Resigning as Power of Attorney and feeling guilty

Jackie_K

I don't know if anyone else has ever done this but I decided this weekend that it was time for me to give up power of attorney for my mother. I am feeling horribly guilty and sad about it, but at the same time, also a little relieved.

I didn't really want this role to begin with, but I am the organized and responsible one in the family, and the girl, so it was just assumed I would do it, so I did. I spent the last two years advocating for her at the doctor's office, organizing her care, reading every book that I could to educate myself, piecing together her finances, etc. and I am just now exhausted.

From the beginning, everything has been a fight. Every doctor appointment, every medication, every decision has resulted in blow out fights. My mom has always been difficult, so this is not surprising, but it has made a hard situation that much harder. Recently, I decided that it was time for her to go to a facility (after a particularly insane bout of paranoid delusions where she was calling her vet to harass them because she believes they stole her dog's collar), and my brothers are not on the same page as me. At the end of the day, my mom thinks she is still fine, and my brothers know she's sick but ultimately think she's still mostly fine too, and I am tired of fighting it, so I think it is best for them to make the decisions.

I am feeling extremely guilty for doing this. I don't think she's safe at home by herself, but I am not the only child in the family, and I know this is all subjective anyway, and it will be nice to not have the day-to-day tasks of managing her finances, communicating with her caregiver, refilling her meds, etc. to deal with. I feel like this makes me a terrible daughter but I just don't want the stress anymore.

I don't know that I'm asking a question here, just sharing and venting as I'm feeling pretty shitty about it today.

harshedbuzz

@Jackie_K

You were placed in an untenable position. It's difficult enough to deal with a delusion LO with anosognosia, but with unsupportive sibs you are well and truly stuck.

I suspect that once you cede control of mom's day-to-day management, your brothers will come to understand the need for placement and make it happen.

TBH, I am my parents' surviving child and while I would never wish my sister dead, I know she would have been an additional layer of angst in parental caregiving.

HB

DTSbuddy

Sounds like you are making a good decision. I include others in the process by writing and updating regularly a descripion of my husband's ctivities and mine. I include what he is still able to do and enjoy, and how and when he needs help. I take care of him 24/7 except for a few hours a week with a caregiver. One of my son's visits weekly, but none of our relatives offer to spell me, so they need to know what's happening. Best of luck.

Quilting brings calm

I would if I thought either of my siblings ( ok, the one with common sense) would do something( anything). Unfortunately they are both several states away - and estranged from my mom. They only call her once or twice a year.

Be prepared for your brothers to try to put it all back on you once they figure out how hard this is… especially if there’s no successor POA. They will ‘forget’ to do any of the things that you’ve been doing. So steel yourself to send all calls to voice mail. To say ‘ oh you missed your appointments because x forgot to take you? Well maybe he will remember next time. Bye Mom’. ‘No, x, I can’t go by and get mom’s meds at the pharmacy’. ‘Mom’s account is overdrawn? Sorry got to go, got another call’.

jfkoc

If the POA was not a Durable Power of Attorney and your mother was placed in a facility then in all probability it no longer valid.

If it is Durable then you will need to legally withdraw. You can find out how to do this on line.

Please give yourself a pat on the back for all you have done.

H1235

Dealing with difficult siblings is awful, I have found it by far more difficult than dealing with my mom. There have been a few times I have considered giving it up. The pressure to make the “right” decisions is overwhelming. No one knows how things will progress ( a slow decline, a sudden stroke, a fall) how can you possibly know what is best. Yet what ever you decide you have a sibling second guessing you and a parent with dementia is upset not matter what. Your siblings will be getting a huge wake up soon. I hope you can find some peace.

terei

You did the right thing. I was DPOA for my mother. My two brothers were as involved as they could be + trusted(and thanked) me for taking care of her without trying to second guess me. Made everything much easier. If they would have tried to interfere, they were well aware that I would have been happy to hand everything over to them.

Anyone in this situation should bow out + let the chips fall as they may, especially if they are having to battle with the LO over every single thing.

forbarbara

Please let go of the guilt. This disease brings out the worst in some families (one of my darling family members reported me to adult protective services - he accused me of poisoning MIL because he refused to accept her dementia). And if we’re lucky it also brings out the best in some friends and family.
Just a thought - after giving up POA obligations, are there one or two small tasks you’d still like to do? Maybe managing medication refills, or balancing the checkbook? Only if that helps relieve your guilty feelings, not if it worsens the stress of siblings.
As others have said here, taking good care of yourself is a critical task. So take good care.