toddler grandchild - advice?

T. Slothrop

My wife has been in MC for 2 months; she is adjusting well, making friends there, participating with activities, and is loved by the staff for her infectious high energy, and her eager engagement with the other residents. It can be hard for me to visit sometimes, because she wants to come with me when I leave. I tell a standard fiblet, and promise I will come back soon.

We have a granddaughter who is almost 3 years old, who lives in our neighborhood. She often asks about grandma: where she is, and can she come home? I would like to bring her to visit her grandma, but I am afraid that the visit will go badly. If she asks her grandma to come home with us, I will have to tell a story she knows is a lie, and make her complicit in it. Too complicated for a 3-year-old. If I try to explain to my wife that she can't come home, I fear she will become upset in front of her granddaughter. Too scary for a 3-year-old.

Does anyone on this list have any experience with such?

Thanks,

Tyrone

M1

That's a really tough one Tyrone. I probably would wait a while longer, i agree it might be upsetting to both of them. Also have to point out what an infection risk little kids are to older adults- can't tell you the number of times my grandkids have made me sick even when they were asymptomatic.

Nowhere

Could her mom or dad bring her over for a game playing short visit, and have an authentic excuse to leave afterwards? They both could be told that, “We’ll visit again soon”.

Keep explanations simple - Grandma lives here with her friends for now. She is loved so much and the people here help grandpa take good care of her.

If your grand daughter is inquisitive about grandma’s behavior asking a lot of why questions, perhaps explain and remind, “Grandma is simply forgetting how to remember”.

I generated your question using AI, below are the responses I received.

“Be simple and honest -Explain what's happening in a way that's easy to understand. For example, you could say, "Grandma has an illness that makes it hard for her to remember things".

“Be positive -Don't overdramatize. You can say something like, "We're going to take care of her and we're going to take care of you too".

Reassure them -Let your child know that it's normal to feel sad or angry, and that they can talk to you without being judged.

Explain that it's not their fault-Tell your child that no one caused the disease. Young children may think they did something to hurt their grandparent.

Give examples -Provide specific examples of how the illness is affecting your grandparent. For example, if your grandparent keeps repeating themselves, you can explain how their memory is affected.

Let them play make believe- If your grandparent says something they know isn't true, you can frame it as playing make believe.”

I hope you give the visit a try for the love of family’s sake, but probably up to your granddaughter’s parents to make the call. ❤️

Nowhere

One other comment: When my husband lived at home, we often visited our young grandsons. The older one, in particular, had idolized his fun grandpa. When they were maybe three and five years of age, grandpa snapped at the older grandson, yelling that he was “bad boy”. (He’d not snapped that way previously). The five year old burst into tears feeling hurt and shocked, I had my husband go outside and sit in the porch, so he could cool down, and I could talk with our grandchild. I started with, ”I’m so sorry grandpa yelled at you; He’s sick”. And my grandson looked at me with his brow furled and his eyes narrowed in hurt and anger, “No, he’s NOT”! Because of course my husband didn’t “look” sick. We’d felt all along that perhaps they were too you to tell, but in hindsight I wish we would have.

harshedbuzz

Tyrone—

I would defer to the child's parents on this.

Your adult child is dealing with processing their own profound loss in this situation. They may not have the bandwidth to respond to a curious child asking questions, tend to a child upset by her grandmother or other residents or calm the child's fears about her own parents.

HB

sandwichone123

Whatever you choose for right now, it's a good time to start talking about how Grandma "is," so that future visits have been prepared. You might say, "Grandma moved to a new place and she's getting to know the people there right now, so we'll have to visit later." I keep thinking of other suggestions, but they're all for kids older than 3. :-/

MN Chickadee

My first born was a toddler when my mom's Alz symptoms got bad. Around 3 years old we did start having those conversations. Grandma is sick, she has an illness that affects her brain, it makes her not remember things and sometimes she isn't herself and says or does things she can't control. My daughter actually learned very young that grandma was different and had extra understanding and patience for her. I think the experience made my kids more compassionate; they have always been very understanding of people who are different from them and I think having that experience at a young age helped .They have both befriended kids at school with special needs, and I strongly believe it's because they were exposed to special needs as tiny kids. So there can be silver linings to the tragedy. I would defer to your child, the parent of the grandchild. If they are ready to facilitate this, keep it short and sweet. Have them bring the kiddo by when you are there, have something to do (eating treats, a special activity, art project or game etc) and an exit plan for the kid. Time to get to soccer etc, or even the parent excusing them both to the bathroom and then quietly sneaking out would be better than making a scene. My mom had a hard time with everyone leaving at once, so we would usually one by one make our excuses and duck out.

mrahope

FWIW, my DDIL and I took my granddaughter to visit. She was 3.5 years old this past summer. My DH was glad to see her but the entire visit lasted maybe 20 minutes. We all went for a walk and DDIL brought a few small toys. It was a tiny day-brightener for DH.

fmb

If you do bring a young child to visit, keep it brief and do not allow the child to disturb other residents. At DH's ALF today, there was a child running back and forth up and down the hall above the special needs wing, where many of the residents have varying levels of dementia. I was in the special needs dining room with DH and 6 other residents, and the pounding noise above was making some of the residents agitated. Meeting outdoors in an enclosed courtyard would allow the child to run around while the adults visit.

TyroneSlothrop

Thanks, y’all, for your excellent advice and encouragement! We visited Grandma yesterday, and it went very well. They were both happy to see one another, and the other residents and staff were (understandably) smitten to watch them together. Granddaughter and her parents departed first, and I stayed for another hour.
My departure was difficult in the usual way (“I don’t want to stay here!”), but I would gladly do the whole visit again.

Tyrone

M1

that's good news, I'm glad…..

elainechem

My late father-in-law was in assisted living and had Alzheimer's. We didn't lie to him. We just told him that he could go home when the doctor said that it was okay. Of course, the doctor never would say that, but Dad seemed to accept it.

harshedbuzz

Tyrone—

That's wonderful news that the visit went so well.

When you take leave of your wife, do you announce your exit/say goodbye? We found it easier on dad to make an excuse to use the restroom or get something and slip out as his orientation to time was poor.

HB

housefinch

Interesting question because my stepdad is now on hospice in MC & bedridden, at times hallucinating & confused, etc. 1 of our kids functions at about a 3 year old level (has an intellectual disability). We live in another state and I haven’t had her do a video call with him because she doesn’t understand his deterioration. She honestly doesn’t even know he has AD, just that he’s getting older and I’ve explained he will die someday (and that it could be soon).

TyroneSlothrop

HB,

When I leave, I do say I’m leaving, but it would likely work better if I did not. She can not remember a minute ago, so would not resent being lied to.

Thanks,

Tyrone