We Moved—WISE OR NOT?

WIGO23

My first post to the forum was last October. I asked about the moving to be near family after an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. I was seeking stories of others who did.

After much thought, I made the decision to move near our daughter and son in law. It was a three states away move.

I say “I” made the decision because my DH is no longer a decision making partner as he has been for over 50 years of marriage. I miss that so much and don’t really want this unilateral power. But it is the only thing that works in this new universe we dwell in that I call “Unreal Reality”.

The move has been very hard. I am doing my best to adjust but I miss my hometown. I miss my brother I left behind. I miss our friends. I just miss the way things were before ALZ hit us like a semi-trailer truck.

But our daughter has been lovely in giving me respite time by spending time with her Dad. They have coffee every Friday morning; she takes him to the law library (she is a law professor) and she calls me everyday just to check in. Our son in law takes DH to the golf practice range every week and introduced him to virtual golf.

I have yet to find any friends here (3 months in) and I am lonely. But I have hope things will get better.

I have no advice for anyone whether to move or not because of ALZ. I think, just like EVERYTHING this disease brings, you simply must cope day by day, hour by hour and do your best with each day. You make decisions with the information at hand and live with uncertainty as your constant companion.

​fesk

It seems like there are definite positives to the move for you and your husband. In time, I'm sure you will make some friends and adjust. I also think you are spot on about day by day, doing the best we can with uncertainty.

I wish you the very best of luck.

M1

Glad to hear from you and hear your update, i remember your posts. I'm sure it's early days yet for settling in, and you probably haven't had much time to yourself yet. Socializing is hard in this setting. I'm wondering whether a local spousal support group might be a place to start? Do stay in touch and keep us posted.

clarinetist

My DH and I also moved to be close to our daughter. M1 has great advice. My first friends in our new city were members of our Alz. Assn. support group for people with a diagnosis and their spouses. Three years later, i still meet regularly with the spouses; their friendships has been a great support to me, and I hope I’ve been a support to them too.

Quilting brings calm

Use the respite time to get out and about. An exercise or yoga class. Strike up conversations I the grocery line. Eventually something will click.
I think you did the write thing. Your family has stepped up and that’s what you need. Maybe brother can come visit?

elainechem

I moved when my husband was somewhere in stage 5. I only moved from a rural area to a nearby city where there were better services and we were nearer to healthcare. Hubby didn't want to move, but he had no choice. It was all my decision. After awhile, he almost entirely forgot about our old home where we had lived for 26 years and raised our children. It was sad, but I still don't regret the move. He died early in 2020.

WIGO23

I found an in person support group for ALZ caregivers which I will try next meeting.

WinnieCle0

I can echo your first post almost line for line. My husband and I have been married 48 years. We moved a year and a half ago, just in time for my health to take a serious turn for the worse. I purchased a home and immediately engaged full time care sitters for both of us.
I have a friend that comes daily and does errands for us. My daughter is a physician and helps keep me and him in working order. I can drive but I find myself that little ole lady that I hated to drive behind. It has been recommended that I fine a "local" support group to talk with others that care for DH spouses. This is my first toe into those waters. Reading the posts of others has let me know there is like beyond these four walls

Laurie1282

I moved my husband with Alzheimer's across the country to be near my son and his family, to live in a smaller more manageable home and yard and to get out of Midwest winters. I have no regrets although I do miss my friends, family and active social life in our old home. I do make sure I call and text those friends regularly to maintain those relationships.

I have slowly been meeting some people but am not all that interested or able to do things outside our home yet. When my husband goes to memory care (he is beginning Stage 6 now), I plan to start going to church again, looking for a new book club and bridge group and seeking out some women friends. I am only in my mid 60's so have a lot of life yet to live, even though it will be heartbreaking to go on without my husband.

Good luck to you! I can see a light at the end of my tunnel and hope you will too.

smebert

my DH was diagnosed 6 mo. ago with Alz based on memory issues, loss of balance, falls. MRI revealed generalized cerebral atrophy, more than expected for age and amyloid plaque present in blood. He has been declining faster physically than cognitively over the past 6 wks. Our problem is, all bedrooms and showers are on 2nd floor. I have added a second rail on the stairs but he really should not be using them. I could turn a living room into a bedroom and get help getting him upstairs for showering, get a chair lift, but worried because he is most unsteady getting up from sitting, get a lift(elevator type that goes through ceiling. Retro fit a powder room with a shower for 28-34,00, or move to a ranch home. Lots of options, each with their own pros and cons. Has anyone else dealt with this dilemma? Hate being the decision maker.

sandwichone123

Smebert, probably it would be easier to consider other options for washing up. Showers are pretty new in the scheme of things, and there are ways to get him cleaned up that wouldn't involve going up stairs at all. If you can convert part of the downstairs to a bedroom he'd be fine with sponge baths. They often start refusing to shower at all about this stage anyway. One of our members' spouse went for years on sponge baths.

mrahope

FWIW, my DH and I also moved (about 250 miles) into a small college town where our DS, DDIL and my granddaughter were living. I got so much good help from having them there, including helping to place him in MC about 8 months after we moved. I would concur that it is tough to build a social network when one of the partners has dementia. And I was largely kept from doing so because my DH refused to be accompanied even by DS so I could leave the house to sing in a choir for two hours. Once we placed him in MC about 4 months ago, it has become much easier to get out and about, even when I have to push myself to do so. It's early days yet, but I'm finding that trying a wide range of activities helps me to see what I want to do and what kinds of people I want to spend time with. I haven't yet tried a support group, but I'm not ruling it out, either.

tucson anne

I live in Arizona and do not want to continue living here because the summers are too hot and too long. For almost 20 years we went for the entire summer and early fall to our vacation home in Vermont, but I sold it last year—travel back and forth too arduous (cat, TSA, airport, rental car….). This is the first full summer back here and it's impossible. You cannot do anything from 8 am until midnight. No walks, only quick errands in and out of a blazing car. We belong to the local zoo, two botanical gardens and I can take classes at the U of A, but the outdoor places are not feasible for summer outings.

My husband is pretty firmly in stage 5. I have been exploring memory care facilities here, and found a few that are okay. But that still leaves me in the torrid zone for 5 months. So I've been thinking—move across the country to Richmond VA where son, daughter in law and two granddaughters live. Move him immediately to memory care, me to? Maybe a life care place, despite the cost , for me (they won't take him due to diagnosis). I'm 79, he's 80, this month. My other son and family lives in St Paul MN which is not feasible (cold indoors for 5 months).

Is this a crazy idea? For those of you who moved, how did you handle the logistics (sell old home, get rid of stuff (doing this now), do the move after finding new place. Exploring for new place when you are all the way across the country and have no way to leave DH for a week or three to explore? The car? The cat?

I do have support here, but I'd love, once he is in MC, to be able to resume outdoor activities as well as indoor. I've lived in Baltimore so I know about hot and humid but it only lasts 3 months and isn't every single day (maybe most days). Richmond has good museums, I assume music and theater. Son there is supportive, DIL not so much. I don't expect them to do much—the idea is I can see the grandkids once a week and I'm in a secure place once I start down the path to assisted living(reason for considering the life care place). Finances are okay, I think.

Any comments, suggestions, criticism greatfully received.

M1

Anne I don't envy you having to make such a choice. I fantasize about starting over somewhere new when my partner dies, but it feels daunting in reality. Your idea about MC for him and supported living for you is a good one, I think. My only thought is that when it comes to brass tacks caregiving in families, it almost always falls to the women, so you do have to consider how this DIL will behave when your needs increase.

I think with the logistics of the move, you do whatever is easiest on you. Could you consider a 30-day respite stay in MC for your DH while you plan an extended trip to Richmond to visit facilities and make plans?

It is a sad reality that Arizona is becoming unlivable. I think that many who can afford to are gong to leave, like you are.

WIGO23

Anne,
I handled the moving logistics with a great deal of help from our daughter. She did the long distance house hunting for me and did FaceTime videos of the short list of the houses I liked. I never physically saw the house before buying it. I knew the neighborhood where we moved because our daughter lives 1/4 mile from where we bought. There was a great advantage in that.

A friend who was a realtor did a great job marketing the home we left and it sold in one day. We used the PODS moving system which was a great decision because you have a full month (more if you need it) to pack and then unload your POD. I hired help to load it and unload load it. PODs handles the transport. I packed everything we took and separated out what we didn’t. We took our time packing and unpacking which was less stressful than a rush to get things done.. I donated a lot of things to Habitat for Humanity Reuse, Goodwill and a local charity called Homes for All. I don’t miss a thing we donated.

Our moving timing worked out because we closed on our new home ten days before we had to vacate our sold home. Timing is important.

Moving is always stressful. My DH decompensated a bit the first three weeks after the move but he did go back to his prior functioning level.

I wish you the best in this difficult decision.

harshedbuzz

@tucson anne

My parents moved back to where I live when my dad was initially diagnosed in the middle stages.

I was the logistics person for the move which involved 2 houses in different states, 3 cars and transitioning 2 80-somethings with a lot of medical issues to a new care team. Four months later, mom was unhappy in her apartment, and I did it all over again albeit locally. My mom looked after my dad once he was discharged from rehab after a hospitalization and I did everything else using POAs.

Because this was an unplanned move, it was done on the fly. I might have made different choices given the luxury of time and I'm certain mom would have had she proactively made the move when she could have done so on her own.

What worked well for me:

I found it best to get dad situated in their new place (a 55+ active adult community) with mom and work behind his back to sell their primary residence in MD. I moved some of their furniture and household items as well as their second car as part of this move. This meant significant repairs (dad refused to fix things as part of his dementia), staging and dealing with the sale. After the house sold, I had the rest of the things mom wanted moved to a storage facility near the apartment. Mom signed all the settlement paperwork at her CELA's office and I delivered it for closing. I had to hand off some keys, garage door openers and clean out their safe deposit box otherwise it would have been couriered.

Mom was desperately unhappy in the apartment. It was lovely, but smaller than they were used to. She was still processing all of the consequences of his diagnosis and was angry much of the time so tripping over one another wasn't ideal. I tried to interest her in a CCRC; my top choice wouldn't take dad, but a few nice ones locally would have. Mom wanted a house. I found mom a house in a 55+ community similar to the one in which they spent winters in FL. It's an ideal location for her now that she's in stage 8— they have a pool and clubhouse and she's a short walk to shopping and dining. The house has a first-floor owner's suite and is ideal for aging-in-place.

Despite their unhappiness in the apartment, it gave mom a chance to get the lay of the land, so to speak, and not have to rush into a place that won't serve you well going forward. A short-term rental or Airbnb would give you some wiggle room to find the right place.

Sidebar: One difference I have noticed about this community vs the ones in which they lived previously (FL and coastal/resort MD) is that the retirees living here are folks who opted to stay local near family, friends, faith communities, etc. It makes for a different vibe compared to a place where people have all moved away from their roots and are actively open to building a social network. My mom's neighbors are nice enough, but they seem to have all the friends they need. Plus, she's older than most of her neighbors and sort of invisible to the "younger folks" moving in. When we go to the pool together, nobody acknowledges her, but they all say hi to me. It's sad. I think a CCRC would have been a better fit for her especially now that she no longer drives.

The weekend we made the move to the house, mom and dad stayed in a local hotel together while movers brought things from the apartment and storage unit. My niece, son and I unpacked and set up the place so that it was turn-key Sunday after dinner. Beds were made, electronics connected, and all boxes moved out. I highly recommend moving behind your DH's back. FWIW, we didn't notice any obvious decline from either move.

While we were planning the house purchase, I worked with a Realtor in FL to do a seasonal rental of the house in FL as well as list it for sale. I handled everything by phone/email and had a great agent unlike the bozos that were recommended to me in MD. The rental agent got all of the personal things packed up and stowed in the garage and we were selling turn-key so it was pretty simple to sort through the stuff and load a PODS. My niece came with me for a couple days. I shipped the 3rd car, a classic roadster I wasn't comfortable driving 1000 miles home, using a transport company. The car made it back to PA before I did. The PODS turned up a week later. Before I left, I signed the settlement papers using the POA.

I set both parents up with a new PCP who gave mom a stack of referrals for her many health issues and a couple of dad's conditions.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

HB

Maru

We did the same thing a year ago. We were living at 7000 feet elevation and we had some family support there, but breathing became too difficult in the higher elevation. We moved near two of our other children who live near sea level.

It was only after our move that DH was diagnosed with ALZ, but that explained why all of the decisions about the move fell to me. It was overwhelming, to say the least. At the time, I thought he was just being accomodating, but, in fact, he couldn't manage to make a decision. We are older than you and making new couple friends is probably not going to happen as he seems to be slipping more rapidly. We still go to church weekly, and we have really good relationhips with our son and daughter and their spouses. This is the bulk of our socialization, which is fine. I'm 84, have leukemia and have a limited amount of energy, and that is largely spent on essentials. DH takes up a goodly quanity of it.

Still, if I were more social and had the energy, I would be joining a Bible study group or a knitting group or some other group just to make the effort . Even if you are the caretaker, so long as your loved one can be left alone for a few hours, you can be around other adults. It is not too late to make new friends.