Just Rambling... Again...

LauraCD

Is my DH the man I knew or someone new? Does this - the worst of his personality - come from who I know he's been the last 31 years but now just exacerbated because of his disease or is this just the disease? In any case it is impossible to continue with. If he were sweet and had the disposition of some that I hear of I would move the world for him. As he is, I can barely make my way through a "normal" day. Yes, as a caregiver I try to take care of myself. I have support and I actually have interests outside of all of this. But, the unrelenting yelling and name calling and baiting has worn me down. So much so that I found myself wandering and about to stay at a nearby Airbnb recently just to get some peace. This reprieve turned out to be anything but as the place was so depressing in its own way that I couldn't stay there. I found myself imposing on a friend. I spent my "reprieve" trying to muster up whatever it takes to just continue to go back and stay in my own home. And, here I am. He is at too early a stage for someone to help me at home — besides he wouldn't tolerate it, and it is way too early for him to be placed at a facility. So, here I am at the threshold of this, what should I call it? Hell.

Our particular situation is different than most I see for at least three reasons: 1) our marriage was not loving for the past 15 or so years. It was one of tension and conflict, mostly me trying to extricate myself from an overbearing, controlling, manipulative man who is not a "bad" man but one with more old fashioned ideas of what a relationship is (e.g., I "belong" to him, we are not separate, I do not have my own agency); and 2) his arrival at old age (he is 73) was traumatic. He never prepared for it much less accepted it. The career, physical abilities (he was a runner) and mental agilities (a whiz at all that is math and finance) he had slowed down and now with Alzheimers have left altogether. Part of our history was me pleading with him to make plans for this stage of our life (downsizing moving closer to the 6 grandchildren we have 3,000 miles away), We've done none of that. So here we are at old age where I am overwhelmed with the prospect of what there is to do for his care, management of this house, planning for the future and he is angry and bitter for all that he has lost; and, 3) where he is in the disease process. He still aware of most that is happening (a heartbreak to watch) and can manage his way through staying at home alone, grocery shopping, doing his own laundry, driving which has to end soon but he will not consider it, etc. It seems too early for some options that might help me and too late for other options that might have helped him.

I have done the research, found the doctors, discovered programs, arranged management of this and all I can try to imagine for him. For myself ,I belong to 2 support groups, see my own shrink (thank goodness) have outside activities that help ease the distortion of my new reality. But it is his mood, his state of mind, his unrelenting (daily) emotional and mental abuse of me that I find impossible to deal with regardless of how much I try to empathize with what he is going through. I am his target. No one else knows what his tyrades are like (although I've taped them for my own validation). And I have called the police to bring in some authority he recognizes so he understands he cannot take my phone away from me, or my laptop, or wake me up at 2:00 in the morning to continue a rage, or follow me around the house until I end up sleeping locked up in the bathroom for some peace.

But, I am somewhat resolved. As I write this, I am planning on divorcing him. I will continue to care for him but only under the condition that I am not "stuck" doing so. I want to be in a position where were it to become intolerable I can simply walk away without having to find my way out from this marriage and this house and all that has encumbered it during the last 31 years. And I have my own need to care for myself. I had endometrial cancer this year with the chemo and radiation and recovery all while while caring for my husband. I am about to turn 71. I want this part of my life to be meaningful and productive and something for ME as well. I do not want to be defined as solely a caregiver. I want, I hope, his own adult children begin to step up — they may have to. And I want to be able to step away without guilt. Is that possible?

I want to think of myself as not a terrible person. And, this isn't abandonment. It is self protection. I am a whole person too with a bit of life in front of me that I want to be able to experience without trauma. That can't be too much to ask.

Anyway, that is my ramble for this morning. I feel for all of you and any of you that are going through the same.

WIGO23

I can only offer “I am sorry” from a stranger at this awful situation you have arrived at.

Your story, while different my mine, has elements I can relate too. I want to have a life other than the one I now have. My husband blames me when he makes a mistake but his outbursts are short and he often apologizes. He is not controlling like your husband. He is a kind and loving man confused by what is happening to him.

There are days I just want to get in the car and head anywhere. I had days like that raising our children many years ago. It comes from emotional and physical fatigue. Just as back then, I would never leave. But do I want to escape from this at times? Of course, I do! It is not wrong to want a different hand than you’ve been dealt.

No judgment from me at your decision. I wish you peace.

Caro_Lynne

Laura, I too am sorry for your predicament. Must be so difficult and stressful. I guess I'm fortunate that my LO (who is my ex-partner - long story) is very childlike. No outbursts since he's been on meds. Of course being childlike brings its own set of issues which are exhausting.

I hope for you to find peace in whatever you decide. You have to make whatever decision is right for you! No one can understand what we live through unless you're living it. xo

harshedbuzz

@LauraCD

That's a lot. I'm so sorry, this sounds so very familiar. My own mom could have written this exact screed 9 years ago.

Dad became increasingly difficult and unpleasant about 10 years before he was initially diagnosed. Initially we put this down to mourning the death of his favorite child and his difficulty accepting the changes that go with aging. Dad had some mental health issues (his psych think bi-polar but I think there's more), clearly, of which I was aware as he showed his darker side with me as we never got along easily. In retrospect, this was obviously the onset of his dementia, but we didn't recognize it immediately. But the mood changes and loss of social filter meant mom became the victim of his relentless unpleasantness.

When dad was finally diagnosed, I took mom to see a CELA and she did discuss the possibility of divorce. The CELA said it was possible but that given dad's diagnosis, the process would be a bit more complicated and expensive as dad would not only need his own legal representative, he'd need a court appointed guardian ad litem and a neurocognitive testing. The CELA said the court would determine if he's need a legal guardian and that it would be highly unusual for a former spouse to be assigned if there was a capable adult child (me) or sibling (my uncle).

CELA said I would most likely be given guardianship and control of his assets. Because he would likely be deemed too impaired to rewrite his will which left everything to "his wife", I/my nieces would have inherited any funds left when he died which was not likely. Since dad had lost a considerable amount of their nest egg day-trading before he was diagnosed, this would have impacted her standard of living greatly. But the bigger piece was that she didn't want to cede control of managing his care to me. I don't think she fully trusted me given our history. Ironically, she ended up deferring to me almost 100% on the decision making.

Because she and dad were a good 10 years your senior, she decided to stay married primarily for control and financial reasons. She reasoned his life expectancy was such that the gamble worked out. We found a good geri psych who was able to tweak dad's medications (a cocktail of Seroquel, Prozac and Wellbutrin) to calm things down a bit and she opted to keep him home for another year before placing him. If you can't get him to a geri psych for medication management, transfer to an ER/ geri psych unit during a rage episode is appropriate. Meds can help a lot and if you were to place him or bring in caregivers, he'd need to be settled down first.

Meds helped dad a lot. The progression of the disease calmed him down further which I hadn't anticipated. In the later stage 6, he was much easier to be around as he seemingly could hold onto his anger. Her gamble worked out but sometimes I wish she'd chosen differently. Her health tanked and she is not enjoying the stage 8 we'd hope for. And since she developed vision issues as a result and no longer drives, my stage 8 is busier than I anticipated.

Take care of yourself.

HB

sandwichone123

Echoing HB, make sure to talk to an elder law attorney (CELA) before you make any legal moves. It may feel expensive, but the cost of a wrong decision, and the cost of Alz in general, dwarf that.

ljmom828

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70508/just-rambling-again

I am very new to all this. I can relate to ALL of what you posted although my husband has not yet been officially diagnosed. He refuses to be tested, is angry most of the time which is out of character for him. He will rant and rave, be up at all hours and I can't seem to have peace in my own home. The only thing that works and it is temporary is leaving. I drive around or park somewhere and cry. I don't know how to go about getting him tested. He has accused me of bizarre things that do not even make sense such as having an affair. I have been married 43 years and as faithful as they come which he knows so it just makes no sense. He is argumentive and hit me a few times even. I am so exhausted emotionally and physically.

LauraCD

ljmom828

Oh gosh, I am so sorry you are encountering this especially without at least a diagnosis to be able to explain some of this. I may be asking what you have already tried but perhaps his gp should be made aware of his behavior before his next visit. And, my goodness, I do feel for you and can understand your driving around and parking somewhere. I have done the same and often. I can only offer you the comfort of recognizing what you are enduring. You are not alone and this is not you. Please stay with these forums. They are helpful. And the Alzheimer's Association has so much information that may be helpful to you including support groups. Another group I have found invaluable has been CaringKind. Although they operate out of Manhattan much of what they do is virtual. Good luck to you.

Bailey's Mom

LauraCD…I feel for you because my situation is much the same. I totally understand your wanting a divorce and I hope you have the strength to go through with it. My husband has never been one of the 'sweet and kind' ones that many of our posters are so lucky to have…I have lived my entire adult life (almost 57 yrs of marriage) walking on eggshells trying to avoid his outbursts and never feeling comfortable in my own home. Now I just have to agree with everything he says, no matter how bizarre, to try to keep things somewhat under control. I'm 75 now and really don't have enough time left to make it worth fighting him anymore…just taking it a day at a time with no thought or hope for the future. You have some life left, and if I read you correctly, he won't appreciate you giving up your remaining years…run for the hills while you can!

M1

So sorry to hear about these abusive situations and would encourage all of you not to stand for it. Call 911 if you have to, this is a reason for involuntary hospitalization, medication, and memory care placement. It is NOT too early.

dayn2nite2

For your situation, I think M1's suggestions are what you are going to have to do. For anyone who has a difficult or abusive situation without a diagnosis of any type of dementia, let this be the push you need to get your divorce done and over with. Once diagnosed, it's not so simple.

LauraCD

I am not sure who your answer was for dayn2nite2 - my husband was diagnosed over a year ago with Alzheimer's. However, I am still proceeding with a divorce. I was going to to leave him just before the actual diagnosis as it happened but then the news. I stayed because ethically, morally, it feels like it certainly was the right thing to do. However my own well being cannot be trumped by his need for care. His behavior has just become exceedingly worse. Actually frightening. Interestingly, he has the wherewithal and the insight after an incident to realize what he did — sometimes. However his recognition of that is beginning to feel more like manipulation because he knows I will leave. Does that make sense? It is such a hard road and staying or leaving will be difficult. I have weighed the two and though the future would be a marked change for me in so many ways I would so look forward to some peace. I can handle the care, the overwhelming amount of care, and management and juggling of so much and the heartbreak of watching someone who knows themself that they are losing bits and pieces every day, watching them grieve so deeply within their own despair — even the true "aloneness" as a caregiver on this journey. What I cannot handle is being screamed at, and mocked and made fun of, name called, cursed at, followed to bed, to the bathroom, run after as I go to my car, chased everywhere, I am answering my own questions aren't I? I feel for everyone who is on this same journey in every way possible. And, this doesn't even include the descriptions of when he just sits: angry — for hours with his arms folded and not doing anything but that. I suppose since I am not experiencing the same I cannot judge anyone's reaction. But, I know. I do know. I wouldn't be mean and unrelenting in that meanness. I would try as I might not to hurt the ones I love. My apologies again. This is a heartbreak.

Dio

No judgement here. I can relate to how you're feeling. However, before going the divorce path, definitely get some financial advice from a good attorney. You sound overwhelmed and exhausted. You need a break/respite. Decisions are better made when you're grounded. If you have DPOA or Healthcare directive for your DH, you may want to consider placement in long-term memory care which will help take the 24/7 caregiving off of your burden. No matter what you decide on, it's helpful to know what all the options are beforehand. Best of luck!

LauraCD

Thank you for the thoughtful advice.