Just Vetting!

jrman

I just need to vent a little in order to keep my sanity! Our Holliday weekend was like a rollercoaster. My DW gets up as a friend, has breakfast and soon afterwards turns agitated and starts her daily trash talk to me. “shut up, come on, leave me alone, etc.” I then sit next to her and watch Hallmark movies for a couple of hours (I read paper or magazines and she quiets down and we can communicate. Then comes lunch and I prepare that and she’s ok. After lunch I try to let her watch more Hallmark and I am usually able to slip into our home office room for about an hour or so of computer time. I know immediately when I have to rejoin her because I can hear her talking loudly to herself and getting agitated. She will get up walk around and slam doors.

Then it’s back to the sofa for me so that she will calm down. I’ll skip over our dinner routine to get to my worst part of a night, trying to get a shower with her and into her pajamas. She hates to take a shower and becomes angry and aggressive during the shower (screaming at me fighting me. Inevitably I lose my patience and we scream at each other. Then same as I try to get her pajamas on her. I put her on the couch by herself and the dog and I take a shower (best 10 minutes to relax). By the time I rejoin her on the the couch she is quiet as if nothing had happened. I apologize for the long post but it seems like my stress level is seldom zero. It’s very low for a while then up a little then down then upper a lot. I sometimes wonder what the life span of a close caretaker is after their spouse passes.

M1

Welcome to the forum. There are medications that can help with the agitation and aggression, talk to her doctors about this. Can you bring in a caregiver so that you can have some breaks? Or take her to a day program? No one can do this alone.

She doesn't have to shower every night-- and in fact night may be the worst time to attempt it, as she likely is more confused in the evenings. Let her sleep in her clothes, it won't hurt anything.

lenbury

This sounds familiar but much worse than my daily routine. My wife is fine until her daily shower at which point she gets angry and abusive. Once dressed she calms down and I have to figure out how to fill the day. By early evening she settles down to watch tv while I prepare dinner and after eating she is in bed by 7:30. At that point I have a few hours to wind down and read. Thanks for sharing your experience -- I have the same question as you do.

SDianeL

so sorry. She’s not acting like nothing happened, she doesn’t remember it happening. Medication will help. Contact her doctor. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which gives reasons they don’t want to shower and tips on how to get them to shower. It really helped me after my DH’s diagnosis. My sister has Dementia and she doesn’t like her husband to do certain things for her but will allow her daughter to help her.

Iris L.

Consider using adult wipes. There are store-bought ones and diy homemade ones.

Iris

trottingalong

showering daily becomes a non necessity. There are great washing pads you can get that suds up with a dab of water. My MIL stopped taking showers long before she passed away. The fight was too difficult for my 90 year old FIL. Wipes to the rescue. I agree with the others on medications to help.

jrman

thanks for the suggestions. My DW is on medications for the anxiety and agitation but they may need to be increased. I only give her a shower every few days. I think I’ll follow the suggestion that I pick a time earlier in the day.

Carmen M

This situation sounds so familiar and I feel the pain. My LO seems to sleep 10 hrs a nite and naps all day in front of tv. I try to get him up to use the bathroom (wearing briefs 24/7) and for me to change the brief since I am so afraid of him getting an UTI. He gets angry and agitated when I ask him to go to bathroom even during the day when he sits in the recliner.

LO is currently on Dozenpil and Mementine for the dementia. Dr recommend Zoloft (not sure spelling) for the mood. Anyone familiar with Zoloft and side effects?

M1

Hi Carmen. Zoloft/sertraline is an SSRI antidepressant and has a pretty good track record for anxiety in dementia, as does Celexa/citalopram. Generally pretty well tolerated, certainly worth a try. If he's late stage (and it sounds like he is), the donepezil and memantine may not be doing much, but it's hard to stop sometimes.

Crkddy

Sounds exactly like where I was with DW about two years ago. She was constantly agitated and I was at my wits end. Fortunately our PCP referred her to hospice. They came in for about 9 months and during that time a nurse's aide bathed her. She was very good with her and got her to relax in the shower. After being discharged from Hospice, I continued using a private provider to come in twice a week and the success continued. Looking back, I think it was maybe because she felt more comfortable with a woman bathing her since she no longer recognized me as her husband. Two years later, she is now letting me bathe her without much agitation. A shower chair and hand-held shower sprayer work wonders too.

She has been taking zoloft 100mg daily now for about 18 months, and nothing else for agitation at this time. She is 6 1/2 years into early on-set ALZ diagnosis.