Visits in MC

Anonymousjpl123

My mom’s new MC is extremely skilled and way more caring. They have asked me to shorten visits and come maybe 3 times a week until she settles in. Last few times i have taken her out have really unsettled her and made her want to leave.

Intellectually i know this makes perfect sense. Emotionally it is completely counterintuitive. She gets so upset if I don’t take her out, but it just makes her not want to go back. Ironically, most days when i walk in she is happily chatting with people. I guess it is when i take her out that I trigger her.

M1

It's hard to get your head around it, but you really need to think of the memory care as a safe, protecting environment for her. At some point most give up outings. She can't handle the real world any more. My partner has not left MC except for a hospitalization last fall and an ER visit this June. Again this is probably harder for you to accept than it is for her. Taking her out is like someone taking a toddler to a movie theater or a fine restaurant, it's just not an appropriate environment any more. Maybe an exception would be if the MC has escorted outings or drives that she could participate in, but she shouldn't go out with you. I'm sorry, it's another loss.

psg712

I rarely take my mom out anymore. Even to church, which feels wrong since she never missed a Sunday except for serious illness prior to dementia. But now it is overstimulating for her. And right now we have a surge of covid in our area - not worth the risk.

Yesterday was an exception. I took her to my house for lunch with the family. It was her birthday. She seemed comfortable with my small family. Then a couple of long distance family and friends called to speak with her. She read some cards that came in the mail and had no idea who the senders were (lifelong friends). That was enough. She laid her head on the table. I took her back to MC. She relaxed visibly when she was back. Safe place.

The activities director at MC has include her in a couple of "field trips" but she really doesn't seem to enjoy or benefit from them. Even walking to the AL side with the director to listen to a visiting musician - she has turned around halfway and gone back to MC. Just not interested in things she used to enjoy. I'm of the opinion that we just let her relax in the environment that gives her the most peace.

CaliforniaGirl-1

We all go through the process of asking ourselves "am I doing this for my LO as they are now or for my vision of what I hoped this phase of life would be for them? " Again and again.

If she is safe and content where she is then that is the most important.

Last summer (year ago), I took my LO out to lunch at restaurant in a park on a lake a few times, always with another person. She enjoyed watching t the little children. It was just on the outer cusp of what she could handle and it went ok. This year, I would not try it and she would not enjoy it or be up to it. But her MC takes them on drives and sometimes she enjoys that and sometimes she can't and doesn't go.

I have brought in food she used to love and she is just not interested in food that way anymore, Things change and we have to adapt. But this is as good as it is going to get. I love her as she is, but I miss her as she used to be. I am just grateful we were finally , after years of struggle. able to get into a situation where she is safe and at the moment feels secure and has a little community around her.

It is not unusual for a MC to ask you not to visit at all or call for a period when a person moves in and then visit briefly and not to take them out so they can adapt.

Anonymousjpl123

@psg712 you are so right. I truly think i was overstimulating her! She is settling in to her new place and I truly think it is better for her that I let her settle. Like you, I hope there are a few rare occasions I will take her out but I see the wisdom in the safe environment now.

She is comfortable, clean, and can manage her world. She is cared for exceptionally well. I came in for the first time in 4 days (long for me) for a quick visit after family group and she was on the couch watching tv with other women.

I saw her today and it was also a nice visit. I am learning.

@californiagirl we were in a very similar place as you last year - could go out for short meals, which was just on the cusp. Now it is clearly too much.

I am just grateful it worked. She really does seem more relaxed now. Not faking it or drugged. Which is ironic because she has SO little with her. I brought her photo albums today, at her request. She has her own clothes, but nothing else, really, from home. And honestly, she doesn’t seem to care that her “room” in the shared suite is tiny. It seems less stressful to her. She even said her parents bought it for her “in case she needed it,” which is why it is so simply furnished. I take that as her feeling safe there. The one knick knack i brought her went into a drawer. Like you, this version of my mom is not who I thoutht I would be with but I am so grateful she is safe, content, and has a small community.

housefinch

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I have 2 kids who both have autism. My husband and I often joke only half kidding that we want to live on autism island. That would be a place where everyone understood our children and they could be themselves and feel calm and supported all the time. Instead, they are square pegs in round holes. Your mom has found her version of autism island, and I would encourage you to let her remain in her safe, comfortable place. Sending you hugs.

sandwichone123

I have also brought few things to memory care for my spouse. I think simplifying reduces stress. I do occasionally bring him an item from home, and he will typically "gift" it to me on a future visit.