Here we go again -Sorry this is long

notagain123

There's nothing like a toxic family to make caregiving unbearable. I spent 7 years caregiving for two elderly family members with dementia. I have two siblings that questioned absolutely EVERYTHING and would not listen to me even though I was the one doing the actual work. I spent as much time explaining and defending decisions as I did actual caregiving. Because the siblings disagreed with my decisions they coaxed my remaining healthy parent into changing their POA. It took me well over a year to regain my mental health after the first two family members passed. It is now three years after the last one passed. The sibling that coaxed my remaining healthy parent into signing over their POA tried to get them to sign over their property in exchange for maintaining it…..which they were not asked to do. This ticked off my parent and they wanted to change the POA back to me. I really didn't want to take it on but I also don't want to see my parent at the mercy of my sibling in their waning years. I explained in great detail to my parent the problems that were going on behind the scenes and that I would only take the POA back if it was clear that I would be standing my ground with my siblings and it would probably get ugly. They agreed. My second sibling is a borderline narcissist. Insists on being in charge, bullies, etc. It was clear they were testing the waters with another matter so I sat them down with my parent in the room. Explained the behaviors that were causing problems in the moment were the same behaviors that caused problems during the first round of caregiving. I was very calm, and very clear about it. I set the boundary that if I saw the behavior regarding my parent's care that I would be telling them to back off and if they didn't I would be cutting off all contact with them. Here's the rub: I'm medical POA, and this sibling is durable POA. I am trying to avoid the problems we had the first go-around with caregiving. This boundary is essential for maintaining my mental and physical health. Sibling did NOT take this well. I want to make sure I'm correct here. If I make a MEDICAL decision, durable POA MUST ensure the bill is paid out of the parents accounts and CANNOT withhold payment because they disagree with the decision?

SusanB-dil

HI notagain welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I see a lot of siblings not on the same page, and yeah, that sucks, especially if one seems to be looking out for their own interest. In this case, it really sounds like conflict-of-interest, and you probably need to check for legal advice.

Also, please do what you need to take care of yourself. Sorry you are dealing with all that.

M1

I guess the other alternative would be to remove yourself as medical POA and then you're out of the loop. Could you live with that? Might be the best answer. Very difficult to have them split like that.

notagain123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221310#Comment_221310

Actually, I suggested this. I live closest to the parent, so it makes sense that I am the go-to person. I have tried, "You want to make the decisions, you do the work" approach. What the siblings want is to make the decisions and have me carry them out. That doesn't work for me. Having to travel long distances to take care of the parent doesn't work for them.

M1

Very hard to step back and just let it happen, especially if it involves some risk to your mother. But I think you are right to take that approach. You have every right to just say that you are not willing to serve as medical POA any more and can officially resign, in writing an notarized if necessary. And let the chips fall.

Quilting brings calm

I would not be medical POA without durable POA in this instance. It’s not good to have that authority split up even when everyone is getting along and pulling their weight. When you aren’t getting along, your sibling is going to think you are just spending moms assets. You are going to think your sibling is hoarding the money for spite or personal gain.

I had Medical POA for my step-dad and no one had durable POA because he refused to give it to me and he was estranged from my siblings and step-siblings. That was a nightmare in itself.

mabelgirl

With the split authorizations, I think you already know it won’t work regardless of the legalities of whether they have to pay a bill for service they didn’t agree with. You need to be firm it’s all or nothing , either they do it all or you handle it all. That may mean the remaining parent may have to move to be closer to the sibling, although I’m not clear if that parent also has dementia. If they don’t have dementia the DPOA is not actively needed and your parent can decide , I would think.
Prayers for cooperation.