Sometimes I Forget

Stan2

There are other stressors in our lives and when they add up and I get anxious and grouchy sometimes I forget that she really doesn't know that the question she just asked is the same as it was the 20 other times she asked. That just happened. I snapped at her and she got her feelings hurt. I tell myself I have to do better, but I know it will happen again, I just have to remember to engage the brain before the mouth.

ThisLife

You will get better with practice. In this case practice doesn't make perfect, but it makes better. We've all been there. A hug and a smile will go a long way. Give yourself grace. Just as she doesn't know she has asked the same question multiple times; she won't remember her hurt feelings very long either. We're all on this together.

Nowhere

Stan2 - the fact that you recognize this and have posted about it is half the battle. You’re only human, so go easy on yourself. This disease is unrelenting. Your patience with repeated questions will get easier with time.

/STEVE

I have this same problem. First I tell myself it is OK to get mad some times. `Sometime I will ask her what she think the answer is. Sometime I will ask her if my pant make my but look big. Sometime I will ask her what she is doing, Sometime I will ask her to get me a glass of water. or ask if she has seen my keys any where. anything to get her thinking about something else.

Denise1847

I am the same. I pray every day for more patience and wisdom, compassion and restraint. This is an impossible situation we have been dealt. Unless we are superhuman, I believe this is going to happen. What is important is for us to recognize it and work on getting better.

CampCarol

I struggle every single day with this. While I do believe I’ve improved, I have never been a person with a lot of patience. I have a bad habit of just blurting out what’s on my mind, and that’s led to some horrible situations with my DH. It doesn’t help that some of what comes out of his mouth is some of the most hurtful, horrible, mean statements he’s ever made to me. And although he doesn’t always know what’s happening, he still appears to know just how to push my buttons in a negative way. I too pray that time will help with this, and I’ll be able to take deep breath, a step back and/or walk away when this happens in the future.

Stan2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221272#Comment_221272

Non of us are perfect and patience was never one of my virtues. My DW is still the sweet, kind, generous person that she always has been, she just has virtually no short term memory. She doesn't deserve harsh words from me.

M1

Stan the repetition is very hard to deal with. There is an otherwise very sweet resident in our MC but she is on repeat about every ten seconds. It drives everyone crazy, including my partner, the aides, and multiple other residents. I think you can forgive yourself for losing it here and there.

midge333

@Stan2:

This has been very hard for me as well. I am getting more patient with time but I still have a long way to go. Please be kind to yourself! I would guess that what you are feeling is nearly universal amongst spouse caregivers.

WIGO23

I do not like the person I have become (at times) since ALZ’s moved into our home. I know it is the disease not my DH deliberately repeating a story over and over; deliberately making the same mistake over and over; deliberately asking me the same question over and over; following me everywhere I go in and out of our home; and then me firing up like a blow torch saying something like “I can’t live like this” or “Please just leave me alone for five minutes!”

i don’t like that me when I behave like that but I have done it and I undoubtedly will do it again. I am human, imperfect and facing the greatest challenge of our lives together. And simply put, I get tired both physically and emotionally exhausted at times.

But I am here with him at his side in all the cruelty of this disease. It is happening to both of us. I am doing my best to keep my promise made nearly fifty two years ago, “in sickness and in health”.

I love the parts of him I still have. I will always love the way his was.

Caro_Lynne

WIG023, thank you for putting into words the way I feel xo

DrNani

I have the same feeling about myself. I say, I you move than I hate myself. Feeling so exhausted,😴 needing a break, but fearful. I worry when I am away from her and I feel annoyed most of the day. My DW, just creates more work. Asking her Tj switch on a light switch tortures me, she can’t find it. So I’ve marked them out on and off on the light plate, she still cans fuse the switch, I had to put yell reflective tape, wire the word on/off for her to push the toggle. Still I have a 10% chance of her actually successfully switching the light on. She tries to tell me yes, if I ask a striwht up:question, like did you eat breakfast? YES, I get so upset when I learn she lied to me, but it’s the “DEMON-Cha” not her. Right? Her decl8 e has been rapid from mild to severe in 6 months. She tells me I will change. I’ll be better. Especially, when what she does costs us money…. I don’t know how shen does. It, but the bathroom is a huge issue and we have ours connected to our kitchen as our lives had been transition to build our forever Home. I wish I had done more at a younger age, not saved like we had, she worked until 70. The pandemic just destroyed our futures, and our plans. I hate who I became, but I do still love her more. Than I hate me. Which is almost immeasurable at this point. I am working on trying not sharing my feelings or frustrations around her, just silence. 🤫.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221468#Comment_221468

Ditto for me too, WIG023. Very eloquently put.

M1

DrNani, one of the very hard lessons is to give up all expectations that she can do anything that she used to do- even light switches. She can't. You will be less frustrated when you accept this and quit trying to fix it. You can't ask her to find anything, do anything, or answer any question. She's not deliberately lying to you, she can't remember whether she ate breakfast or not. So you don't ask. It's very hard to get used to. But it's why you don't really have a partner any more. Very sad and very hard.

ImMaggieMae

WIGO23, ditto for me as well. You expressed my feelings perfectly.

DrNani, I can relate. I love him more than I hate myself for my impatience. Sometimes I can go a whole day or two without losing it. Then one of the dementia behaviors comes up and I say things I don’t mean when it is the disease, not him who isn’t responding in the way I wanted.