What to say before taking DH to a day care place for a first time visit.

nancyj194

Hi, I have a question about what to say to my DH before I take him to visit a day care facility tomorrow. I am still his full time care taker with occasional help with our adult children. I am thinking of starting him out one half day a week and going from there, depending on how he does.

He will want to know where we are going, so am not sure what to say. I thought of saying that I want him to be safe when I have to go somewhere, where it is too difficult to take him and our son or dil are not available to stay with him. Other than that, I don't know what to say. He is still verbal, but it is difficult to understand him sometimes when he talks.

He is late stage 5/early stage 6 and is walking so very slowly. When we go to the grocery store, I go get him an electric cart or get a buggy for him to push to the electric carts. He mostly does okay driving the carts. Now and then he gets caught on a corner of something, so I try to be mindful of where I walk.

If anyone else has done this and found the right of best words to say, I would appreciate the suggestions.

Thanks so much.

sandwichone123

I wasn't successful taking my spouse to day care, but I have heard people be successful saying that their friend needs help and then asking the staff to assign him jobs (passing out pencils, setting the table, etc.). Some folks have thought it was their new job. Anything other than him needing help seems to work best.

nancyj194

Thank you sandwichone for your comment. I took him for a lunchtime visit and it went well. My DIL and son went with us, so that helped. He just calmly went in and we walked him to the room where he was to go and left. Our DIL said the place had gotten high praise and since my DH thinks she is the best, he never said he didn't want to go. I've been taking care of him for well over ten years, since before his official Alzheimer's diagnosis. He has not driven since 2013, which was such a blessing. Anyway, I am starting him out half day a week and we will move to twice a week if all goes well. On the flip side, he eats so very little and always has a light lunch. They serve a large noon meal. His stomach was so distended he didn't want to eat dinner. This morning he is back to normal again with no problems during the night.

He walks/moves so slowly we are happy to get him in the building and into a chair. His feet and ankles are terribly swollen, but he says they do not hurt. We are at the point of not doing anymore tests. I could see that having him help out would have worked early on into his diagnosis, but he's past that, now.

Thank you again!

annie51

I have struggled with this topic as well. DH’s reactions to different things are so unpredictable. I do agree that it can’t be worded as help for him. I think he would enjoy being around people but I have a hard time doing the research, phone calls, or visiting day programs because he is always there and I don’t have anyone else right now to stay with him.

Laurie1282

My HWA frequently went to morning coffee with friends in his "former" life. When the opportunity came to go to a 4 hour a day respite, I sold it to him as a "church coffee group". He has been going happily for 3 months now and I am so grateful for the time by myself.

nancyj194

Annie51, I understand your dilemma with making phone calls and visiting day care programs. The place we went to wanted the spouse to come along, so I took him. Then he was invited back again two days later for lunch. I took him, waited until he was settled in and then left. I returned three hours later. They got him from playing Bingo. After we left, there were no complaints or why was he there, so that was a relief. The food was too much, as they serve a large noon meal and for those there all day, a light morning breakfast and an afternoon snack. DH was too full to want dinner that evening or anything to eat or drink. The next day he was back to normal.

He starts with one half day a week on Thursday and we will go from there.

I am sorry you don't have anyone to stay with him. It isn't easy is it?

nancyj194

Laurie1282, that's great the church coffee worked out well. MY DH used to go out with a group of retirees for breakfast every month or so. That ended as they all started dying off.

We stopped going to church when he would say very loudly before the service began, "What are we doing here!" Other times he would wander to the front row looking for our grand children. Then he took so much time getting ready for the service, we ended up walking in late. I gave up.

Nowhere

About seven years ago, my husband and I started together at the adult day care center, I told him it was a senior’s social club and that we’d check it out as it was going to be a long and wet winter. The director was aware that he didn’t know he had dementia, and so I attended with him twice a week for at least a month. It was so fun! He loved to sing and dance and they did a lot of it. He thought he was performing there, and I gradually backed out of his sight helping with lunch in the kitchen. Eventually, he would go on his own. He could still text back then, and after lunch I would inevitably receive messages from him saying he was “done” and “he’d be waiting for me outside”. I’d text the director to let her know he required redirecting. And she’d get him busy singing or helping in some other way again.

The first time I drove off, leaving him there, I rolled down the window and took deep breaths of the fresh Oregon Coast air. He was my delusional, paranoid, lost, and best friend- shadow, really, and I felt like I was slowly dying under the weight of his confusion and mental deterioration.

Thank God for adult day cares and when/if the time comes, like it did for us four years ago, for memory care residential facilities, too. My husband’s illness and behaviors caused my moving him into a smaller, routined, locked mcf. Looking back I think we’ve both learned how to live without expecting happiness. Life isn’t fair. When we feel joy, as we sometimes do now, it’s such a blessing and certainly isn’t taken for granted.

midge333

@Nowhere : Thank you for sharing. You put into words what I am feeling nearly everyday. And I am certain that I am not alone.

"He was my delusional, paranoid, lost, and best friend- shadow, really, and I felt like I was slowly dying under the weight of his confusion and mental deterioration".

nancyj194

Nowhere you said it so very well about rolling down the window for a breath of fresh Oregon air.

Life isn't fair, but it is important to enjoy those fresh air moments.

Yesterday, I took DH to his first day care visit and he is enjoying being there. I was so relieved I didn't get the, "why am I here and what is this place." They are doing something right where he is. This is also so different from how he was before Alzheimer's became a part of his life. Before then, he would have refused to go or not been happy with something or other.

Next week, there is a support group meeting, so I will attend that, which I am looking forward to. Starting the week after, I will ask them to add another day. Eventually, I want to make it all day instead of half days.

Just breathe.

M1

that’s good news Nancy, glad for you.

terei

”We are going to coffee(lunch?) at the senior center.”. They get him occupied…you leave

JudyVE

All your comments on this topic are so helpful! I toured an adult day care center today, and will be taking next steps to enroll my DH. I was told it won’t start until early January. DH needs more socialization and stimulation than I can give him. I too feel like I am slowly dying under the weight of his deterioration. But at the same time, I want to keep him at home as long as I possibly can. I hope he takes well to the program and doesn’t get too anxious when I’m not there. The first visit will be 2 hours and I’ll stay. The next one or two will be 1/2 days when I will drop him off and leave. I have taken him to some memory cafes and other programs sponsored by local elder services. If I tell him it’s a program at the senior center with lunch/coffee, maybe it won’t seem strange.

nancyj194

JudyVE

I think you are on the right track. The first visit we had with DH was like yours, where we stayed. Then I took him and he stayed four hours. It went well. After the second week, I increased it to all day for for seven hours two times a week.

It was going well until a couple of weeks ago, he came home and said a man was calling him names and said he would have to get used to it. I called the next day and the man was removed from DH's group. Since then it has been going fine, except my DH said a week or so ago, he would rather just stay home and not go. He wants to sleep in his chair, work a puzzle and watch the fireplace I put on TV each day, from youtube, which is quite calming for him.

I gave him reasons why he needs to be at the day care center and so he said okay. One was it helps for him to move around with his swollen feet and ankles. Then I said our DIL, who he loves dearly and is an RN, said one of the doctor's she worked with said going to the Resource Center is good for him and helps with so many things. This was a fiblet of sorts, but DH said okay.

Last week I noticed DH was playing with his nipples again. He unbottons his golf type shirt and plays with them. I was so taken aback when he did this last summer, but he stopped after a week or so. I am concerned they will not let him come any longer, to the day care, if he keeps this up while he is there. It really seems obsessive and not like he can control it. I tell him it is inapporpriate and he should go to his bedroom, but he does not. Tomorrow I shall call our PCP office and see if they can prescribe him Seroquel or what they might recommend.

I really have enjoyed my time since DH has gone to day care. Like you, I feel like I am dying under this weight of deterioration. I make sure all of my appointments are scheduled at that time and I also do my grocery and Costco shopping on those days.

Wishing you the best.

ghphotog

I would tell my DW we were going to an activity center. Daycares that specialize in dementia or are very familiar will wisk them inside and basically tell you to have a good day.

__Dolly__

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70434/what-to-say-before-taking-dh-to-a-day-care-place-for-a-first-time-visit

Hi! I tried getting my DH involved in other activities at the senior center other than his art class but he doesn’t want to do that unless I’m also in that activity. However, our senior center won’t allow me to join since I do not meet their age requirement of 55. I tried to explain that due to his VD, I am hoping for an exception but failed. My DH then decided that we will just do activities together. Maybe it would have worked if I just introduced myself as his caregiver. But still they insist that due to insurance issues, I cannot join in their activities and have to wait outside in the lobby. Of course my DH didn’t like that.

ThisLife

I traveled back to our home state for work for two years and used respite. The third year I went back he was not coming home.

When I got back, I told him the doctor wanted him to stay and get physical therapy which was happening. Since he had anosognosia, that didn't fly. The doctors and staff were nuts. (He used stronger language.) Other medical excuses did not work as there was nothing wrong with him. Not the falls which he never had because he couldn't remember them. He was fine and he needed to come home which after some questioning was wherever I was.

He enjoyed himself as long as I wasn't around. Staff sent pictures and videos. I visited and saw him participating with enthusiasm.

When he ended up in a Psych unit, the psychiatrist shared they told him he would go home in five more days. That worked pretty well. He wasn't happy, but it diverted the anger.