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Merla · August 30

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M1 · August 30

My partner does the same thing about other residents and staff at her MC. The filter is gone. I have not found a way to stop her except to just not put her in situations that could prompt it—lunch in the dining room is a big one, so we tend to eat in her room. I think she is more likely to do it when there is someone like me there to say it to.

I think rather than trying to shush her it may be time to stop taking her to your daughter's school. I know that's sad and hard, but….it's all a matter of picking your poisons here. Some people having cards printed up saying that their LO has dementia and ask for understanding/patience. I guess that's something else you could try.

harshedbuzz · August 30

@Merla

It's common for PWD to lose their social filter which results in this sort of behavior. My dad burned through social circles in 2 states sharing his opinions. This behavior impacted my mom mostly, because it alienated and isolated her when dad became persona non grata.

For us, hearing loss played into his volume levels which caused him to speak more loudly than appropriate when his hearing aids weren't precisely tuned. There was a time when dad still looked "OK" when we limited the size of his world. I regret not doing it sooner. Pre-diagnosis, he managed to ruin my time at my son's Eagle Court of Honor and a college graduation with his behavior. FTR, he and mom invited themselves. I didn't want them to come as they'd moved away when he was in kindie, weren't a part of either achievement and just left me on edge waiting for him to offend someone which he did.

Since you can anticipate this behavior, I would not risk including her in any setting in which she might insult or hurt the feelings of anyone in your DD's sphere. You wouldn't want your DD disincluded from a birthday party because she smarted off at a parent or have a teacher address your child's behavior in the context of coming from a less than nice family.

I can appreciate that this will mean compartmentalizing your life and your little girl not having a close grandmother experience you might have wanted for them. But wishing won't make it so.

HB

Anonymousjpl123 · August 31

She likely won’t be able to filter. It is sad. My mom made a comment in a dictor’s office I was mortified by. She told someone my age she hadn’t seen in a long time “you look so old.” The only thing that helped me was that half the people in her AL/MC made the same kind of comments to me. It can’t be helped. Best thing is to avoid taking her to places it would hurt you. I have never taken my mom anywhere near work people, and only have visits with very very close friends.

It is really true: the filter is gone. I wish i had recognized her disease sooner. Looking back, there were several times in the years before diagnosis where she got details of my life wrong (e.g. introducing me to friends with the wrong job and profession, saying inappropriate things when I introduced her to someone I was dating) that I now realize were truly not her fault. I also tried to keep her active in events far longer than I should have, and it always ended awkwardly as I realized she couldn’t handle it. I thought I was doing right by her.

Now, I don’t put her in those positions if possible and it is better for everyone. It is so hard to see her life get smaller, but will be so much better for you and her to keep social events to what she can handle.

Smilinpj · August 31

Funny, I thought it was just my Dad! LOL Mom has AD, dad had D. Mom doesn't notice anyone else, Dad says things like, "Do you see the size of the guy?" And he will repeat it a few times as I try to distract. It's either weight or strange hairdos. I don't know why as I don't remember him ever being so judgmental, but apparently it comes out now! LOL On a sadder note, today was the first time my mom was looking directly in my dad's face and stated that she couldn't find him. I could see by the look on my dad's face that it hurt. ((sigh))

Mona D · September 2

My mom, too. So nice to know we aren't alone. I thought about getting some apology cards made. So grateful for this forum.

H1235 · September 3

Before mom was diagnosed we saw a cousin at a funeral. They hadn’t seen mom in a while and said they would stop by her house the next time they were in town for a visit. Mom says “oh god no don’t do that” with no explanation. (Mom was making bad decisions and not taking care of herself. She allowed my niece and her three kids to live with her. The house was in very very bad shape. Filthy) Their eyes got big and their mouth dropped open. No one new what to say, myself included.

harshedbuzz · September 3

@Merla You are exactly describing the loss of social filter.

Yes, this is nothing new. Yes, this is behavior she's displayed your entire life. The difference is, she's lost the discretion to be subtle in pointing this out to you. It could be compounded by a loss of empathy (which is distinct for sympathy) which is the ability to anticipate how another person might feel in a situation— she may not realize what she's saying is hurtful.

HB