What to say before taking DH to a day care place for a first time visit.

nancyj194 · August 27

Hi, I have a question about what to say to my DH before I take him to visit a day care facility tomorrow. I am still his full time care taker with occasional help with our adult children. I am thinking of starting him out one half day a week and going from there, depending on how he does.

He will want to know where we are going, so am not sure what to say. I thought of saying that I want him to be safe when I have to go somewhere, where it is too difficult to take him and our son or dil are not available to stay with him. Other than that, I don't know what to say. He is still verbal, but it is difficult to understand him sometimes when he talks.

He is late stage 5/early stage 6 and is walking so very slowly. When we go to the grocery store, I go get him an electric cart or get a buggy for him to push to the electric carts. He mostly does okay driving the carts. Now and then he gets caught on a corner of something, so I try to be mindful of where I walk.

If anyone else has done this and found the right of best words to say, I would appreciate the suggestions.

Thanks so much.

sandwichone123 · August 29

I wasn't successful taking my spouse to day care, but I have heard people be successful saying that their friend needs help and then asking the staff to assign him jobs (passing out pencils, setting the table, etc.). Some folks have thought it was their new job. Anything other than him needing help seems to work best.

nancyj194 · August 31

Thank you sandwichone for your comment. I took him for a lunchtime visit and it went well. My DIL and son went with us, so that helped. He just calmly went in and we walked him to the room where he was to go and left. Our DIL said the place had gotten high praise and since my DH thinks she is the best, he never said he didn't want to go. I've been taking care of him for well over ten years, since before his official Alzheimer's diagnosis. He has not driven since 2013, which was such a blessing. Anyway, I am starting him out half day a week and we will move to twice a week if all goes well. On the flip side, he eats so very little and always has a light lunch. They serve a large noon meal. His stomach was so distended he didn't want to eat dinner. This morning he is back to normal again with no problems during the night.

He walks/moves so slowly we are happy to get him in the building and into a chair. His feet and ankles are terribly swollen, but he says they do not hurt. We are at the point of not doing anymore tests. I could see that having him help out would have worked early on into his diagnosis, but he's past that, now.

Thank you again!

annie51 · August 31

I have struggled with this topic as well. DH’s reactions to different things are so unpredictable. I do agree that it can’t be worded as help for him. I think he would enjoy being around people but I have a hard time doing the research, phone calls, or visiting day programs because he is always there and I don’t have anyone else right now to stay with him.

Laurie1282 · September 1

My HWA frequently went to morning coffee with friends in his "former" life. When the opportunity came to go to a 4 hour a day respite, I sold it to him as a "church coffee group". He has been going happily for 3 months now and I am so grateful for the time by myself.

nancyj194 · September 1

Annie51, I understand your dilemma with making phone calls and visiting day care programs. The place we went to wanted the spouse to come along, so I took him. Then he was invited back again two days later for lunch. I took him, waited until he was settled in and then left. I returned three hours later. They got him from playing Bingo. After we left, there were no complaints or why was he there, so that was a relief. The food was too much, as they serve a large noon meal and for those there all day, a light morning breakfast and an afternoon snack. DH was too full to want dinner that evening or anything to eat or drink. The next day he was back to normal.

He starts with one half day a week on Thursday and we will go from there.

I am sorry you don't have anyone to stay with him. It isn't easy is it?

nancyj194 · September 1

Laurie1282, that's great the church coffee worked out well. MY DH used to go out with a group of retirees for breakfast every month or so. That ended as they all started dying off.

We stopped going to church when he would say very loudly before the service began, "What are we doing here!" Other times he would wander to the front row looking for our grand children. Then he took so much time getting ready for the service, we ended up walking in late. I gave up.

Nowhere · September 2

About seven years ago, my husband and I started together at the adult day care center, I told him it was a senior’s social club and that we’d check it out as it was going to be a long and wet winter. The director was aware that he didn’t know he had dementia, and so I attended with him twice a week for at least a month. It was so fun! He loved to sing and dance and they did a lot of it. He thought he was performing there, and I gradually backed out of his sight helping with lunch in the kitchen. Eventually, he would go on his own. He could still text back then, and after lunch I would inevitably receive messages from him saying he was “done” and “he’d be waiting for me outside”. I’d text the director to let her know he required redirecting. And she’d get him busy singing or helping in some other way again.

The first time I drove off, leaving him there, I rolled down the window and took deep breaths of the fresh Oregon Coast air. He was my delusional, paranoid, lost, and best friend- shadow, really, and I felt like I was slowly dying under the weight of his confusion and mental deterioration.

Thank God for adult day cares and when/if the time comes, like it did for us four years ago, for memory care residential facilities, too. My husband’s illness and behaviors caused my moving him into a smaller, routined, locked mcf. Looking back I think we’ve both learned how to live without expecting happiness. Life isn’t fair. When we feel joy, as we sometimes do now, it’s such a blessing and certainly isn’t taken for granted.

midge333 · September 2

@Nowhere : Thank you for sharing. You put into words what I am feeling nearly everyday. And I am certain that I am not alone.

"He was my delusional, paranoid, lost, and best friend- shadow, really, and I felt like I was slowly dying under the weight of his confusion and mental deterioration".

nancyj194 · September 6

Nowhere you said it so very well about rolling down the window for a breath of fresh Oregon air.

Life isn't fair, but it is important to enjoy those fresh air moments.

Yesterday, I took DH to his first day care visit and he is enjoying being there. I was so relieved I didn't get the, "why am I here and what is this place." They are doing something right where he is. This is also so different from how he was before Alzheimer's became a part of his life. Before then, he would have refused to go or not been happy with something or other.

Next week, there is a support group meeting, so I will attend that, which I am looking forward to. Starting the week after, I will ask them to add another day. Eventually, I want to make it all day instead of half days.

Just breathe.