like his condo, etc” follows up with the question do you love me. However, this speech happens at least 20 times per day…in person and by phone. I have received as many as 25 calls a day. He is also depressed and becoming jealous (new behaviors) I have explained I want to live alone because I have become too stressed and had a mild stroke. I help him with tasks. We do things together every day. His family has not stepped up to help him at his condo. One dinner and some short phone calls. His medical care is thru the Va. I have requested an appointment with neurology. No one has gotten back.. It addition to not remembering he is becoming stubborn and argumentative (new traits) he continues to lose weight. He is sneaky. He bring his laundry over so he can spend time here. Asked to stay and watch tv. Follows me all around and not happy when I ask him to leave. He refers to my asking him to move to his condo as “you threw me out of your house” I feel he needs a tranquilizer to help him, but refuses. His discussions occur everywhere: dances, concerts, dinner, porch, bed and increase at night. He likes to follow me. I was laying down and he wanted to lay down with me. Told him

No. He came back two more times.
Please send your advise. I want to remain a couple but I can’t settle him down. Moving process is a joke Can’t find cell phone chargers, bar soap, shampoo, other random things.

M1

Jarmac, he's not capable of functioning independently. That's the bottom line. He is relying on you in all ways. This is so sad. Does anyone hold power of attorney for him? You may have to involve Adult Protective Services if you truly want out of the situation. I don't think you'll be able to remain a couple.

harshedbuzz

@Jarmac I am sorry you find yourself in this sad spot.

The bottom line here is that there is likely no way you can have the relationship as you wish to define it— that ship has sailed. He's beyond being able to have a relationship of equals— the one with all the benefits of companionship and affection without the onus of increasing caregiving duties in return for fewer and fewer of the benefits. I don't think there's a way for you to be half-in and half-out. You can't be a couple because he can't be half of a couple.

It sounds as though he's progressed fairly well into the middle stages of the disease where he's starting to shadow you and sundown in the evenings. He may not be safe living alone now or for much longer. It sounds like you'd become his caregiver without really noticing the shift in the nature of your relationship aside from it not being what suited you.

It might not be possible to even be a friend to him because he's too far along to understand your reasoning around not wanting to be a caregiver as he likely doesn't recognize (anosognosia) needing one. You may become a trigger for escalating agitation and aggression if you don't behave in a way he expects.

Unless you are his POA agent, I would consider what you want your life to look like for the next 8-10 years. It sounds like you want to tap out and that is reasonable and fair. You may want to contact your Area Agency on Aging to ask about what you might do next to extricate yourself from the situation with safety nets in place to protect him. I suspect, that would mean having APS do a home visit and contact his next-of-kin or even assign him a professional guardian who would liquidate his assets and find a facility for his care if his kids don't step up.

HB

Quilting brings calm

You cannot discuss sonething logically with someone with dementia. They can’t think logically and they can’t remember the conversation. Especially in the area you are discussing.

You may not have broken up with him according to you. That’s not what it feels like to him. You moved him out of your house. In marriage situations, that’s called a separation. However you don’t want to act as if you are separated, except when you want to. You go to dinner, concerts, bed, do things for him….but then you ask him not to come to your house and then to leave it. I wouldn’t know what to think if my spouse behaved that way to me … and I don’t have dementia. He doesn’t understand what it is that you want.

His family isn’t going to step up because you are continuing to behave as his caregiver and his girlfriend. Call them and tell them you are not going to be his caregiver. Tell them that he is on his own unless they step up. Put it in writing- text, email etc. save the text, print out the email. Notify APS of the same. Then don’t be his caregiver. Don’t be his girlfriend. Because girlfriends ARE caregivers of their boyfriends.

Having said that … it is OK if you don’t want to be his caregiver It’s OK if you make things so you aren’t his caregiver. But you actually have to take the steps to quit being his caregiver or you won’t be able to get out of being his caregiver.

midge333

@Jarmac: Great advice above. My two cents is as follows: You are sending your boyfriend mixed messages: you want in and you want out of the relationship. You need to make a big decision and then stick to it. Do you want to be your boyfriend's caregiver for the next decade or do you want to walk away from the relationship? Personally, I would recommend you sever the relationship.

harshedbuzz

@Jarmac

Midge333 makes a good point.

It is the nature of dementia that you will lose the relationship you had with your LO. Whether a person feels that at the time of diagnosis which extinguishes the future you envisioned, as they seem less and less like the person you loved, after they forgotten who you are and were together or even after they've passed.

Unlike an adult child or long-term spouse/life partner, you have the option to make that choice now but you're going to lose him either way.

HB

Iris L.

You say he is sneaky. PWDs cannot remember and they make things up (confabulate). This is not sneakiness, this is the nature of dementia. All of what you posted are characteristics of dementia. There are more coming later. You have to make a decision. Is he the one who was in the cabin in the woods?

Iris

SDianeL

every veteran is assigned a Social Worker. Call his Primary Care doctor and find out who that is and call them. Tell them it’s urgent that he has Dementia and you cannot care for him and he needs help now. Explain he moved to his condo. Do not tell them he can take care of himself! He can’t. They will have a nurse evaluate him. It’s dangerous for him to live alone. I agree that you should not try to remain a couple. He can’t understand that. He needs 24/7 care. If his family won’t step up, the VA may need to place him in memory care. So sorry.

Nowhere

Great advice above! Harsbuzzed said it wonderfully, “You can't be a couple because he can't be half of a couple” (referring to staying together, but living apart).

Dementia is wrought with broken, repetitive emotions, delusions, and paranoias; time and reasoning is impossible for those affected to hold onto. Most of my advanced dementia husband’s ADLs are in place, except he’d never remember to undress, remove his shoes, go to bed, brush his teeth, wash his hair, eat, take his medicine, or shower. He can do all of those things himself, technically, with reminders and stand by step by step assistance.

It’s time to decide if you want to be his primary caregiver, and that can’t be at a distance. He needs monitoring 24/7, whether he’s living at home or in a facility. He’s lost, and this is why he’s so desperately needs to “shadow you”. Living on his own will be hell for him, and you trying to help from a distance. He deserves and requires assistance and redirectioning.

Do you have a good relationship with any of his family? It’s time to reach out to them if you chose not to be his caregiver and see if they’ll make the commitment. If not, notify his VA social worker. He will fight any change at first, no doubt, but when it’s all said and done and he’s in a more controlled, safe, and calm routine, he’ll settle down. There are meds to help with behaviors, as you know, but he cannot manage on his own.

Wishing you peace of mind and physical health. You need to take care of you first. Caregiving for my husband through his middle stages was the hardest job I’ve ever known. I didn’t feel or experience rage, until Alzheimer’s.

trottingalong

This may sound a bit harsh, but it sounds as though you are choosing to see only what you want to see and what you wish for. My DH can do all his ADLs also, but he could NEVER live alone or even be alone for more than a short amount of time. Your LO should not be driving, even though so many people think they are ok because they dont get lost. There’s more skill to driving and a broken brain will fail at some point. My DH got in his truck and couldn’t remember how to roll the window down. That was the end of his driving. I’ve learned that he can do something, until he can’t. At this point it’s a disservice to your LO to continue on the way you are, you cannot wish this away. It’s not fair to him. Someone must step in and help this man because he can’t help himself and everyone around him seems to be in denial. I find that very sad.

Iris L.

Never tell him directly that he can't take care of himself. Read about anosognosia.

Iris

dayn2nite2

This relationship is over. Period. Done. Conduct yourself accordingly, please contact either his social worker at the VA or Adult Protective Services and report he is living by himself without the ability to do so.

Then, walk away. Block his calls, texts, if he comes to your house, call the police. You cannot be a "couple who lives separately" - how did that even come into your mind? He's out, you no longer have caregiving duties. You ARE broken up. He IS actually seeing reality. If you believe you are still a couple, you are the one who isn't living in reality.