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Merla

Anonymousjpl123

Hi @Merla gosh i am so sorry. I know you were hoping the tour would go better.

Re: diagnosis and POA. I would have a conversation with the lawyer before your meeting. That helped me enormously. He was used to dealing with these situations, and having a quick call to give him a sense of me and my mom and the dynamic helped so much. He or she can let you know what to expect, what works, and how to approach the appointment. I doubt she will be declared too impaired to sign based on what you have shared, but you never know. One thing at a time.

Re: plan B. You may need to make rhe decision for your mom. This is agonizing and heartbreaking. We tried to give my mom choices: first, did whe want to live in a place or have someone come in for 24 hour care? 2nd, once she decided on placement, we took her to a few different places. But the move was non-negotiable, and I only took her places that would be safe. This sounds easy but it was far from it.

My mom wanted to live with me for a long 2 years AFTER she moved to an AL and then MC. Yes, I had DPOA but that was an after thought. Truthfully, you are doing all the right things. I would expect some pain and push back.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom is now settling in well at her new place and I regret nothing. She knows I love her because I stuck with her through this hell. It will be hard, but to my mind Plan B is:

• Visit a few more facilities with her
• Tell her she has to pick one
• Get the family on board so you can be a united front

The DPOA shouldn’t matter what state it is done from. The main thing is to make her feel like she has some choice, but only within actual choices. Keep us posted. Trust me, it is so much better you are taking action now.

Anonymousjpl123

@Merla one more note: it was a year after placement that she finally got her diagnosis. She didnt have it when we moved her to AL. It didn’t matter nearly as much as I thought it did. People dealing in dementia care typically “get it.” Oh, my heart goes out to you: this stage is so hard.

Quilting brings calm

I would get the DPOA and Medical POA as soon as possible- before the diagnosis. She can’t sign one of the doctor has deemed her incompetent. It will be easier to convince your mom to sign one without her thinking you feel she’s declining. You can approach it as wanting it for the future. You can tell her that it will allow you to make the dreaded phone calls to account reps etc for her. Because you will need it for that. My step-dad wouldn’t give me DPOA and yet couldn’t make those calls himself. I’d have to have him with me to give verbal permission to talk to me every time. You can tell her you and your spouse are getting your affairs in order too. I would not get shared POAs. Too much dissension in the family that way. You can get a successor POA where if you can’t or won’t perform the duties it passes to a second person.

You cannot let her dictate this move to an AL because she will just not move. Now that you’ve already involved her- Narrow the field to three choices. Skip those that won’t allow her to come to a lunch or to an afternoon activity to see the place in action. Give her a round of that and tell her to make her choice because your home is not her permanent residence.

mabelgirl

There is not going to be a place for your mom she’s going to accept because she does not view herself as needing care. I would get that DPOA first and as mentioned prior if you get a dr to declare incompetent the lawyer may refuse to do it. I know the lawyers I spoke to said they screen my mom for appropriate competency prior to drawing up the DPOA. If your mom does not have other paperwork like living will , will in order do those too. You never know how family members will react in a crisis thus making legalities straightforward would in my opinion be best.

Prayers for success.

harshedbuzz

Your Plan B may be guardianship through the courts. It's expensive and time consuming but would likely trigger court-ordered cognitive testing.

M1

Merla, you need to either get used to the idea that you are in charge now or cede authority to someone else. But your mother can’t make these decisions, either about where to live or which attorney to use. I would suggest finding an attorney near you, making a trip back to her former residence may trigger all kinds of additional problems.

NizhoniGrrl

Can you find a place with both Independent Living and more advanced care? There are ppl in my mom’s place that have separate units, parking spots, and very full outside lives. Does she have any activities she still enjoys? My mom was insistent that she be able to play bridge which helped the transition to the community. She managed for over 2 years before needing significantly more care. It was a place to start.

I’ve also heard getting someone declared incompetent is very difficult. Better to join forces with your family and get a POA and other paperwork lined up. Can she live with you until you find the right arrangement nearby? It’s a good way to establish your mailing address as her mailing address as you begin to take over managing her finances, medical care, etc. You don’t need a POA to get that underway.

M1

Bad idea on the car. She should not be driving until properly assessed, you realize that right? And probably shouldn't be driving, period. I think you will be opening another can of worms here.

H1235

Is she on board with not driving? I understand why you need it, but I worry you might end up with her expecting to be able to drive it. “It won’t hurt just this once, or I’m just going a few blocks” Right now it is out of sit out of mind. If you bring it back and park it out front and tell her she can’t drive it, I think that would almost tease her. It could cause a whole bunch of problems. You are in a difficult situation.