Feeling utterly awful and needing some space to express myself

Daisie

I haven't been here in a few weeks. My mom finally left the hospital and went into MC on August 19. Everything was going better than expected. She was adapting and rarely asked about me, which, while bittersweet, was good.

However, she was rushed to the ER Friday night. She developed COVID. She's 90. It has turned into pneumonia, and the prognosis is not good. She also has afib, which COVID has exacerbated. She's hardly eating. If she doesn't start, there's nothing else they can do. She's still in dire need of oxygen. She's very confused and sleeps a lot.

I visited on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but I haven't for the last couple of days because I seemed to make matters worse. They had me wrapped so tightly from head to toe in plastic that she didn't recognize me. Even though I said who I was, she couldn't make the connection and kept getting mad at Daisie because she didn't realize I was her. Her heart rate spiked, so I left after a short Sunday visit but haven't returned. I call twice a day each day to check on her status. Tonight is when the doctor called me to speak to me frankly. I'm supposed to call in the morning to see how she's doing before I visit. The doctor says she'd like it to be meaningful for us both but realizes it may not be.

I can't believe all of this is happening. If I hadn't put her in MC, none of this would have happened. But then keeping her home wasn't good for either of us. Either way, it seems like something terrible was inevitable. I couldn't handle taking care of her alone anymore, and I must keep reminding myself of that. But I feel like I haven't done enough or haven't done the right thing.

M1

I'm so sorry, but you're right, this was inevitable. You did the best you could and that's all anyone can do. If it hadn't been this, it would have been something else. She's had a long long life.

mabelgirl

You have done all you could. Do not beat yourself up over what is happening now. Everything has a purpose and a time, and it may just have been your mom’s time. The disease is going to win out each time no matter what we do for our LO. I pray you’ll find some peace in understanding you have done and will continue to do what you think is best for your family. Prayers for peace.

psg712

Daisie, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and for your mom's suffering. There's a surge of covid going on now; she could easily have gotten it anywhere - even if she were not in MC.

Please be kind to yourself. You have done your best in a difficult situation for a long time. You have loved her well.

CaliforniaGirl-1

I am so sorry for what you and your loved one are going through. Please be kind to yourself. You have done the best for your mother in every case. Even at home with 24/7 care you cannot protect your LO from disease and medical issues. Your mother is loved and felt secure and that is so much.

I have a LO who is very late 90s, is extremely frail and has dementia and is in MC. I spend a lot of time in the, "if I hadn't done this or if only I had done that spiral." Because she is so frail and helpless. But she is getting good care in MC. As her doctor recently reminded me, she is a place where they are well equipped to deal with each phase . She is community of her peers and is treated like a resident with her own opinions and likes and dislikes. She has what could loosely be defined as friends. My instinct is to want to protect her from every possible thing and hug her to me. She feels safe and is no longer frightened.

You don't know this would not have happened at home or something similar. Isolating her from every possible disease or health issue is not really possible not matter how hard you try. Unfortunately, we can't outrun time and illness.

You and your mom are in my thoughts. You have been a wonderful and caring daughter and your mother has been and is lucky to have you.

Anonymousjpl123

Daisie, I know this has been a very painful process for you and your mom. I am so sorry this happened. But you are 100 percent right that something would have happened no matter where she was. You are giving her good care and that is literally all we can do.

Lucy C

This may not seem very comforting, but the fact is, COVID can incubate for as long as two weeks. It is entirely possible that she may have contracted it near the end of her hospital stay, rather than in memory care. If this was the case, there is nothing in the world you could have done to prevent it.

Hugs and prayers!